Western Conference Progress Report

NBA Western Conference Progress Report:

Yesterday I examined the Eastern Conference in all its horrific glory.  Now let’s turn our attention to its far more successful and good looking brother to the west: The Western Conference.  A disclaimer: I am a Knicks fan, so any bias will be filtered through that lens.

San Antonio Spurs – Same as it ever was, same as it ever was.  It’s going to be a strange day when playing the Spurs is seen as a gimme.  But for now, this machine keeps on kicking everybody’s ass without mercy.  One day they will feel the burn.  One day.

Portland Trail Blazers – Where did this come from?  I like to think that Sideshow Bob/ Robin Lopez is the cause.  I’m a dreamer that way.

Oklahoma City Thunder – A great team, but it feels like they should be better now that Russell Westbrook is back.  But alas, they’ll just have to be content with being an excellent team in a tough conference.  The poor bastards.     

Los Angeles Clippers – I am pleased to note I haven’t seen a Cliff Paul commercial in a long while and the Blake Griffin commercials are still kind of funny.  That's progress, I guess.  For the non-commercial making players on the team, keep it going?

Houston Rockets –   I suppose it’s a good thing when the biggest problem on the team is that Omer Asik wants out.  Otherwise, they seem poised to be the team every opposing fan base loves to beat (other than the Heat). 

Golden State Warriors - Looks like Steph Curry is up next on the inevitable superstar injury list.  Prove me wrong Curry.  Prove me wrong (or do what you want, we live in a supposedly “free” country).

Dallas Mavericks – Who ever thought that Monta Ellis and Dirk Nowitzki would be an unstoppable pairing and have the Mavericks playing good ball.  Just when you thought Mark Cuban’s head couldn’t get any larger…

Denver Nuggets – Despite losing Benedict Iguodala to the Warriors, they have rebounded nicely, playing above 500 ball.  I’d say the biggest disappointment of the season is that Javale McGee and Nate Robinson haven’t done anything stupid/hilarious.   

Minnesota Timberwolves – the 9^th best team in the West would have been fighting for 3^rd  spot in the East.  Geography taketh, geography giveth away.  The longer they stay out of a playoff spot, the faster that Kevin Love is leaving countdown clock ticks.

Memphis Grizzlies – Ha, take that sabermetrics!  The one case of the Grizzlies being mediocre is all I need to tell me that all those careful calculations are wrong.

Phoenix Suns – Isn’t this a pleasant surprise!  A 500 record never felt so good.  Enjoy it before the inevitable plunge occurs and the Suns are sucked into a blackness known as tanking.

Los Angeles Lakers – Kobe still leads the league in Bleacher Report updates received on my phone.  Every fucking thing he does I get an update.  Otherwise, I thought the Lakers were just going to sit out the beginning of the season until Kobe came back. 

New Orleans Pelicans – The unibrow and his surrounding teammates have formed an interesting and beatable team.  They should be proud for being that team this year. 

Utah Jazz – Your team is so bad that if they moved to the Eastern Conference they would still be a very bad basketball team.  Snap.  The basketball they play is more free form.  As in free form-ly bad.  Just ugly. 

NBA Eastern Conference Progress Report:

NBA Eastern Conference Progress Report:

 

The NBA season has been chugging along now for a month and it’s already been a fascinating year for both good and bad reasons.  Here is a quick progress report on how each team in the Eastern Conference is doing through the biased lens of a Knicks fan:

Pacers – They are just making it all the more depressing for their loyal fans when they lose to the Heat in the conference finals.  But for right now, way to make those Hoosiers proud!   

  

Miami Heat – Let the peasants have their petty, November wins.  As far as the Heat is concerned, this is preseason basketball until they lose their first game in the playoffs.  Then the season has started.

Atlanta Hawks – No matter who suits up for the Hawks, this team is always consistently a little better than average.  If you replaced all the players on the Hawks with their life sized cutout, they’d still post a 45 win season and lose a 6 game series in the first round.  It’s getting a bit creepy.

Toronto Raptors – The wins seem right, but the high seeding?  These Raptors are hoping that they never wake from this glorious dream. 

