Golden Globes Recap

Thoughts on this year’s Golden Globes:

Why doesn’t Kristen Wiig host the Golden Globes? I think she’s the only comedian who routinely never booms on award shows and is hilarious with every comedian she’s paired with. Her bit with Steve Carrell was easily the comedic highlight of the night (don’t dismiss this as faint praise due to the lameness of the host) and reminded people to YouTube every other bit she’s ever done on an award show. Now naturally the question arises of whether she can sustain this hilarity for the thankless role of host or do these segments float because they break up the monotony of this intolerable circle jerk? I’m willing to bet on the first theory and I hope she gets a major hosting gig soon.

Meryl Streep gave the speech of the New Year but my favorite part was the predictable right wing criticism that accompanied it. The only shocker was that Trump didn’t finish his “Meryl is overrated” tweet by ending it with “sad”. That seems to be his preferred sentence finisher. Then came the conservative chorus of Hollywood being elitist and out of touch with the middle of the America and this time that claim ran even more hollow than usual. How are you going to say that the guy born to incredible wealth and lives in a golden penthouse is somehow not an out of touch snobby elitist? He has a star on the Walk of Fame and has spent his life trying to get has far away from the middle class and poor as possible by building those giant eye sores for the rich and well to do around my fair city (and the world). When has Donald Trump done anything for anybody outside of himself or those who could further his position and his place? I’ll give you a hint: never! So stop pretending that Donald Trump isn’t a part of this Hollywood elitist culture, I mean his brand is based on being the national embodiment of the rich New York City asshole. So let’s cut it out with this whole Donald Trump is a man of the people routine.  

Kudos on the cameramen for focusing in on noted Hollywood conservatives Mel Gibson and Vince Vaughn during Meryl Streep’s incredibly passionate and liberal speech. Those reaction shots were all worth it.

We get it Tom Hiddleston, you’re a good person and you do god’s work. Again good work on the cameramen for finding the few reaction shots of people who didn’t roll their eyes all the way to the back of their skulls.

Jimmy Fallon’s monologue was kind of funny, but then again you let Trump of the hook and tussled his hair, so mixed feelings I guess?

I actually think the Golden Globes does it right in terms of having separate categories for comedies and dramas. Why we have this idea that comedy is inferior to the frowny face mask is beyond me. So good on that. Now if they would start nominating better movies…

Why were the people behind La La Land talking about their movie like it was the ultimate outsider movie? Tell me again how Hollywood was against a movie that has been described as a love letter to Los Angeles and its musical past? I fail to see how anybody in Los Angeles would want to make that kind of film especially when it stars two of the most attractive and bankable stars on the planet and directed by the guy (from Harvard) whose last film won a ton of awards. What a bunch of wide eyed dreamers!

Donald Glover and Atlanta continued the new show wins many awards streak that Lena Dunham and Girls started (which was continued by Andy Samberg and Brooklyn 99). And in keeping with this grand Golden Globes tradition look for it to somehow never win another award no matter how good the show remains.

And finally, Brad Pitt is still really hot and beloved by his Hollywood peers. That is how you win a breakup despite losing custody of your children. Well played Mr. Pitt.

How to Pick the Right Dating App

Join these dating apps/websites if:

Bumble

If you enjoy swiping on the hottest, most beautiful people in the world while in no way expecting a match.

(Guy) It’s fun to know that women also suck at sending out messages.

(Girl) The thrill that comes with not receiving a sexist comment until the third message. Truly the enlightened casual dating app.

Tinder

If you enjoy basking in the intense judgement of others that comes after you say “so I met them on Tinder”.

Enjoying never knowing if you two are dating, quasi-dating, seeing each other, friends with benefits, or just you know hanging out and stuff, super casual.

You want to get really close to somebody, like spend every minute of every day with them only to have them never reply to any of your texts or calls out of the blue. Act now, the joys of ghosting can be yours!

JSwipe

You could always have your self-esteem significantly lowered.

Your hero is Norman Bates.

You’ve read all of Phillip Roth’s novels and thought that’s the guy for me.

