Halloween Fun

For most people Halloween is the most exciting holiday there is behind Christmas and their birthday.  For other people Halloween is the most exciting holiday behind Hanukkah and also their birthday.  Either way people like to dress up and get free candy before buckling down and harvesting for the coming winter.  I for one love All Hallows’ Eve and have recently grown to enjoy its offshoot of Halloween.  So as it is custom for every major holiday, I have made a few bullet points to help you make the most out of your October 31^st.  So enjoy my list and have a razorblade free Halloween!

1)      You must watch at least 10 Treehouse of Horror segments from The Simpsons and that list must include “The Shinning” (no excuses) in the week preceding Halloween.  Anything less and you will commit the heinous crime of not understanding half the things I will be referencing during this festive time.

2)      Decorate your house for Halloween the traditional department store way by setting up your Christmas display if you haven’t already.  I mean for goodness sakes Christmas is only two months away!  You should have started your preparation a month ago.

3)      If you are looking to get your costume posted all over social media and the news may I suggest using blackface or perhaps the ever popular Native American headdress.  You’ll be the belle of the twitterverse before being disqualified for every future job you wish to have. 

4)      Going to a bar and not talking to anybody other than your lame friends becomes instantly better when you’re doing it in a costume that will only be culturally relevant for another three months.     

5)      Wear a costume that only ten people on the planet will get and then lament the fact that nobody knows who you are dressed as even when you do explain it.  What a bunch of simpletons.

6)      There are so many girls in the sexy cat costume prowling around on Halloween.  Instead of dressing up like the oldest sexy costume in the book put my spin on it.  Dress in a full body cat suit and then add some lingerie to the ensemble to become “cat sexy”.  At the very least you’ll be the life of the furry crowd.

7)      Partake in an old Halloween tradition by discriminating against the Irish.

8)      Do not worry about your child eating a razor blade this Halloween as it will be the only thing they eat that will not cause/ worsen their diabetes.

9)      I’ve actually seen Christians going around preaching about the evils of Halloween and how it is a sinful and pagan holiday which again furthers the point that religious people aren’t very much fun.

10)     If you’re on the fence about it I say go all out and wear your Ebola related costume because that is actually scary and fits perfectly into the theme of the holiday.  I mean when was the last time you’ve seen a purely evil and vicious vampire on screen?  They’ve made the transition from pure evil to anti-hero and are creepy towards misunderstood bad guy.  In short, if you want to go scary, go Ebola. 

So we’ve hit ten which by list law means I must stop.  So get out there and have a great Halloween!  

Political Comedy Show Rankings

We are living in the golden age of political comedy shows so today I unveil my ranked order of the best damn political comedy shows out there while Stephen Colbert is still around and kicking. 

1)      Last Week Tonight with John Oliver – The newest show on the block is also the best one on the political comedy block.  The highlight of each episode is the long piece expose that can range from a discussion on how poorly The Miss America Pageant’s scholarship fund allocation is to a depressing discussion on how we treat people who translated for our military in Afghanistan and Iraq.  Each segment is presented in an unrushed format that is filled with as many details and shockingly depressing facts as there are actual jokes.  Sometimes the jokes feel extraneous due to how compelling each mid show piece is.  The weakness of John Oliver is the smugness and fake intellectualism that comes with watching the show.  You feel like you’re in the know of issues and smarter than the rest of the public when really you just know the tip of the iceberg and should use the show as a jumping off point for more knowledge on a particular subject.  I blame this on the fans and websites like Salon rather than on John Oliver (the man is a comedian doing his best).  Plus his British accent makes his show all the more charming and adds a more personal element to a story like the Scottish Independence movement (and his amazing Scottish accent).  John Oliver’s show is the pinnacle of comedy and depressing news and it is easily the best of the batch.