Charlotte Bobcats – Al Jefferson means that this team will wait 6 more games before the bottom falls out and they go on another historic streak of futility.  Then bring on the return of MJ for a game! 

Chicago Bulls – Lyrics every Chicagoan is singing to Derrick Rose at the moment: “Why do you build me up, Buttercup, baby just to bring me down…” For now, let’s just enjoy watching the Bulls play some of the grittiest, ugliest, goddamn basketball in the league.    

Detroit Pistons – In the West with this record, this team would be looking towards next year.  In the East, they are fighting for home-court in the first round.  Another win for geography!

Philadelphia 76ers – They may have 3-5 games left in them before every decent player suddenly succumbs to a season ending affliction known as tankitis.    

Washington Wizards – I have no idea about this team.  They just seem to be there hanging round, loitering like a bunch of hoodlums.  This neighborhood’s going straight to the gutter.  The gutter, I tell ya!

Boston Celtics – They are savoring every moment they are better than the Knicks and the Brooklyn Celtics/Nets.  This may be the happiest 6-10 in the league. 

Orlando Magic – Have settled into their identity of being a bad team.  It fits them well.  Almost too well...

Cleveland Cavaliers – They still suck and seem content on sucking.  What gives?  And where’s that swashbuckling attitude that I associate with cavaliers?  Another way Dan Gilbert is killing this franchise.  

New York Knicks – Terrible, just terrible.  I haven’t contorted my face in such utter disgust in a long while.  They’re not even competitive in half these games.  The fan base is just waiting for James Dolan to make this catastrophic season worse.

Brooklyn Nets – BROOOOOOKLYN!  BROOOOKLYN!  As a Knicks fan I love it, but as an unbiased basketball fan I love it as well.  Brooklyn seems well on its way to becoming an even worse version of last year’s Lakers.

Milwaukee Bucks – They are 2 and 11 and yet only 3.5 games out of the 8^th seed.  If this team was in the West, they would have been disbanded and sold for spare parts.  Milwaukee lives to play another game and lose it!

Idea for a Movie...

Idea for a movie:

A  Catholic Priest and an Orthodox Rabbi notice that their parishioners are declining in this modern atheistic age.  They decide to team up and engage in increasingly hilarious stunts to win back their fallen flocks.  This fails miserably, so they decide to switch their focus and start sleuthing unsolved biblical crimes.  This fails miserably, but they are picked up for a crime show called Peyes and the Padre that airs Wednesday at eight on TNT.  The show fails miserably and the Priest and the Rabbi are out of a job and begin to question their faith in god.  It’s been a trying year.  They both renounce their faiths and decide to lead a secular life since this religious on isn’t working so well.  Fast forward, 15 years later and both men are leading rich, successful, happy lives married to each other.  They look into the camera and say, “why didn’t we do this sooner!” before laughing, finishing their margaritas, and cannon-balling into a pool situated in a beautiful resort.  Cut to black.  The end.    

Idea for a Musical:

A Priest and a Rabbi notice that their parishioners are declining in this modern atheistic age.  They try to reach out to the young by performing their sermons in the style of popular musicals.  This leads to the Priest preaching and singing in the style of “Spring Awakening”, and the Rabbi preaching and singing in the style of “the Book of Mormon”.  Parishioners come back, but after two weeks of previews and four weeks of an extended limited engagement, they have grown bored with this gimmick and demand a new musical.  The Priest and the Rabbi team up and parody various musicals, each with better production values than the last.  The sermons are now waiting room only and the Priest and the Rabbi are both awarded their SAG cards.  They are nominated for 8 Tony awards, but come away empty handed, leading to a scene where they look up and curse their god.  They contend that they don’t need this anymore and they had the most fun when they were together just hanging out.  They smile and sing a joyous song about renouncing their faith (they are joined by the ensemble) and the play ends.  The end.

