Overcoming Writer's Block (or Something about a Date)

A week ago or something to that effect I wrote a story about a failed romantic encounter. Much to my amusement and chagrin it became quite popular. It’s a weird feeling when someone greats you as Mr. 3.5, but hey at least that means they read your stuff. I did enjoy telling the story so I thought why not go down that well again and reminisce about another escapade of my romantic days. But perhaps this time I’d switch it up. Instead of telling a tale of me falling, falling, falling, I’d relay a story of triumph. This time I thought it’s time to weave a yarn of a positive romantic story to prove to the my faithful following and to my myself (but mainly my faithful following) that I am not necessarily the Woody Allen/ Larry David/ Harry Potter looking character I seem to portray. A good idea I thought until I hit a major problem. I could not find the words to tell what’s true.

Simply put I got a case of the old writer’s block. I got through several opening paragraphs of this, at least to me, delightful story but I just couldn’t commit to a version that I liked. Different problems with my method would occur but always at the same spot and it was a very early spot in the story. I couldn’t get passed meeting her after work. I would play with a long vague introduction of the past and segue into my feelings at the present but that would just abruptly end once I typed, “I put my guide book away and we walked through Bryant Park.” Other times I would start trying to ape what I did for the 3.5 story but that style was different. That story had an immediacy to it that I couldn’t nor should want to replicate. The Clash once sang that lightning strikes not once but twice (off their Sandinista album) but I’m not the Clash and the bolt was long gone. Why couldn’t I do this? Why couldn’t I write about a particularly fun date I had?

It’s not like the date was boring or ordinary; it had some great twists and turns and I had certain parts mapped out but I couldn’t fully connect the pieces. What was preventing me from putting this down the way it needed to be written? Maybe the story was too personal but then again when has that stopped me from ever sharing anything. Case in point a respected colleague of mine dubbed me “no-filter Thompson”. As nicknames goes it’s weak in the rhyming or alliterative department but it more than pulls its weight in the field of accuracy. There must be something to it because it’s stuck to the point where I on occasion try to live up to that lofty title. I don’t mind it, in fact I find it quite disarming. My theory is if I open up and am completely honest you’ll have no problem doing the same and we can start connecting as people. Also I just don’t care. Usually I’m trying to amuse myself by sharing my “hilarious” stories with others. It’s how I please the narcissist in me.

But getting back to the point, why couldn’t I write this story where things ended up very good. Why was this particular dating anecdote giving me so much trouble? My stories of failure or strangeness had poured out but for some reason nothing was flowing when I tried to accentuate the positive. Am I just a negative person? Was it really that simply? Had I grown so accustomed to living out a self-proclaimed “bizarre” life that when something “bizarre and great” happens I don’t know how to process it? Jesus, if that was the honest truth that would be fucking depressing, but I don’t really think so. It had to be something else cause I’m not necessarily a negative person but more the type who embraces their emotions a little too fully. Probably a little too much if you ask certain friends and colleagues of mine but hey someone once told me that kind of living was cathartic. Actually that person was me but that’s a topic for another self-indulgent blog post.

In the end I think it had to do with how much that day and date meant to me. A popular thing to do towards the end of 2016 was to discuss how we all survived an abnormally poor year. But I was talking to some people and we decided to flip the script and talk about what we enjoyed most about 2016. I thought about some great moments I had over the year, but I kept circling back to that date with her. It was a night where everything got better and better and every time I replayed the past I kept remembering different details that would make me smile. Moments would flash by and my glasses became rosy red and the nostalgia would reach its full effect. I would think back to us sitting on a bench overlooking the 59^th Street Bridge like we were shooting a remake of the famous scene from Manhattan. Of course the only difference was that there were a bunch of bums near us and one of them was so kind as to offer us a piece of his dinner which we both foolishly accepted, but in retrospect (and several doctor appointments later) turned out to be a strange highlight of the evening. Or later when she grabbed my cheeks and said “ahh I love this face” and I thought it was one of the greatest things I had ever heard. Or towards the beginning of the evening when we ate oysters in a way that would make Tom Jones proud. Maybe it was the heavy nostalgia shading my eyes, and it most likely was, but that was probably my favorite moment of last year. It wasn’t simply how well the date went, but who it was with and the timing of it all. It was something I had wanted for a long while and it was all happening and I didn’t want it to end.