2)      Real Time with Bill Maher – Lately Bill Maher has been making news for being – gasp – controversial but I mean that’s the reason we love him.  He’s called smug and an asshole by his own fans, but in my view that’s his charm.  He is the ultimate Hollywood liberal and he fucking owns it like no one else.  He enjoys every aspect of the stereotype and implores the rest of the country to live in his “hedonistic” dream.  I for one can’t wait for his dream to become a reality.  Bill Maher is the only person on this list whose views and ideas actually surprise me.  I remember him sticking up for a bully a few years ago saying something along the lines of kids beat up other kids big deal, and immediately the panel and audience turned on him and he wound up alone on his own show.  He’s fearlessness in never kowtowing to his audience or guests and is something that makes him stand out among the rest.  If he has a guest on the show spewing out talking points and downright lies he will always call them out on it in an aggressive way that is lacking from Jon Stewart on occasion.  His panel usually includes the token conservative or libertarian meaning that the show will never be a dull or predictable preaching to the choir exercise in mental masterbation.  Maher always treats his guest right and I enjoy how he will never presuppose a position on a guest and will always listen to their point.  I’ve seen Real Time episodes where the MSNBC anchor (while I agree with them in most of their arguments) end up looking worse than the token conservative because they didn’t come into the discussion with an open mind and were content to stick to worn out talking points that didn’t apply to their ideological opponent.  Plus Bill Maher is the best on religion and I’ll never get tired of him taking them all to task.  And a word to the students at UC Berkley - stop protesting and let the man speak at your graduation.  You're lucky to have him agree to speak there in the first place.  So much for a so-called liberal academy of learning.

3)      The Colbert Report – This was always my favorite of the bunch (I was president of the Colbert Club in high school) but he has slipped in my rankings.  There used to be a time when every episode of the Colbert Report was gold from on high.  He did the Daft Punk dance off, subverted campaign election finance laws, and still had enough time to dole out some bear hatred.  Ever since the announcement that he is moving over to CBS, the madness that kept the Colbert flame a-running has lessened.  His stories aren’t as political or razor sharp anymore.  It seems that he’s stuck between transitioning between the conservative blowhard Stephen Colbert and regular Stephen Colbert that will be appearing for good next year.  The man is still the best interviewer of the bunch (see his interviews where he sits in silence with the Black Keys) and will still put on a tremendously unique show like his Watergate throwback episode.  He has slipped but this last run of shows until December hopefully will live up to his boast of every show being an instant classic.  So far he’s more or less lived up to the billing, but I’m hoping he’ll bring out some of his older weirder bits.  Maybe mention the riff with the Decembrists, the Sean Penn metaphor off, or play his new wave single “Charlene (I’m Right Behind You)” from his band Stephen and the Colberts.  Those bits were unlike anything I’ve seen and are always up there as the pinnacle of what the Colbert Report can be in its weirdest and most delightful moments.  I will always love the Report and will dutifully follow Colbert to CBS hoping he can match at least 50% of the grandeur he attained on Comedy Central.

4)      The Daily Show with Jon Stewart – I chalk this up more to the fact that everybody has caught up to Stewart rather than him tumbling and stumbling.  The bits on the Daily Show are still great when dealing with issues of income inequality and the legendary bit on the financial crash, but my biggest point of contention comes with the interviews.  Stewart gets the biggest guests out of all the political comedy shows but his interviews don’t have the same zeal and passion on a whole as they used to.  He’s too respectful and deferential to his guests but maybe that’s just my fault for looking to a comedian to do something that real news organizations should be doing.  When he was talking to Wendy Davis last night I wanted him to go in more depth about how her views are really an outlier in the state of Texas and how she really has no chance to be governor in the reddest of red states (especially with those voting laws).  I’ll also go out and say that I am getting a bit tired of his Italian-Jersey guy accent and wish he would stick with his Lindsay Graham southern belle, Mitch McConnell turtle, and Chuck Schumer Jewish mother voices.  Those are the best.  Jon Stewart still puts on a great show but I’ve noticed that the jokes don’t hit as frequently as they used to and the show can sometimes divulge into solely making fun of airhead cable news personalities.  His best segment of late strayed from cable news and dealt with how actual Congressmen discuss global warming.  He took them down in a manner that actually justified the hyperbolic Salon/Huffington Post headline that accompanied the clip the next morning.  More of that would be great but otherwise it’s the fucking Daily Show.  The Last thing theyneed is advice from a guy who has enough time to watch every episode of these four shows and have time for more.

NBA Predictions: The Atlantic Division

Let us finish our (really just my) discussion of the NBA with a breakdown of (wait for it)

The Atlantic Division

Brooklyn Nets

Last Year’s Finish: Glass half empty (because Jason Kidd spilled the other half on the floor “accidentally”). 

Best Player: Brooks Lopez – Actually looks at a map while riding the subway.  Asshole. 

Best New Arrival: Jarrett Jack – Signed with Brooklyn after finding Cleveland’s Jewish delis and egg cream game left much to be desired.  Suffice to say, he is very happy here.    