Idea for a Television Show:

A Priest and a Rabbi notice that their parishioners are declining in this modern atheistic age.  They decide to quit their jobs and work in an office filled with many quirky characters.  This may include the incompetent boss, the sexpot secretary, the sarcastic, jaded generation x member and her perky millennial assistant, and a loveable dog around the office called “rags”.  More people can join the office according to test screenings and viewer complaints to the network (maybe a hip-hop aficionado).  The Priest and the Rabbi start off as the square, weird, new guys but after a while they grow to love their cast of quirky workmates.  Romances may flourish between workmates (scandalous) and everybody grows and learns or learns and then grows.  Potential for a spinoff about “rags” getting elected sheriff of a small southern border town riff with crime is very possible.  The end. 

Anthropology Essay: Learn and Play Again!

Here is another anthropological essay from the crypt.  Enjoy!

If the musical “Fiddler on the Roof” has taught us anything other than what Tevye would do if he were a rich man, it has taught us that the sun rises and that it also sets.  What does this phrase have to do with anthropological theoretical approaches?  First off, slow down buster, the answers will come, but your eagerness is well noted and appreciated.  The answer is that theories have their day and rise like the majestic sun in the east, but then will set after they have been dissected and discredited by ravenous graduate students and other followers in their respective fields.  Two theories will be discussed in this essay, the first is still rising well into the noon day sun, while the second is on its way back down, hoping to rise again.  A theoretical approach that is most appealing is that of postmodern anthropology by way of James Fernandez.  A theoretical approach that is not appealing at all is that of the evolutionary approach by way of Henry Lewis Morgan.  These two approaches will be explained, have their strengths and weaknesses examined, and also why they both offer such a promising insight on cultural phenomena. We start with the theory of postmodern anthropology.  To start this exploration take the red pill, but only swallow as far down to see the first film, not the awful sequels.  Postmodern anthropological thought is concerned with how we view culture and that an immaculate truth about other cultures may not be obtained.  There is not one truth about a culture or society.  There could be multiple truths.  We only view the world through our own frame of reference and our own experiences (Moore p. 267-8).  Postmodern anthropological thought associates itself with a “total acceptance of the ephemerality, fragmentation, discontinuity, and the chaotic.” (Moore p.267).  The acceptance of chaos rules postmodern anthropological thought and a part of this theory is that postmodern theorists are never concerned with trying to break down or reduce chaos into one single meaning.  The goal in this theoretical model is to identify significant concepts that members in a society deem relevant (Moore p. 268). There are many reasons as to why this approach offers the most promising insight on cultural and social phenomena.  First off, it eliminates and critiques the bias and problems that the modernist school of anthropology has accumulated.  The modernist approach usually takes on a heavy pro-western and male dominated bias when dealing with other cultures.  It is just an extension of domination and doesn’t serve other cultures well.  They are being critiqued on how closely they resemble western society.  Postmodern theory takes into account what members of a society deem as relevant.  It is not the anthropologist who has the judging power, but the people in the culture themselves.  They get to deem what is important and crucial to their civilization, not the weird white man in the matching white suit with the ivory pen and that sinister look in his eyes.  By taking out the western and male bias, we can come to truer revelations of what a culture really is. Another strong point of postmodernist thought is the belief that there isn’t one sole truth to be found.  Multiple truths can exist in a society.  Societies aren’t all uniform and neatly formulated that they can be boiled down to one truth or essential fact.  Contradictions upon paradoxes upon illogicalities make up societies.  It just seems like pure chaos.  This is where postmodernism pulls the anti-Alex Rodriguez and hits a home run in a key situation.  Postmodern thought accepts chaos (but does Chaos accept me-Bob Dylan) and treats it like a friend.  The discontinuity that contradiction and paradox can bring is well understood in the postmodern school of thought.  It is never reduced or reversed.  The deep complexities and chaotic nature of modern life is understood and not questioned.  It is not something to pick apart, but rather to revel in.Unfortunately, postmodernism is not the end all of cultural approaches.  It has some problems like many of us (I'm looking at you Janet).  But the problems postmodernism faces aren’t that of a loveless marriage or crystal meth addiction.  It faces something almost as ennui inducing.  Postmodernism has a weakness with cultural relativism.  This idea that every culture is relative to each other and that nothing is better or more right than one another is not such a great idea.  You cannot just accept every cultural practice just because they make sense within that specific culture.  There have to be some universal truths.  If a society practiced slavery under cultural relativist practices, we as a global community would be helpless to stop it because we would have to respect their cultural norms.  