Christian Mingle

You’re trying to find somebody who also thinks that screaming at women outside of a Planned Parenthood constitutes the perfect first date.

For the kinky Christian – it’s always a threesome because no matter who you date, you always date with our lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

Their “dating algorithm” is the only type of science you’re willing to believe in.

OkCupid

You like answering a million personality questions that will ultimately be ignored based on how hot you are.

(Girl): You enjoy being bombarded with countless messages and threats if god forbid you don’t reply within 30 seconds of receiving another shitty “sup” greeting.

Finding out how much of a mortal enemy you are with a stranger because you both had different answers to the question of which “shitty early thousands emo band are you?”

Match

Commercials always tell the truth and never exaggerate or lie!

Your life is passing you by very quickly and it’s about time you dragged somebody down with you.

Dating should be neither fun nor interesting at all.

eHarmony

You’re secretly super Christian (do a quick search I’m not joking about this one…the founder’s a goddamn crazy Christian).

Christian Mingle is for harlots and heretics. Give us something even more Christian (again look this shit up)!

You’re trying to go straight from being single and unhappy to being married and unhappy.

A 3.5 out of 10

I was sinking fast and needed a way out. A week ago things had gone from good to bad and I thought it was time to start rebounding. The problem with that theory was that I chose to look backwards rather than forwards. I opened the rolodex and thought of someone I had liked but knew would never be more than a like. It seemed like the perfect temporary solution. We had fun back in the day and ended on decent enough terms – a mutual ghosting of conversation and meetings. Nothing was sour at all. It just ended. But I was feeling low and I had this feeling that if I came a calling she would respond. It took an hour after the initial lame entry text, but after receiving the always ominous “who is this” reply, we settled into some pleasantries before deciding to meet up the next day. I had it. The road was paved and all I had to do was show up before the rebounding would commence in earnest.

We decided to meet around Union Square which was pretty dumb considering that I would have to search for her in the midst of a winding holiday market, but she’s a fan of simplicity and minimalism so I found her quickly at the edge bundled up and smiling. Just like that we started downtown, talking and catching up. We made sure to hit on all the major points – Halloween, the election, Thanksgiving, her birthday, and so on and so forth. I was even able to sneak in some remininsces as we passed by Washington Square Park. The night was going as well as it could be and I decided to crank up the nostalgia factor by taking her back to Pianos, which is for some reason is my go to date place. Why I go there is a mystery. The place is always jammed packed, the upstairs has a cover, the drinks are pricey and small, and the entry hand marker takes at least two days to wash away. But for some reason I am a loyal customer. Go figure. Anyway we head over and start downing some drinks. The conversation is going fairly well, we’re laughing and joking at what seems to be an even pace. I’m my usual “charming” self and she’s the same. I like what’s happening. We’re a few drinks in when for some reason we start talking about dates and such and she mentions she likes to rate guys and how her friends think it’s weird. I say not at all we all judged people, I mean we met on Bumble. She laughed and agreed. I playfully asked what my ranking was and she told me I was a 3.5 and that it wasn’t out of five.

A 3.5 out of a whole ten. So specific and so low like Jesus what was happening. She was surprised I didn’t agree with her assessment of the night. I said you’ve been laughing at everything I’ve been saying. Apparently I was wrong on that front. She had been laughing at her reaction to my jokes and stories. Nobody has been able to tell me what that means. I couldn’t get over that. A 3.5, talk about an ego blow. The only thing worse was a half hearted attempt at consoling me with the revelation that I started at a mediocre 6. I must have been on some sort of roll to take a 2.5 point drop on her scale of gentlemanly likability in a matter of an hour and a half. She said I was a lot higher back in the day but what I had perceived as a mutual ghosting had in actuality dropped me way, way down. That’s fair I thought, but you also never called me back. I contended it was mutual and she agreed but that I still had to pay in the rankings.