Strengths:  By moving from New Jersey to a newly renovated part of Brooklyn, the Nets have become the epitome of a gentrified New York and should actually fit in rather well.  The pressure is off Deron Williams and Joe Johnson this season because nobody believes they are elite players anymore.      

Weaknesses: More people wear Brooklyn Dodger apparel than Brooklyn Nets at the games and really all over the world.  Age has slowed down Kevin Garnett to the point where he is only expected to start 35 bench clearing brawls.    

Team’s Stated Goal: To make the playoffs in a competitive East. 

Team’s Real Goal:  To find out if the Brooklyn chant is indeed a chant or really just a jeer. 

Boston Celtics

Last Year’s Finish:  The fans were green alright…as in nauseous…because the team’s play wasn’t so hot.  

Best Player: Rajon Rondo – Will lead the league in trade rumors that never go anywhere for a fourth consecutive season. 

Best New Arrival: Marcus Thornton – His favorite expression is “me so thorny”. 

Strengths: No matter how poorly they play they will never be as bad as the 76ers.  Rajon Rondo will lead the team in assists because his teammates know better than to deny Rondo an assist.   

Weaknesses: A team called the Celtics with nary a redhead or leprechaun?  For shame.  Bill Simmons is their biggest fan.  Yikes.    

Team’s Stated Goal: To start the rebuilding process. 

Team’s Real Goal: To mangle the English language even further with those awful accents. 

New York Knicks

Last Year’s Finish: A return to being the league’s signature laughingstock franchise.   

Best Player: Carmelo Anthony – Will lead the league in unwarranted criticism for a superstar. 

Best New Arrival: Jose Calderon – Will have an automatic three month honeymoon simply for not being Raymond Felton. 

Strengths: JR Smith has the best twitter in the league.  He is untouchable on social media.  Phil Jackson has wowed the team with his stories about being on Knick’s team people didn’t mock.   

Weaknesses: James Dolan has requested that all music played throughout Knicks games must be from his band JD and the Straight Shot.  No matter how well this team plays, they will always be humbled by the mere fact that they are the New York Knicks.

Team’s Stated Goal: To make the playoffs. 

Team’s Real Goal: To lead the league in distracting and embarrassing headlines. 

Philadelphia 76ers

Last Year’s Finish: Well it wasn’t historically bad unlike this coming year. 

Best Player: Michael Carter Williams – Will reconsider his dream of playing in the NBA after playing for this year’s 76ers squad. 

Best New Arrival: Joel Emiid– Has fit in well to his new team by attaining a season threatening injury. 

Strengths – Will lead the league in “will be amazing in like 3 to 5 years” discussions.  You can’t be historically bad without being “historic”.  Or bad for that matter.   

Weaknesses – Unwisely chose to stock their team with only four professional basketball players.  Will lose a game against the Washington Generals despite the Generals not appearing on the schedule.    

Team’s Stated Goal: To develop their young players and rebuild.

Team’s Real Goal: To convince Allen Iverson to sign up and play a few games for the hell of it. 

Toronto Raptors

Last Year's Finish: So good that Drake wasn’t afraid to root for them in public.

 

Best Player: Demar DeRezan – Has popularized using de as an unnecessary de-prefix.   

Best New Arrival: Louis Williams – Hopes to keep up his streak on playing for good but not great teams. 

Strengths: Drake is contractually obligated to root for this team so that’s a win in itself.  This will be the only team to benefit from the release of that new Jurassic Park movie. 

      

Weaknesses: Toronto somehow thinks that playing in a non-contract year will actually inspire greatness from Kyle Lowry.  Will be the best team in the division by a mile but will get the least national coverage.

Team's Stated Goal: To win the Division and make a playoff run. 

Team's Real Goal: To go back in time and adequately prepare for that species wiping out asteroid. 

This wraps up my NBA preview.  Hope you enjoyed it.  And I will end my unbiased predictions by saying GO KNICKS!

NBA Predictions: The Central Division

 The Central Division has changed mightily since last season.  Shall we check in with my ever so thought out team by team breakdowns?  I think the answer is yes!

Chicago Bulls

Last Year’s Finish: A team so gritty that their story has been sold to DC comics.

Best Player: Derrick Rose – He will astound fans and scientists this year by discovering a new bone in the human body due to his breaking it. 

Best New Arrival: Pau Gasol – His pilgrimage to the holy Zen centers of Phil Jackson will be completed next season by joining the Knicks but only after he finds the copy of “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance” that Phil has hidden in Chicago.   