We couldn’t stop slavery in that society because it would entail us making a critical judgment of another culture.  We would be saying that a culture is wrong and that they are failing to uphold a universal standard.  It is in this field that postmodernism suffers.  Other than that, it is the theoretical approach to go with.Where there is good in the world there must also be evil.  If that sounds a tad over dramatic, you are probably right (you’re always right, Janet).  Whereas postmodern thought is the most appealing theoretical approach, the evolutionary framework model leaves a lot to be desired.  Evolutionary anthropology follows the framework that progress happens on a single thread and that different cultures are just at different places on the evolutionary scale.  Progress is based on technological innovation and advancement (Moore p.23-24).  The discovery of fire or the invention of pottery predicates movement into a higher position on the evolutionary scale.  Culture has a singular progression and that civilizations that seem backwards or savage are just a bit behind on the flow chart of progress.  Or as Mr. T would put it if he were a cultural anthropologist, pity the civilization that has fallen behind on the scale of progress.  Hopefully, he would be a lot more eloquent in real life than how he is presented here.
This theoretical approach has many problems with it.  The first one is that it imparts a heavy western bias.  In the eyes of the evolutionary anthropologist, western culture is the most advanced civilization.  It supposes that every other culture is striving to become the west and that the west is closer to the ideal civilization than any other.  This is in the words of a squeamish 19^th century Victorian male, pure poppycock.  The west is far from perfect and the numerous wars and atrocities of the 20^th century proved that point.  This kind of pro-western bias makes it impossible to learn about a society without dominating it or subjecting it to the anthropologists own leanings.  They will constantly be comparing any non-western civilization to the west and they will only be interested in how it isn’t the west.  Instead of learning about the culture and civilization at hand, the evolutionary mindset focuses on how it is not the west.  The domination of the western lens towards other cultures doesn’t breed an understanding of the other culture.  It just seeks to extend the domination of the western gaze and ideology whether the anthropologist is doing it consciously or unconsciously.Another failing of the evolutionary approach is this whole idea about every culture and civilization being on the same singular path.  What’s the deal with that (and also airline food-it’s terrible.  Remember to tip your waitress!).  First of all, there is no evidence to be found that civilization progresses on one singular track.  That is some damning evidence against the evolutionary approach.  This theoretical approach completely ignores that cultures develop due to their context and environment.  The singular evolutionary path seems to discount environmental factors or the cultural context to which these civilizations grow from.  The theory suggests that cultures develop and exist in a vacuum and are not subject to outside stimuli.  Culture is something that is fluid and always changing.  There is not one set path for it to take.  It is always changing with the times.  Culture is made up of individual people with differing ideas.  How can such unique entities with such differing parts all be on the same road and in turn all be heading foe the same outcome?  It doesn’t make much sense.  A singular track approach invokes a strange sense of predetermination and inevitability that isn’t congruent with different cultures.  Civilizations are too different to be on the same road to ruin (line courtesy of the Ramones).After all this bashing of the evolutionary framework, there are still some positives about the theoretical approach.  This is the first real theoretical approach for anthropology, so of course it is going to have some errors.  These things take time to prefect.  It took Bob Dylan two albums to achieve greatness.  Also, this framework has a strong organizational side to it.  It was the first to organize data into a framework of cultural evolution rather than to treat cultural difference as ethnographic oddities (Moore p.27).  The real positive of this approach is that it is the framework for the whole field.  This would be the starting point for all the great thinkers in cultural anthropology.  What to do and what not to do in cultural anthropology is found in the evolutionary framework approach.In conclusion, there are many theories in cultural anthropology.  Some are good, some are not so good.  Then some are the evolutionary framework model.  Let’s leave that one to rest shall we.  The postmodern approach is the most appealing theoretical approach, while the evolutionary framework model is the least appealing.  This has something to do with the order in which they were conceived.  Soon though, postmodern thought will become quaint and silly and will be edged out by a new system of thought.  It will spend the rest of its’ days drinking in a lonely bar mumbling how it used to be something.  No one will hear it.  No one will care.  It will look out the bar window to see a new theory getting all the praise, while it reminisces about the time it was king.  Now it will understand sunrise and sunset.  The new theory will look into the bar and see the old drunk theory and quietly ponder the future of its’ fate.  Then it will go back to being king of Mardi Gras!Works CitedMoore, Jerry D. Visions of Culture: An Introduction to Anthropological Theories and Theorists. 4th ed. Walnut Creek, CA: AltaMira, 2012.