Which brings me back to my main point of why I couldn’t write about this particular evening of mine and that was because it would never come out the way it deserved to be told. There would always be something incomplete and left to linger on in the streets of Manhattan. And that’s fine, maybe it’s better than me going into my no-filter Thompson mode. It was my favorite time of last year and there is no way I can express that in lines. It was one of those moments you look back on and can’t help but be glad that it happened and that you were lucky to be involved. Now of course it would have been simpler to state this now obvious reason a few paragraphs ago but sometimes self-indulgence at 4 in the morning can be a good and incredibly cathartic thing. Perhaps it’s just the narcissist in me.  

Golden Globes Recap

Thoughts on this year’s Golden Globes:

Why doesn’t Kristen Wiig host the Golden Globes? I think she’s the only comedian who routinely never booms on award shows and is hilarious with every comedian she’s paired with. Her bit with Steve Carrell was easily the comedic highlight of the night (don’t dismiss this as faint praise due to the lameness of the host) and reminded people to YouTube every other bit she’s ever done on an award show. Now naturally the question arises of whether she can sustain this hilarity for the thankless role of host or do these segments float because they break up the monotony of this intolerable circle jerk? I’m willing to bet on the first theory and I hope she gets a major hosting gig soon.

Meryl Streep gave the speech of the New Year but my favorite part was the predictable right wing criticism that accompanied it. The only shocker was that Trump didn’t finish his “Meryl is overrated” tweet by ending it with “sad”. That seems to be his preferred sentence finisher. Then came the conservative chorus of Hollywood being elitist and out of touch with the middle of the America and this time that claim ran even more hollow than usual. How are you going to say that the guy born to incredible wealth and lives in a golden penthouse is somehow not an out of touch snobby elitist? He has a star on the Walk of Fame and has spent his life trying to get has far away from the middle class and poor as possible by building those giant eye sores for the rich and well to do around my fair city (and the world). When has Donald Trump done anything for anybody outside of himself or those who could further his position and his place? I’ll give you a hint: never! So stop pretending that Donald Trump isn’t a part of this Hollywood elitist culture, I mean his brand is based on being the national embodiment of the rich New York City asshole. So let’s cut it out with this whole Donald Trump is a man of the people routine.  

Kudos on the cameramen for focusing in on noted Hollywood conservatives Mel Gibson and Vince Vaughn during Meryl Streep’s incredibly passionate and liberal speech. Those reaction shots were all worth it.

We get it Tom Hiddleston, you’re a good person and you do god’s work. Again good work on the cameramen for finding the few reaction shots of people who didn’t roll their eyes all the way to the back of their skulls.

Jimmy Fallon’s monologue was kind of funny, but then again you let Trump of the hook and tussled his hair, so mixed feelings I guess?

I actually think the Golden Globes does it right in terms of having separate categories for comedies and dramas. Why we have this idea that comedy is inferior to the frowny face mask is beyond me. So good on that. Now if they would start nominating better movies…

Why were the people behind La La Land talking about their movie like it was the ultimate outsider movie? Tell me again how Hollywood was against a movie that has been described as a love letter to Los Angeles and its musical past? I fail to see how anybody in Los Angeles would want to make that kind of film especially when it stars two of the most attractive and bankable stars on the planet and directed by the guy (from Harvard) whose last film won a ton of awards. What a bunch of wide eyed dreamers!

Donald Glover and Atlanta continued the new show wins many awards streak that Lena Dunham and Girls started (which was continued by Andy Samberg and Brooklyn 99). And in keeping with this grand Golden Globes tradition look for it to somehow never win another award no matter how good the show remains.

And finally, Brad Pitt is still really hot and beloved by his Hollywood peers. That is how you win a breakup despite losing custody of your children. Well played Mr. Pitt.

How to Pick the Right Dating App

Join these dating apps/websites if:

Bumble

If you enjoy swiping on the hottest, most beautiful people in the world while in no way expecting a match.

(Guy) It’s fun to know that women also suck at sending out messages.

(Girl) The thrill that comes with not receiving a sexist comment until the third message. Truly the enlightened casual dating app.

Tinder

If you enjoy basking in the intense judgement of others that comes after you say “so I met them on Tinder”.

Enjoying never knowing if you two are dating, quasi-dating, seeing each other, friends with benefits, or just you know hanging out and stuff, super casual.