Strengths:  A team called the Bulls wearing red?  I just got the connection and that sir is genius!  Scottie Pippen shows up to home games on occasion. 

Weaknesses: Tom Thibodeau will injure a major star because he doesn’t feel right about his team being healthy and firing on all cylinders.  Jimmy Butler has yet to live up to his namesake and murder an old rich widowed recluse. 

Team’s Stated Goal: To win the NBA Finals. 

Team’s Real Goal: To make sure the word “gritty” is said no less than 20 times a broadcast when describing these Bulls.

Cleveland Cavaliers

Last Year’s Finish:  What? That’s not important.

Best Player: Lebron James – Came back for that unexplainable feeling of seeing an arena filled with rubes wearing burned jerseys.  

Best New Arrival: Lebron James – He joined the Cavaliers solely for the Best Player/Best New Arrival bullet point sweep. 

Strengths:  Their third best player is a former all-star game MVP while your team’s best player is thinking of a way to join the Cavaliers.  Will finish on top of the Eastern Conference and still get the number one draft pick.      

Weaknesses: Kevin Love realized that the perk of playing with Lebron James is instantly negated with the sacrifice of living in Cleveland.  Noted awful human being Dan Gilbert wins yet again. 

Team’s Stated Goal: To win the NBA Finals. 

Team’s Real Goal: To make the sappiest/most dramatic “I’m Coming Home” video of all time. 

Detroit Pistons

Last Year’s Finish: “Detroit Sucks and I hate it” – Mitt Romney

Best Player: Andre Drummond – His intense zeal and skill at blocking shots must come from some sort of emptiness inside.  Don’t block us Andre, we are only trying to drive to the hoop – of your heart.

Best New Arrival: DJ Augustin – Is being converted to a center to fit in with Detroit’s game plan of only fielding centers and power forwards. 

Strengths: Stan Van Gundy has at least three years before he alienates his best players and forces them to different teams.  The team will try a new strategy this season and attempt to win games. 

Weaknesses: Josh Smith made an off season vow to shoot even more three pointers because according to him, “that’s what the people want”.  Whenever Jodie Meeks enters the game he exclaims the Meeks shall inherit the Court. 

Team’s Stated Goal: To make the playoffs. 

Team’s Real Goal: To buy a Japanese made car. 

Indiana Pacers

Last Year’s Finish: “Blowin’ in the Wind”. 

Best Player: Paul George – Proved it’s never a good idea to play for one’s country. 

Best New Arrival: Rodney Stuckey – Looks like he’s “Stuck-ey” in a bad situation (I’ll see my way out). 

Strengths – The team has successfully navigated the quickest way through the indoor walkway in downtown Indianapolis.  David West has never once littered in the arena.       

Weaknesses – 75 points will constitute a strong offensive night for this team.  Roy Hibbert will only have two games this season to embarrass Tyson Chandler.   

Team’s Stated Goal: To weather their injuries and sneak into the playoffs.

Team’s Real Goal: To lobby for this season to have an asterisk next to it for all official record books. 

Milwaukee Bucks

Last Year’s Finish: The opposite of good, watchable, and painless. 

Best Player: Larry Sanders – Finally has a favorite episode of the Larry Sanders Show.   

Best New Arrival: Jabari Parker – Has been compared to Carmelo Anthony in the sense that both will never win an NBA championship.

Strengths: Giannis Antetokounmpo is on pace for a record year in heart-warming and touching fish out of water stories.  Jason Kidd has quickly fit in with Buck’s culture by getting lost in the lights of numerous tracker trailers on the highway. 

Weaknesses: O.J. Mayo has yet to win a locked antlers battle with anybody.  It’s never a good sign when the team’s biggest selling point is that they haven’t skipped town. 

Team’s Stated Goal: To develop their young players. 

Team’s Real Goal: To warn Bambi about his mother before it’s too late.  

NBA Predictions: The Southeast Division

The Southeast Division:  With Lebron James leaving the scope of the division has changed and has offered an opportunity for teams to come in second place behind the Heat by as little as four games.  Below I preview the five teams that make up the Southeast Division. 

Atlanta Hawks

Last Year’s Finish: 11^th in the West, a near upset in the East.

Best Player: Al Horford – The only thing keeping the Hawks from being a sub 500 team.  He is the Hawks everything.  Don’t leave Atlanta Al. 

Best New Arrival: Thabo Sefolosha – That’s the player you get from the Thunder?  Jesus, no wonder this team can’t make it higher than the 6^th seed. 