The End of Judaism: Hanukkah and Thanksgiving

In about a week, the new plot to destroy the Jewish community will unfold and there is nothing we can do to stop it.  No Jew will be able to survive this occasion fully intact and by the end of the year, most will be a fragment of the person they once were.  The occurrence I am describing happens as frequently as a complete reversal of the geomagnetic poles (please don’t fact check me on this one).  The Jewish community knows what I’m talking about, but for the percentage of the world’s population that is non-Jewish (99.8%), I’ll explain the upcoming near catastrophic event.  Thanksgiving and Hanukkah will overlap and some people will celebrate both holidays on the same day.

Now this may seem like a Neo-Nazi or Anti-Semitic doing, but so far my leads on those stories have gone nowhere.  I thought for a minute that maybe the Catholic Church had planned this as a final revenge for the whole Jesus thing, but this Pope actually seems to care about people outside his circle of Cardinals.  Keep that revolutionary spirit going, Pope Francis.  ThanksHannukkah just seems to be another way of our Judeo-Christian god proclaiming that we are the chosen people.  Our imaginary god likes to fuck with us.

Many may think that this is a hilarious and fun coincidence.  Latkes with turkey?  Sounds delightful.  Wrong.  Who actually like Thanksgiving apart from the days off from work, the sometimes decent food, and the choice sporting matchups.  Other than that, Thanksgiving is usually terrible.  First, let’s enjoy the genesis of this holiday.  Way to celebrate the one good moment the white man had with the Native Americans before they were ruthless slaughtered or smallpox blanketed to death.  Thanksgiving is a day that anybody who has colonial settler ancestors should pay heavy reparations or at least give a donation to a museum on Native American history.  Thanksgiving is filled with conversations with Republican relatives asking the normal slew of why don’t you have a girlfriend, why is your girlfriend here, why don’t you have a job, why aren’t you looking harder for a job, why did we elect a President from Kenya, why isn’t Ted Cruz president, why can’t you be like your cousin, and why are you crying.  Nothing says a fun, relaxed evening like listening to that cattle chorus of delicious sounds.  Only the quiet relief of tryptophan can ease the shouting and yelling as you drift face down into the mashed potatoes.  Always a delightful holiday!

At least Hanukkah has presents.  Otherwise its like Thanksgiving but on Hebrew crack.  Only a Jewish grandmother can reach deep down and effortlessly remind you of your many failures as a human being.  The Hanukkah dinner is where we let down our gentile guard and let our stereotypes run free.  The same questions asked at Thanksgiving get asked again, but in a whiner and more Brooklyn oriented tone.  Only the sweet feeling of receiving a present at the end of the night makes the evening tolerable.  The last act of Hanukkah is to add actual fire to the figurative powder keg, by lighting the candles.  Nothing says family togetherness than yelling at each other for not lighting a bunch of candles correctly.  Always a bundle of joy wrapped in a blanket of fun.

Naturally, it makes sense celebrate both on the same day.  Its convenience as hell and presents a great novelty.  In reality, it’ll be an arduous day and not even the thrill of eating latkes with sweet potato pie will be able to save the Jewish people.  We’ve survived by the skin of our teeth, but next Thursday may mark the end of our glorious run.  We’ll be doing the job of the Anti-Semites for them.  Oye Vey, the Thanksgiving yelling will be combined with the Hanukkah guilt.  The Thanksgiving Republicans will ask a million questions about why we don’t celebrate Christmas.  Thanksgiving relatives and Hanukkah relatives will stare at each other with utter disgust.  Most foul of all, Hanukkah will be spelled in 800 wrong variations.  In short, it will be terrible and towards the end I see mass murder suicides occurring all over areas of Jewish strongholds.  Proud neighborhoods in Long Island, Miami, Los Angeles, and Brooklyn will be wiped out.  An upside though is that the lines for Black Friday will be marginally thinner.