You want to get really close to somebody, like spend every minute of every day with them only to have them never reply to any of your texts or calls out of the blue. Act now, the joys of ghosting can be yours!

JSwipe

You could always have your self-esteem significantly lowered.

Your hero is Norman Bates.

You’ve read all of Phillip Roth’s novels and thought that’s the guy for me.

Christian Mingle

You’re trying to find somebody who also thinks that screaming at women outside of a Planned Parenthood constitutes the perfect first date.

For the kinky Christian – it’s always a threesome because no matter who you date, you always date with our lord and savior, Jesus Christ.

Their “dating algorithm” is the only type of science you’re willing to believe in.

OkCupid

You like answering a million personality questions that will ultimately be ignored based on how hot you are.

(Girl): You enjoy being bombarded with countless messages and threats if god forbid you don’t reply within 30 seconds of receiving another shitty “sup” greeting.

Finding out how much of a mortal enemy you are with a stranger because you both had different answers to the question of which “shitty early thousands emo band are you?”

Match

Commercials always tell the truth and never exaggerate or lie!

Your life is passing you by very quickly and it’s about time you dragged somebody down with you.

Dating should be neither fun nor interesting at all.

eHarmony

You’re secretly super Christian (do a quick search I’m not joking about this one…the founder’s a goddamn crazy Christian).

Christian Mingle is for harlots and heretics. Give us something even more Christian (again look this shit up)!

You’re trying to go straight from being single and unhappy to being married and unhappy.

A 3.5 out of 10

I was sinking fast and needed a way out. A week ago things had gone from good to bad and I thought it was time to start rebounding. The problem with that theory was that I chose to look backwards rather than forwards. I opened the rolodex and thought of someone I had liked but knew would never be more than a like. It seemed like the perfect temporary solution. We had fun back in the day and ended on decent enough terms – a mutual ghosting of conversation and meetings. Nothing was sour at all. It just ended. But I was feeling low and I had this feeling that if I came a calling she would respond. It took an hour after the initial lame entry text, but after receiving the always ominous “who is this” reply, we settled into some pleasantries before deciding to meet up the next day. I had it. The road was paved and all I had to do was show up before the rebounding would commence in earnest.

We decided to meet around Union Square which was pretty dumb considering that I would have to search for her in the midst of a winding holiday market, but she’s a fan of simplicity and minimalism so I found her quickly at the edge bundled up and smiling. Just like that we started downtown, talking and catching up. We made sure to hit on all the major points – Halloween, the election, Thanksgiving, her birthday, and so on and so forth. I was even able to sneak in some remininsces as we passed by Washington Square Park. The night was going as well as it could be and I decided to crank up the nostalgia factor by taking her back to Pianos, which is for some reason is my go to date place. Why I go there is a mystery. The place is always jammed packed, the upstairs has a cover, the drinks are pricey and small, and the entry hand marker takes at least two days to wash away. But for some reason I am a loyal customer. Go figure. Anyway we head over and start downing some drinks. The conversation is going fairly well, we’re laughing and joking at what seems to be an even pace. I’m my usual “charming” self and she’s the same. I like what’s happening. We’re a few drinks in when for some reason we start talking about dates and such and she mentions she likes to rate guys and how her friends think it’s weird. I say not at all we all judged people, I mean we met on Bumble. She laughed and agreed. I playfully asked what my ranking was and she told me I was a 3.5 and that it wasn’t out of five.

A 3.5 out of a whole ten. So specific and so low like Jesus what was happening. She was surprised I didn’t agree with her assessment of the night. I said you’ve been laughing at everything I’ve been saying. Apparently I was wrong on that front. She had been laughing at her reaction to my jokes and stories. Nobody has been able to tell me what that means. I couldn’t get over that. A 3.5, talk about an ego blow. The only thing worse was a half hearted attempt at consoling me with the revelation that I started at a mediocre 6. I must have been on some sort of roll to take a 2.5 point drop on her scale of gentlemanly likability in a matter of an hour and a half. She said I was a lot higher back in the day but what I had perceived as a mutual ghosting had in actuality dropped me way, way down. That’s fair I thought, but you also never called me back. I contended it was mutual and she agreed but that I still had to pay in the rankings.