Strengths: Donald Sterling helped prevent the Hawks management from winning the annual NBA Owner’s racist off.  Dennis Schroder has learned how to play the piano to better emulate his namesake. 

Weaknesses: Kyle Korver’s petition for a 4 point line went unnoticed again.  He will have to waste his outside shooting talents at the very pedestrian three point line.  The Hawks haven’t appeared in the finals since 1961 (as the St Louis Hawks) and haven’t won a championship since 1958 and nobody seems to care.

Team’s Stated Goal: To make the playoffs and pull off an upset. 

Team’s Real Goal:  To publicly admonish Bruce Levenson while quietly putting his ideas into action. 

Charlotte Hornets

Last Year’s Finish:   The only time a city threw a parade for a four game first round sweep.

Best Player: Al Jefferson – After last year’s triumphant debut season, Jefferson is looking forward to phoning it because he did the near impossible last year,

Best New Arrival: Lance Stephenson – Is excited to fully embrace his "pest" role by donning a stinger and running around the court making a buzz sound.  It'll be less annoying than blowing into people's ears.

Strengths:   Due to the success of last season, the Hornets expect to have only 65% opposing fan crowds at home games.  Kemba Walker and Lance Stephenson are fitting in quite well in Charlotte’s “Little Brooklyn” neighborhood. 

Weaknesses: The team feels uncomfortable with the pressure that comes with being expected to win slightly more than half their games.  The most exciting part of the offseason was the name change to the Hornets and the throwback gear that came back into style. 

Team’s Stated Goal: To host a 1^st round series and advance to the second round. 

Team’s Real Goal:  To stop being so shy and finally ask for Michael Jordan’s autograph. 

Miami Heat

Last Year’s Finish: Welcome to the rest of the league assholes!

Best Player: Dwyane Wade – He will never throw an alley-oop pass again.  It just brings back too many bad memories. 

Best New Arrival: Luol Deng – It is impossible to say his name without sounding like Forrest Gump.  Try it and marvel at how right I am (very right).   

Strengths:  Miami Heat fans will have a valid excuse for coming late and leaving games early.  Chris Bosh had the perfect family reunion this summer – at the Hall of Dinosaurs at the Natural History Museum (zing)!   

Weaknesses: Could not corrupt and kill the inherent goodness in Lebron James hence his return to Cleveland.  If Chris Bosh ever returns to the Raptors than hell has truly frozen over.  Shabazz Napier has not launched into the lavish song and dance number his first name requires him to do.  

  

Team’s Stated Goal: To make a surprisingly deep playoff run.    

Team’s Real Goal:  To finally send that box labeled "his" to Cleveland.  

Orlando Magic

Last Year’s Finish: Like waiting in a line for an hour and a half in 100 degree weather to go on a 90 second roller coaster.   

Best Player: Victor Oladipo – Is eagerly awaiting the day when the Lakers swoop him up as they do with every great Magic player. 

Best New Arrival: Channing Frye – Will relate easily to his young colleagues by discussing his lack of playoff and big game experience. 

Strengths:  The coaching staff has discovered that the best way to communicate with this young team is to sit backwards on a chair (with a corresponding backwards baseball cap) and rap with these go-getters.  Without Lebron James in their division they will be able to stay competitive in their eventual four loses to the Heat this season. 

Weaknesses:  If you had to compare their basketball skills or basketball illusions to that of a famous magician it would be GOB Bluth.  Management is still convinced that losing a lot of games isn’t necessarily a bad thing.   

Team’s Stated Goal: To develop their young players and become an exciting team to watch.

Team’s Real Goal: To see what the people look like under all the character costumes at Disney World. 

Washington Wizards

Last Years’ Finish: Filibustered! 

Best Player: John Wall – I drafted him in a mock anonymous fantasy basketball draft and was berated by complete strangers for several minutes.  He is the reason why I will never play fantasy sports.

   

Best New Arrival: Paul Pierce – Will teach his young teammates the art of milking a minor injury and proper fake wheelchair etiquette. 

Strengths: Marcin Gortat has become the internet’s favorite Eastern European player.  Nene has the perfect name for a sassy black friend on a network sitcom.    

Weaknesses: They are the best thing our nation’s capital has going for us.  The only other person who thinks that saying wizard is cool is Star Wars Episode I Anakin Skywalker.

Teams’ Stated Goal: Host a first round series and make a deep playoff run.

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Teams’ Real Goal:  To play a game wearing the robes of a Supreme Court Justice. 