I think we talked for longer, but I don’t really know what about. That ranking had engulfed and consumed me. This was supposed to be a slam dunk and here I was back in the rain. We left and got something to eat and then for some reason I went back to her place for reasons a friend of mine describes as solely masochist. I get on top of her bed and lay down while she sits on the other end. I make a lame pass that gets quickly shut down as I think to myself is it really worth it. So we’re talking about something and she asks about my reasons for hitting her up. I start to lie but she knows I’m lying. She calls me out on it really quick and she’s right to do so. Why would I lie to the person who said I was a 3.5 to my face? She was brutally honest with me so I suppose it’s my turn to repay the favor. I tell her about a hurt I had suffered recently and how I was trying to rebound. We had gone on a few fun dates before which always ended with the bonus of hooking up or fucking so I wanted to take a trip down memory lane and I needed to feel good about something. She told me that moved me up to a 4.5 but that was my peak. You know, just what everyone wants to hear after pouring out the pain bottled deep inside. She knew what the deal was when I made a joke earlier about being depressed. She said it sounded more believable than the previous times I had thrown out that old chestnut. I talked for probably twenty minutes about what was bothering me and it felt weird but refreshing to talk so openly to someone I knew I was never going to see again. I talked, she listened and told me things I can’t remember and then we segued into talking about her last sexual experience. We chatted and like that it got late.

I mentioned I was ready to leave and she said I could stay if I wanted. We’re we going to do anything I asked and she said no. I’d sleep on one side and she’s take the other of her king sized bed. What’s the point I said and she asked if I thought that just because I got her a drink meant that I was entitled to sleep with her. Of course not I said, that doesn’t mean anything. Plus you bought the second round so that excuse was invalid. I asked when she knew she didn’t want to sleep with me and she told me it was decided when she agreed to meet. So that was another in a series of fun revelations. That seemed like the perfect time to leave so I got my shoes and walked outside into the lower east side. Well that backfired tremendously and I guess I deserved it I thought as I prepared myself for the long walk back to the E train by cuing up Bob Dylan’s Blood on the Tracks album. It’s the only thing I was listening to at the time. Still is.

Unrequited Tinder Love the Third

It’s time again to haul through the archives of my ever popular Tinder profile for the next installment of unrequited Tinder Love. These are the messages I sent out that were meet with the ever popular silent “go fuck yourself” response. So enjoy my “romantic mishaps” while I pretend my eyes are red because there are things in them.

Tinder 1

Message: Berets berets berets!! Merci!

Analysis:  I have no idea what I was expecting to get out of this one. Your guess is as good as mine.

Tinder 2

Message: Finally another native new yorker. Were endangered animaks I tell ya#

Analysis: Nothing says I’m interested in getting to know you like a first message with numerous typos and replacing an exclamation mark with a hashtag sign. Talk about the right way to lose a soulmate!

Tinder 3

Message: We must have seen each other a million times in stony lol

Analysis: I got too comfortable too quickly in my messaging by saying Stony instead of Stony Brook University. I should have retained a respectful distance. A learning experience indeed.

Tinder 4

Message: That looks like a festive holiday! Lol

Analysis: But then again I’ve been wrong before.

Tinder 5

Message: Sounds like someone has a Halloween costume picked out!

Analysis: Never, ever assume anything about anyone especially something as personal and delicate as a potential Halloween costume. I cringe as I reread this exchange.

Tinder 6

Message: Bojack horseman and chill?

Analysis: I swear it has something to do with her bio. Please believe me.

Tinder 7

Message: Its always nice to find a free range and gmo free booty. Thanks for doing your part.

Analysis: Monsanto must have gotten to her. It’s the only reason she didn’t reply to this witty and hilarious first contact. Another romance ruined by an evil corporation. Where’s Bernie Sanders when you need him.

Tinder 8

Message: Lady di. Never forget!

Analysis: It’s never not inappropriate to honor the people’s princess. I will not apologize for my pithy memorial.

Tinder 9

Message: A dog and a birthday cake?? Tinder kryptonite I tell ya!

Analysis: Making a Superman reference post Batman vs. Superman: The Dawn of Justice is just a bad idea. Pick up the cinematic slack DC Universe, some of us are trying to get laid here!

Tinder 10

Message: Lets get all you can eat sushi!!

