Clip Show

I’ve been running and writing this blog for over a year now and I think I’ve earned the right to run a highlight reel or rather a written clip show of what I consider to be some of my more memorable passages.  So below I’ve clipped out a few samples of extraordinary value and added some critiques to give you, the faithful reader, expert analysis of what I was thinking at the time.

Selection 1: Lumosity: A 2 Week Review

“…y for a price and certainly not for free (are you crazy).  All they will give the common man who doesn’t want to shell out x amount of obscene dollars is the bird hunting/photography game and the one game where you solve raindrop math equations.  On top of that, they grace the non-paying member with some sort of performance score labeled LPI or Lumosity Performance Index.  Now naturally, the question of what is a good LPI (ah you catch on quick with the slang) arises?  To answer your thoughtful question I shall dust off an old chestnut and provide the unsatisfying response of I have no idea because I am not a paying member.  I have no benchmark other than my previous LPI’s and unless I join the ranks of the paying member, I have no clue as to how I stack up against other Lumosity users (again with the paying).  Why Lumosity, why do you horde such necessary information to those of us that don’t want to pay.  You alone hold the keys to increasing my core cognitive functions, something that should have been endowed as a god given right by our creator (way to leave that one out Jefferson), but alas was overlooked and forces schnorrers like me to c…”

This piece is a classic style of complaint writing combining neurotic Jewish references, typically Thompson stinginess, and bizarre turns of phrases which makes it fairly obvious why it’s my most read article.  It may also have something to do with the fact that I used a number in the title, I split evenly between those 2 reasons (or maybe not wink wink).  Otherwise I have no idea what I was writing about or what it means due to me being in a state of intense rage.

Selection 2: Clip Show

“I’ve been running and writing this blog for over a year now and I think I’ve earned the right to run a highlight reel or rather a written clip show of what I consider to be some of my more memorable passages.  So below I’ve clipped out a few samples of extraordinary value and added some critiques to give you, the faithful reader, expert analysis of what I was thinking at the time.”

An unfortunately perfect example of the laziness and shoddy work that comprises this blog.  I shudder to think at the mind that would publish such a piece other than the fact that he must be working in some sort of ironic fashion where he thinks his self-deprecation will mask his extreme narcissism.  But what do I know I’m just the author.

Selection 3: Blank

Ah, yes the period in time when the author went on an extended hiatus for reasons unknown to even him.  Some think that it was caused by massive amounts of anxiety which lead to excessive gagging and nausea.  Others believe that he couldn’t think of another way to write a glowing review of Bob Dylan.  A small minority just believes that he had to leave us because that’s what blog writers do.  In some ways they’re all right, but in other ways they’re also all right (way to solve it Sherlock).

Selection 4: Find It Yourself

What’s the matter with you?  Go back into the archives and reread the pieces you liked.  It’s not so hard god dammit!  I mean there’s an index thing on the right side of every article, why not click on it and find a title that sounds interesting or one that you remember fondly.  I mean Christ, I write these things, what else do I have to do for you?  Bleed?  Just take it, take it all!  My goodness gracias!  This interview is over (takes off microphone in a fuming manner with smoke coming out of ears and walks out of studio).

~ 15 minutes later…

Sorry about that I don’t know what got over me.  I mean I do it was only 15 minutes ago, but that’s in the past.  I’m not that angry, angry young man anymore.  I’ve become an angrier young man but that’s for another blog.  So I hope you have enjoyed my writings over the past year and I invite you to stick around for this year is sure to have some more good pieces like the one I’m planning on Thursday (most likely something on the Jewish New Year).  So thanks for reading and I’ll see your page views on Thursday.