NBA Predictions: The Southwest Division

Today on NBA predictions we head down south and west to east.  It's the Southwest Division y'all! 

Dallas Mavericks

Last Years’ Finish: Would you believe they nearly beat the Spurs?  Crazy. 

Best Player: Dirk Nowitzki – The ultimate in efficient German engineering am I right?  I am right.  Very right.  Almost too right…

Best New Arrival: Chandler Parsons – Is looking forward to a change in scenery to mask another first round exit.    

Strengths:  Mark Cuban has regained his number one spot as the GM who starts hilarious and distracting feuds.  Monta Ellis changed his name to Montana Ellis.  It just fits.  

Weaknesses: Raymond Felton and Jameer Nelson will finally decide who was the most decent point guard from 2009-2011.  Tyson Chandler has already run out of ways to criticize his team’s lack of defensive focus.

Team’s Stated Goal: To make the playoffs and win a series. 

Team’s Real Goal: To start a successful campaign to cancel Shark Tank.

Houston Rockets

Last Years’ Finish:  An instant classic – for the Portland Trail Blazers.

Best Player: James Harden – Over the summer he finally took the leap and deleted Kevin Durant and Russell Westbrook’s phone numbers (but he still follows them on instagram).  Baby steps James.  Baby steps. 

Best New Arrival: Trevor Ariza – Is relishing the chance to take over the most overpaid role player in the NBA position. 

Strengths:  The team has decided to say "blast off" before every game while pretending to be little spaceships soaring through the heavens.  Needless to say it’s quite adorable.  Dwight Howard has successfully alienated everybody on his team.

Weaknesses: James Harden sees no problem with the fact that there are 300 YouTube compilations entitled “James Harden Defensive Fail”.  Somehow thought that losing good players would make them a better and more complete squad.    

Team’s Stated Goal: Gain home court advantage in the first round of the playoffs and make a deep run.

Team’s Real Goal: To win Daryl Morey as much praise from Grantland as humanly possible. 

Memphis Grizzlies

Last Year’s Finish: Only slightly better than the fate of the polar bear. 

Best Player: Marc Gasol – He spent the summer telling his brother Pau, that he was still the better Gasol.  In other news Marc Gasol is a liar. 

Best New Arrival: Vince Carter – Is the only player on the team who can tell the difference between a grizzly bear and a brown bear.  He is revered for this. 

Strengths:  Zach Randolph just had a great summer guys.  He just found himself.  The team sports a great selection of Memphis Blues tunes for whenever the team suffers a crushing defeat.     

Weaknesses: Theodore Roosevelt hunted and killed the team’s previous eight mascots.  Quincy Pondexter has been shoved into many a locker this year (what a nerd).    

Team’s Stated Goal:  To make a deep playoff run.

Team’s Real Goal:  To return back to Vancouver and be free and live alone in peace god dammit!

New Orleans Pelicans

Last Year’s Finish: Enhancement (say it like Cajun Man).

Best Player: Anthony Davis – Has been compared to Patrick Ewing.  Hopefully he can hit a finger roll when it FUCKING COUNTS (I still love you Patrick but never forget.  Never forget.). 

Best New Arrival - Omer Asik – Every team needs a weird European.  He is that weird European for the Pelicans. 

Strengths – It’s always a holiday with Jrue Holiday (trademark pending).  It’s always Hanukkah with Dionte Christmas (trademark also pending).    

Weaknesses – Will be a great team in a few years.  Unfortunately the key words in that sentence are a few years (hang in there New Orleans).  Still can’t get a player elected king of Mardi Gras or even basketballer of Mardi Gras.  Pathetic.   

Team’s Stated Goal: To compete for a playoff spot.

Team’s Real Goal: To scoop up as many fresh fish as possible with their beaks. 

San Antonio Spurs

Last Years’ Finish: Predictable. 

Best Player: Tony Parker – Wants you to believe he’s the most underrated superstar in the league.  Nice try but no dice!

Best New Arrival: Kyle Anderson – Lucky bastard. 

Strengths:  Tim Duncan is the best 85 year old basketball player in the world.  The Spurs will play none of their starters and still win 60 games.   

Weaknesses: Gregg Popovich peaked in classic interviews last year so expect for him to have a good but not transcendent media season.  Manu Ginobili still does not speak English or even Spanish.  Weird I know. 

Team's Stated Goal: To win the NBA Finals.