Analysis: Nothing says romance like eating sushi until your eyes roll to the back of your head and you pass out on top of 15 spicy tuna rolls. She was wise to decline the offer.

As always in the words of the latest Nobel Prize Laureute in Literature: there's no success like failure and failure's no success at all!

Reasons to be Exited for 2017

2016 will famously go down as the worst year in memory since 2015 because being sad is fun, addicting, and contagious. But this was an especially rough year on both macro and micro levels. Our idols died, our country was taken over by the worst of the worst, and I still can’t get a decent goddamn haircut. Horrors indeed. But to quote one of my favorite Simpson’s episodes – we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom (well maybe not the last part anymore). So in that spirit let’s see the potential positives for the next year:

Are You the One season 5 will premiere on January 11^th and the people look even hotter than ever! I for one am ready for another ten weeks of nonstop fucking, fighting, crying, drinking, and more fucking. I’m so excited that I have forgiven the producers for failing to cast me for the 4^th consecutive season. It’s a hurt that can only last for so long.

Another Star Wars movie and this one looks like it’ll have a good chance of Luke Skywalker saying a line of dialogue or two. That’s enough to have me start my theater camp out right now.

Being able to experience the grandeur of the first unicorn since biblical times in the form of Kristaps Porzingis. Long may he gallop!

As we continue the slow painful process known as “aging”, we can all enjoy becoming that much more out of the cultural zeitgeist and enjoy criticizing all the new and exciting shit that seems scary and stupid because back when I was a younger lad…

Seeing how many times websites like the Huffington Post will claim John Oliver, Samantha Bee, Trevor Noah, Seth Meyers, or Stephen Colbert have DESTORYED or MURDERED IN CLOOD BLOOD a particular issue. You know like the way they totally destroyed the Trump campaign. Let the out-hyperbolizing begin.

Thanks to the efforts of President Donald Trump the War on Christmas will be won and no longer will Christians have to cower and hide during the month of December. At last a win for the gentiles.

We will finally get to see how strong our Constitution is when it comes into direct competition with our first overtly fascist leader.

Appreciating that one movie you see that isn’t a sequel, reboot, prequel, or involve superheroes.

Enjoying the paradox of being both caught up and multiple seasons behind on all of your favorite shows.

Groucho Marx continuing to be hilarious. Nothing can change that.

The possibility that we all find our true loves while our enemies are smoted. It could happen! I know I say this every year but this one seems like the year. Call it a hunch that has never ever panned out.

Ahh 2017, it looks good already.

Bob Dylan's Desert Trip

What will Bob Dylan do on Desert Trip? Out of all the performers his set seems to be the one no one can get a read on. Most of the acts play their greatest hits and bring out guest stars but as always Bob Dylan is a different cat. I saw him on his Americanarama tour with an all-star opener of Wilco, Beck, and Sean Lennon and he didn’t play with any of them when his turn came along. Hell he didn’t play when he toured with Mavis Staples and he tried to marry her back in the day (she did say they talked all the time which is a nice change of pace from the other stories I’ve read of late). Will he stick with the set (his modern tracks mixed with Sinatra covers and only a couple of songs pre 1997) or will he pull a Rome 2013 and decide to play all his classics? The man is a mystery wrapped in a riddle and will probably have the most divisive set amongst concert goers. I’d say since around 2012/2013 the critics have mostly lauded his live shows but I’ve seen plenty of people walking out or even complaining about his voice (shocker) or his setlist. I always tell people that you have to be prepared if you choose to see the Minnesota Bard live. He’s not going to play the songs like they sounded on the album and to top that off he probably won’t play your favorite. Now to the casual fan this sounds horrible but it’s really one of the most unique shows out there. Here’s a man reinventing his music and defeating the nostalgia that has gripped so many of his contemporaries and fans. He doesn’t care how you enjoyed the way a song sounded back in the day because it’s a relic of the past. That’s a static sound. When Dylan performs he’s discovering what’s relevant and meaningful about the song to him in the present. It’s sort of like watching an artist paint a picture in real time. He’s a true artist and I could go on and on, and I have, but usually people start walking out on me so I’ll cool it a tad with the worship.

