NBA Predictions: Pacific Division

Today is a historic day for the Ramblings blah blah whatever blog because I am embarking on my first recurring featuring.  Last year I brought you my NBA predictions which were horribly inaccurate but endlessly entertaining (for me).  Today I will begin the 2^nd annual NBA predictions blog with an entry on the Pacific Division.  Again I am a big Knicks fan so at least you know where my bias points to (his holiness Phil Jackson).

Golden State Warriors

Last Years’ Finish:  They couldn’t beat a team that was in complete emotional disarray.  We’ll chalk this up to a step back. 

Best Player: Stephen Curry – This is the year where he finally shoots away his problems.  We’re rooting for you buddy!

Best New Arrival: Shaun Livingston – Joined the team to show Stephen Curry what a real leg injury looks like.

Strengths:  Andrew Bogut has promised to only fight and suspend opposing team’s marquee players.  Klay Thompson grew a goatee over the summer.    

Weaknesses:  To better reflect California, the team name has been changed from “Golden State” to “Prison State”.  New coach Steve Kerr has shied away from the Baptist preacher routine that served Mark Jackson so well and has unwisely chosen to lead as a Franciscan Friar.

Team’s Stated Goal: Make the Western Conference Finals.

Team’s Real Goal: To make Mark Jackson hit rock bottom and then some. 

Los Angeles Clippers

Last Years’ Finish: Things were said, mistakes were made” – Donald Sterling

Best Player: Chris Paul – As an acclaimed “floor general”, Paul spent his whole summer training the Iraqi army to defeat Isis.  In short, he had a bad summer.

Best New Arrival: Spencer Hawes – Helped the Clippers achieve the decent three point shooting white guy quota.

Strengths:  Stayed true to their roots and kept the name Clippers despite the emerging schooner trend.  Blake Griffin remembers how to dunk a basketball and has saved the promotions team a lot of hard work. 

Weaknesses:  Because their owner was the CEO of Microsoft, the team has been reviewing videos on the Microsoft Surface and has become the laughingstock of the NBA alternative video coordinator scene.  Jamal Crawford intends to keep up his pledge to never adequately defend an opposing player.

Team’s Stated Goal: Make it to the NBA Finals.

Team’s Real Goal: Secretly rehire Donald Sterling in some sort of role because you can’t buy that kind of publicity! 

Los Angeles Lakers

Last Year’s Finish: Welcome to the rest of the NBA assholes.

Best Player: Kobe Bryant – Will make up for the loss of Pau Gasol by criticizing the hell of out Carlos Boozer.

Best New Arrival: Jeremy Lin – Is the only person who thinks that his NBA career didn’t peak during that stretch with the Knicks.   

Strengths:  Kobe Bryant will lead the league in trivial ESPN headlines.  They will win 25 less games than the Clippers and still outdraw them by a 2 to 1 margin.    

Weaknesses: Kobe Bryant said that he prefers Iggy Azalea to Nick Young.  Call TMZ because I smell a scandal!  Steve Nash is still on the team?  Well that’s good in theory I suppose. 

Team’s Stated Goal: To return to .500 and make the playoffs.

Team’s Real Goal: To convince Kobe Bryant to take a goddamn pay cut. 

Phoenix Suns

Last Year’s Finish: A pox on the Eastern Conference.

Best Player: Goran Dragic – Lived up to what his name sounds like and became a Bond villain.

Best New Arrival: Isaiah Thomas – As long as he stays away from the Knicks, he will be A-Okay. 

Strengths – Zoran Dragic was brought in to keep brother Goran Dragic happy because spending time with your family is always a pleasant and relaxing time.  The team watched all of Cosmos to really connect with their namesake.

Weaknesses – Is destined to become the team that holds the prestige 9^th place in the West and 3^rd place in the East spot.  This is a running team that can outrun every team but death.   

Team’s Stated Goal: To sneak into the playoffs.

Team’s Real Goal: To petition the league to move the team to the Eastern Conference. 

Sacramento Kings

Last Years’ Finish: Interchangeable from the last few horrible seasons.

Best Player: DeMarcus Cousins – Always a leading contender for the best player on an awful team award.

Best New Arrival: Darren Collison – It’s going to be a long year. 

Strengths:  The second they trade Rudy Gay they will become a great team so get on that one.  They have a player named Jason Thompson!  Am I secretly him or is he secretly me?  Either way the man has a killer name.    

Weaknesses: Kings? It’s the 21^st century people.  How about updating the team to the Sacramento Supreme Leaders?  They gave a team to Sacramento?  Pathetic.

Teams’ Stated Goal: To be competitive and take some steps towards the playoffs.

Teams’ Real Goal: To acquire a time machine and right the wrongs of Game 6 of the 2002 Western Conference Finals.