I think we talked for longer, but I don’t really know what about. That ranking had engulfed and consumed me. This was supposed to be a slam dunk and here I was back in the rain. We left and got something to eat and then for some reason I went back to her place for reasons a friend of mine describes as solely masochist. I get on top of her bed and lay down while she sits on the other end. I make a lame pass that gets quickly shut down as I think to myself is it really worth it. So we’re talking about something and she asks about my reasons for hitting her up. I start to lie but she knows I’m lying. She calls me out on it really quick and she’s right to do so. Why would I lie to the person who said I was a 3.5 to my face? She was brutally honest with me so I suppose it’s my turn to repay the favor. I tell her about a hurt I had suffered recently and how I was trying to rebound. We had gone on a few fun dates before which always ended with the bonus of hooking up or fucking so I wanted to take a trip down memory lane and I needed to feel good about something. She told me that moved me up to a 4.5 but that was my peak. You know, just what everyone wants to hear after pouring out the pain bottled deep inside. She knew what the deal was when I made a joke earlier about being depressed. She said it sounded more believable than the previous times I had thrown out that old chestnut. I talked for probably twenty minutes about what was bothering me and it felt weird but refreshing to talk so openly to someone I knew I was never going to see again. I talked, she listened and told me things I can’t remember and then we segued into talking about her last sexual experience. We chatted and like that it got late.

I mentioned I was ready to leave and she said I could stay if I wanted. We’re we going to do anything I asked and she said no. I’d sleep on one side and she’s take the other of her king sized bed. What’s the point I said and she asked if I thought that just because I got her a drink meant that I was entitled to sleep with her. Of course not I said, that doesn’t mean anything. Plus you bought the second round so that excuse was invalid. I asked when she knew she didn’t want to sleep with me and she told me it was decided when she agreed to meet. So that was another in a series of fun revelations. That seemed like the perfect time to leave so I got my shoes and walked outside into the lower east side. Well that backfired tremendously and I guess I deserved it I thought as I prepared myself for the long walk back to the E train by cuing up Bob Dylan’s Blood on the Tracks album. It’s the only thing I was listening to at the time. Still is.

Unrequited Tinder Love the Third

It’s time again to haul through the archives of my ever popular Tinder profile for the next installment of unrequited Tinder Love. These are the messages I sent out that were meet with the ever popular silent “go fuck yourself” response. So enjoy my “romantic mishaps” while I pretend my eyes are red because there are things in them.

Tinder 1

Message: Berets berets berets!! Merci!

Analysis:  I have no idea what I was expecting to get out of this one. Your guess is as good as mine.

Tinder 2

Message: Finally another native new yorker. Were endangered animaks I tell ya#

Analysis: Nothing says I’m interested in getting to know you like a first message with numerous typos and replacing an exclamation mark with a hashtag sign. Talk about the right way to lose a soulmate!

Tinder 3

Message: We must have seen each other a million times in stony lol

Analysis: I got too comfortable too quickly in my messaging by saying Stony instead of Stony Brook University. I should have retained a respectful distance. A learning experience indeed.

Tinder 4

Message: That looks like a festive holiday! Lol

Analysis: But then again I’ve been wrong before.

Tinder 5

Message: Sounds like someone has a Halloween costume picked out!

Analysis: Never, ever assume anything about anyone especially something as personal and delicate as a potential Halloween costume. I cringe as I reread this exchange.

Tinder 6

Message: Bojack horseman and chill?

Analysis: I swear it has something to do with her bio. Please believe me.

Tinder 7

Message: Its always nice to find a free range and gmo free booty. Thanks for doing your part.

Analysis: Monsanto must have gotten to her. It’s the only reason she didn’t reply to this witty and hilarious first contact. Another romance ruined by an evil corporation. Where’s Bernie Sanders when you need him.

Tinder 8

Message: Lady di. Never forget!

Analysis: It’s never not inappropriate to honor the people’s princess. I will not apologize for my pithy memorial.

Tinder 9

Message: A dog and a birthday cake?? Tinder kryptonite I tell ya!

Analysis: Making a Superman reference post Batman vs. Superman: The Dawn of Justice is just a bad idea. Pick up the cinematic slack DC Universe, some of us are trying to get laid here!

Tinder 10

Message: Lets get all you can eat sushi!!

Analysis: Nothing says romance like eating sushi until your eyes roll to the back of your head and you pass out on top of 15 spicy tuna rolls. She was wise to decline the offer.

As always in the words of the latest Nobel Prize Laureute in Literature: there's no success like failure and failure's no success at all!