Team's Real Goal: To win the NBA Finals (that’s how boring they are they don’t even have a funny real goal).  

NBA Predictions: Northwest Division

Today on NBA Predictions we head up north and then west and then oddly south as I preview the Northwest Division.

Denver Nuggets

Last Years’ Finish: Well not so good once the mine shut down…

Best Player: Ty Lawson – One day he’ll be a star and he’ll show all of you!  Yeah that’s right a star!

Best New Arrival: Aaron Afflalo – Will most likely spend the rest of his career being traded back and forth between the Magic and the Nuggets.

Strengths: Kenneth Faried or the manimal has become very adept at evading poachers and nature documentarians.  Denver has finally become a “groovy” free agent destination due to some “hip” new grass laws “daddy-o”.  “Far out” indeed.    

Weaknesses: The team is comprised with multiple ex- New York Knicks players which is never a good sign if your franchise is trying to win.  Timofey Mozgov continues to deny that he was ever dunked on but his tears say otherwise.        

Team’s Stated Goal: To return to the playoffs.

Team’s Real Goal:  What were we talking about?  Dave’s not here man!

Minnesota Timberwolves

Last Years’ Finish:  Timberwolves?  More like averagewolves (zing)!

Best Player: Nikola Pekovic – Unless your player’s name ends in Nowitzki or Bird it’s never a good sign when your best player is white. 

Best New Arrival: Thaddeus Young – Is happy to be playing on an awful team rather than a historically awful team.

Strengths:  They will not be as bad as the 76ers so there’s that.  The team has come to peace with the slogan “winning isn’t everything” and is now using it as the center of their marketing campaign. 

Weaknesses: They are developing young talent not for themselves, but for other franchises to snatch up.  Andrew Wiggins still believes he is on the Cavaliers and will be playing with Lebron James. 

Team’s Stated Goal: To develop their young talent and compete in each game.

Team’s Real Goal: To craft the perfect fuck you letter to Kevin Love. 

Portland Trail Blazers

Last Year’s Finish: Nobody died of dysentery, so a pleasant surprise. 

Best Player: LaMarcus Aldridge – Last year he achieved the greatest highlight of all when he was cast as Penny Marshall’s boyfriend on an episode of Portlandia.  Hooray for Hollywood!

Best New Arrival: Steve Blake – Will continue Portland’s trend of having a bad bench squad.

Strengths: Have finally caught up on Portlandia.  Damian Lillard is their best player not named LaMarcus Aldridge.   

Weaknesses:  The only people in Portland who cannot grow decent beards.  Get with the scene fellas!  Robin Lopez still looks like Sideshow Bob. 

Team’s Stated Goal: To host a first round playoff series and advance to the second round.   

Team’s Real Goal: To find out what the hell “Rip City” means. 

Oklahoma City Thunder

Last Year’s Finish: In the battle of youth vs age, youth lost. 

Best Player: Kevin Durant – Apologize to Lil B already!  It’s the only way to stop the curse. 

Best New Arrival: Anthony Morrow – His season highlight will be appearing in this section. 

Strengths – Russell Westbrook has adapted well into the role of over-criticized superstar.  Serge Ibaka still has the coolest name in the NBA. 

Weaknesses – Has decided to prove that young teams can get injured just as easily as veteran teams.  Has started to enjoy losing in the Western Conference Finals year after year.       

Team’s Stated Goal: To win the NBA Finals.

Team’s Real Goal: To move back to Seattle. 

Utah Jazz

Last Years’ Finish:   Played more like Wynton Marsalis rather than like Duke Ellington. 

Best Player: Gordon Hayward – It’s not a good sign when your best player looks like he’s 15 and gearing up for his Mormon Missionary trip.

Best New Arrival: Steve Novak – Is ready to accept his role as veteran player nobody really respects and listens to.   

Strengths:  Finally learned who Dave Brubeck was.  Derrick Favors puns still sound fresh and not played out.

Weaknesses: If they are to be called the Jazz they must work on their nicknaming game which is unfortunately very weak.  Their mascot is Mitt Romney.  Yikes.   

Team's Stated Goal: To have a successful rebuilding year.

Team's Real Goal: To put on their own successful production of Book of Mormon.  

NBA Predictions: Pacific Division

Today is a historic day for the Ramblings blah blah whatever blog because I am embarking on my first recurring featuring.  Last year I brought you my NBA predictions which were horribly inaccurate but endlessly entertaining (for me).  Today I will begin the 2^nd annual NBA predictions blog with an entry on the Pacific Division.  Again I am a big Knicks fan so at least you know where my bias points to (his holiness Phil Jackson).