So what will Dylan do? Will he play “Like a Rolling Stone” with the Stones? Jam on “Blowin in the Wind” with Neil Young? Or just come out do his vaudevillian dancing and croon out the classics? It’s going be fascinating either way and my sole hope is that he’s in good voice. He’s a competitive fellow and I doubt he’ll want to be the weak link in this pantheon of greats. If anything Dylan will be the most divisive but that’s to be expected. He’s Bob Dylan. When has he ever done anything but the things he wants to?

On Moving from Manhattan to Fucking Queens

This upcoming Wednesday represents a massive change for me and my family. We’ll be moving out of Manhattan to Forrest Hills. Now I’ve lived in Manhattan my whole life and pride myself on being a resident of this great borough, so the change is going to be a major one. Naturally we’re all pretty pissed about being the latest victims of gentrification and unaffordable rents but that’s what this city has become. When will it stop who knows, but you have to figure we’re going hit a breaking point soon. Well one can hope. So below I’ve written out my thoughts on this move.

I can finally check off gentrification on my bingo card of crappy New York experiences.

I get to yell at people who have told me for years that Austin Street is amazing. I mean come on people it’s three blocks of chain stores and decent restaurants. If it was in Manhattan it would be just another forgettable row of shopping. Let’s stop with the nonsense. When people talk up Austin Street I immediately go back to the scene in Blazing Saddles where Gene Wilder talks about “people of the land” (you know morons).

An unexpected bonus will be that for the first time in my life I’m not located in ground zero for a major terrorist attack. Instead of being instantly wiped out, Forrest Hills will be privy to enjoy the slow agonizing death that comes with nuclear fallout.

Being forced out of my lovely home will allow me to add to my favorite hobby: complaining and whining! Watch out Jesus there’s a new martyr in town!

If anything, this will speed up the process of me leaving home and getting my own place. Living at home with your parents in Manhattan is kind of shameful but I can rationalize it by pointing out that I’m in the greatest place in the world. Living at home with your parents in Queens turns me into an even less successful George Costanza.

I’ve really enjoyed the fake pity people give me when I say I’m moving out of Manhattan. If I can keep that pity going for let’s say a good six months, maybe something good will have come out of this whole ordeal.

It’s very interesting asking people what they think about Forrest Hills. Most people say it’s nice but that’s all. What is nice really? To me it’s the vaguest of compliments; a thing to say when a positive descriptor is needed and nothing else springs to mind. That’s why nobody ever wants to date the nice guy. The nice guy is boring and bland but on the upside they’re not unpleasant to be around. Nice is like a faintly pleasant aroma. So yes Forrest Hills is nice, but what else is it? Manhattan is dirty, overpriced, and gentrified, but it’s also thrilling, challenging, and endlessly fascinating. I can’t say anything else about Forrest Hills so far other than it’s nice. But then again I haven’t lived there so what do I know. Prove me wrong.

I'm going to miss...
saying I live a block away from Bellevue Mental Hospital. You know where Walt Whitman and Sid Vicious stayed and where they treated the Ebola guy.
Being amazed at how I live within 15 minutes walking distance of the Empire State Building and Union Square. Not everybody gets to live in the heart of one of the world's great cities. I guess I'm lucky I was able to do so for over 20 years.
Walking everywhere I ever need to go to
Leaving in my house and being in the middle of a never-ending web of massive skyscrapers and ratty old tenement houses.
The magic that is Fairway.
Passing the house my Nana used to live in on a daily basis.
Gladly reassuring people that some middle class New Yorkers do live in Manhattan
That instant connection when you meet another native or lifelong Manhattanite. We're becoming fewer and fewer.
Never quite understanding how I can hear people yelling and Mr. Softee's siren call very clearly despite being 10 stories up.



It's going to be a transition and but what can ya do. I like to take solace in the fact that I'll always be a snobby (and as of this post, melodramatic) Manhattan kid no matter where I end up living. So in conclusion, fuck Manhattan for kicking us out. But fuck Queens more because it ain't Manhattan.