Reasons to be Exited for 2017

2016 will famously go down as the worst year in memory since 2015 because being sad is fun, addicting, and contagious. But this was an especially rough year on both macro and micro levels. Our idols died, our country was taken over by the worst of the worst, and I still can’t get a decent goddamn haircut. Horrors indeed. But to quote one of my favorite Simpson’s episodes – we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom (well maybe not the last part anymore). So in that spirit let’s see the potential positives for the next year:

Are You the One season 5 will premiere on January 11^th and the people look even hotter than ever! I for one am ready for another ten weeks of nonstop fucking, fighting, crying, drinking, and more fucking. I’m so excited that I have forgiven the producers for failing to cast me for the 4^th consecutive season. It’s a hurt that can only last for so long.

Another Star Wars movie and this one looks like it’ll have a good chance of Luke Skywalker saying a line of dialogue or two. That’s enough to have me start my theater camp out right now.

Being able to experience the grandeur of the first unicorn since biblical times in the form of Kristaps Porzingis. Long may he gallop!

As we continue the slow painful process known as “aging”, we can all enjoy becoming that much more out of the cultural zeitgeist and enjoy criticizing all the new and exciting shit that seems scary and stupid because back when I was a younger lad…

Seeing how many times websites like the Huffington Post will claim John Oliver, Samantha Bee, Trevor Noah, Seth Meyers, or Stephen Colbert have DESTORYED or MURDERED IN CLOOD BLOOD a particular issue. You know like the way they totally destroyed the Trump campaign. Let the out-hyperbolizing begin.

Thanks to the efforts of President Donald Trump the War on Christmas will be won and no longer will Christians have to cower and hide during the month of December. At last a win for the gentiles.

We will finally get to see how strong our Constitution is when it comes into direct competition with our first overtly fascist leader.

Appreciating that one movie you see that isn’t a sequel, reboot, prequel, or involve superheroes.

Enjoying the paradox of being both caught up and multiple seasons behind on all of your favorite shows.

Groucho Marx continuing to be hilarious. Nothing can change that.

The possibility that we all find our true loves while our enemies are smoted. It could happen! I know I say this every year but this one seems like the year. Call it a hunch that has never ever panned out.

Ahh 2017, it looks good already.

Bob Dylan's Desert Trip

What will Bob Dylan do on Desert Trip? Out of all the performers his set seems to be the one no one can get a read on. Most of the acts play their greatest hits and bring out guest stars but as always Bob Dylan is a different cat. I saw him on his Americanarama tour with an all-star opener of Wilco, Beck, and Sean Lennon and he didn’t play with any of them when his turn came along. Hell he didn’t play when he toured with Mavis Staples and he tried to marry her back in the day (she did say they talked all the time which is a nice change of pace from the other stories I’ve read of late). Will he stick with the set (his modern tracks mixed with Sinatra covers and only a couple of songs pre 1997) or will he pull a Rome 2013 and decide to play all his classics? The man is a mystery wrapped in a riddle and will probably have the most divisive set amongst concert goers. I’d say since around 2012/2013 the critics have mostly lauded his live shows but I’ve seen plenty of people walking out or even complaining about his voice (shocker) or his setlist. I always tell people that you have to be prepared if you choose to see the Minnesota Bard live. He’s not going to play the songs like they sounded on the album and to top that off he probably won’t play your favorite. Now to the casual fan this sounds horrible but it’s really one of the most unique shows out there. Here’s a man reinventing his music and defeating the nostalgia that has gripped so many of his contemporaries and fans. He doesn’t care how you enjoyed the way a song sounded back in the day because it’s a relic of the past. That’s a static sound. When Dylan performs he’s discovering what’s relevant and meaningful about the song to him in the present. It’s sort of like watching an artist paint a picture in real time. He’s a true artist and I could go on and on, and I have, but usually people start walking out on me so I’ll cool it a tad with the worship.

So what will Dylan do? Will he play “Like a Rolling Stone” with the Stones? Jam on “Blowin in the Wind” with Neil Young? Or just come out do his vaudevillian dancing and croon out the classics? It’s going be fascinating either way and my sole hope is that he’s in good voice. He’s a competitive fellow and I doubt he’ll want to be the weak link in this pantheon of greats. If anything Dylan will be the most divisive but that’s to be expected. He’s Bob Dylan. When has he ever done anything but the things he wants to?