Golden State Warriors

Last Years’ Finish:  They couldn’t beat a team that was in complete emotional disarray.  We’ll chalk this up to a step back. 

Best Player: Stephen Curry – This is the year where he finally shoots away his problems.  We’re rooting for you buddy!

Best New Arrival: Shaun Livingston – Joined the team to show Stephen Curry what a real leg injury looks like.

Strengths:  Andrew Bogut has promised to only fight and suspend opposing team’s marquee players.  Klay Thompson grew a goatee over the summer.    

Weaknesses:  To better reflect California, the team name has been changed from “Golden State” to “Prison State”.  New coach Steve Kerr has shied away from the Baptist preacher routine that served Mark Jackson so well and has unwisely chosen to lead as a Franciscan Friar.

Team’s Stated Goal: Make the Western Conference Finals.

Team’s Real Goal: To make Mark Jackson hit rock bottom and then some. 

Los Angeles Clippers

Last Years’ Finish: Things were said, mistakes were made” – Donald Sterling

Best Player: Chris Paul – As an acclaimed “floor general”, Paul spent his whole summer training the Iraqi army to defeat Isis.  In short, he had a bad summer.

Best New Arrival: Spencer Hawes – Helped the Clippers achieve the decent three point shooting white guy quota.

Strengths:  Stayed true to their roots and kept the name Clippers despite the emerging schooner trend.  Blake Griffin remembers how to dunk a basketball and has saved the promotions team a lot of hard work. 

Weaknesses:  Because their owner was the CEO of Microsoft, the team has been reviewing videos on the Microsoft Surface and has become the laughingstock of the NBA alternative video coordinator scene.  Jamal Crawford intends to keep up his pledge to never adequately defend an opposing player.

Team’s Stated Goal: Make it to the NBA Finals.

Team’s Real Goal: Secretly rehire Donald Sterling in some sort of role because you can’t buy that kind of publicity! 

Los Angeles Lakers

Last Year’s Finish: Welcome to the rest of the NBA assholes.

Best Player: Kobe Bryant – Will make up for the loss of Pau Gasol by criticizing the hell of out Carlos Boozer.

Best New Arrival: Jeremy Lin – Is the only person who thinks that his NBA career didn’t peak during that stretch with the Knicks.   

Strengths:  Kobe Bryant will lead the league in trivial ESPN headlines.  They will win 25 less games than the Clippers and still outdraw them by a 2 to 1 margin.    

Weaknesses: Kobe Bryant said that he prefers Iggy Azalea to Nick Young.  Call TMZ because I smell a scandal!  Steve Nash is still on the team?  Well that’s good in theory I suppose. 

Team’s Stated Goal: To return to .500 and make the playoffs.

Team’s Real Goal: To convince Kobe Bryant to take a goddamn pay cut. 

Phoenix Suns

Last Year’s Finish: A pox on the Eastern Conference.

Best Player: Goran Dragic – Lived up to what his name sounds like and became a Bond villain.

Best New Arrival: Isaiah Thomas – As long as he stays away from the Knicks, he will be A-Okay. 

Strengths – Zoran Dragic was brought in to keep brother Goran Dragic happy because spending time with your family is always a pleasant and relaxing time.  The team watched all of Cosmos to really connect with their namesake.

Weaknesses – Is destined to become the team that holds the prestige 9^th place in the West and 3^rd place in the East spot.  This is a running team that can outrun every team but death.   

Team’s Stated Goal: To sneak into the playoffs.

Team’s Real Goal: To petition the league to move the team to the Eastern Conference. 

Sacramento Kings

Last Years’ Finish: Interchangeable from the last few horrible seasons.

Best Player: DeMarcus Cousins – Always a leading contender for the best player on an awful team award.

Best New Arrival: Darren Collison – It’s going to be a long year. 

Strengths:  The second they trade Rudy Gay they will become a great team so get on that one.  They have a player named Jason Thompson!  Am I secretly him or is he secretly me?  Either way the man has a killer name.    

Weaknesses: Kings? It’s the 21^st century people.  How about updating the team to the Sacramento Supreme Leaders?  They gave a team to Sacramento?  Pathetic.

Teams’ Stated Goal: To be competitive and take some steps towards the playoffs.

Teams’ Real Goal: To acquire a time machine and right the wrongs of Game 6 of the 2002 Western Conference Finals.