So I urge Jewish families to utilize the other 7 nights of Hanukkah.  I know it sounds stupid, but use night five as the holiday celebration.  It could work, why not.  Just resist the urge to celebrate the super holiday and we may just make it in time to celebrate our favorite holiday: Christmas.  

Bob Dylan Interactive Music Video

When I first heard about the new interactive video for “Like a Rolling Stone”, I had no idea what to think about it.  I had already seen the new Kanye video, so I knew that the video would at least one video worse than it (zing!).  I knew that one could switch channels, but other than that I had no clue what I was in for.  So lo and behold, I went over to bobdylan.com and turned on my video. Boy is it a trip.  It is also quite amazing and fun on an infinite number of levels.

Toggling through the 16 different channels of this video for the first time left my mouth agape.  The synchronization of reality shows, cooking shows, talk shows, Danny Brown, “The Price is Right”, and every other television program under the sun was hypnotic and eerie.  The combinations of words and images can hit like a brick wall and stop you right in the middle of the road.  Flipping to the cooking channel to watching the lady chef say “scrounging for your next meal” while preparing a dessert was an uncanny find.  Seeing Drew Carey yell “make a deal” to a contestant spinning the wheel on the “Price is Right” displayed how much fun this video is.

If anything, this video proves that Bob Dylan really enjoys the guys from “Pawn Stars” (second collaboration with them).  The touches of subversive humor catapult this video to another level.  Watch the channel with the news ticker or with the hashtags.  Every hashtag is incredibly sarcastic, and I personally enjoyed the one railing about people shooting black teens and the growing divide between the rich and the poor.  I could watch the ticker for the whole 6 minutes and 13 second length.  A personal highlight for me was flipping the channels and randomly seeing the lovely ladies from “Girl Code” appear.  That stopped me dead in my tracks and I stayed on that channel for a bit.  The video had worked its magic.  Like flipping the dials on a normal television set, I stopped for something I found interesting and then changed the channel once my interest had waned.  I forgot for a moment I was watching a music video and thought I was watching a promo for “Girl Code”, but with the sound turned off.  I guess Dylan is a fan. 

The attention to detail is amazing.  Every show retains the style and even some of the stars from the programs.  Marc Maron looks like he is having the time of his life asking a guest “how does it feel”.  Danny Brown’s channel is hilarious and the ending homage to Dylan is always appreciated.  It was a good touch to include a rap video in the mix to show how “Like a Rolling Stone” and Dylan has weaved their way through all areas of our culture.   The vintage video of Dylan is awesome, but it is better seen in its original form.  Watch that manic 1966 performance with the live vocals to see a genius possessed and at the top of his performing game.  The fire radiating from that performance with The Band can only be truly enjoyed with the original sound played fucking loud.

I watched the fashion channel all the way through, but I don’t recommend watching channels from start to finish (though in all honesty, I probably will eventually).  The lip syncing can be off or strained at times and the video loses much of its power.  Just keep flipping and enjoying.  Most of the time, the song is almost over before I’ve finished my flipping.  Dylan’s going on about pawning rings and I still have 5 channels to go!  Such is the magic of the video.  It never starts on the same channel twice and every viewing is unique.  Leave it to Dylan to present a groundbreaking song with an incredible, groundbreaking video.   

Derek Jeter Publishing Company

Derek Jeter has recently founded a publishing company.  Here are some of the books that have been sent in for consideration:

The CC Sabathia Guide to Healthy Eating:  Forward by David Wells  

Author: C.C. Sabathia

Derek Jeter: Why does everybody like him?  

Author: Alex Rodriguez

What Have I Done Wrong?  Seriously, Tell Me I’d Like to Know 

Author: Alex Rodriguez

Southern Comfort Running Through My Veins:  The Untold Story of Brett Gardner

Author: His Momma the Wind and His Daddy the Train

A Haunting in October: How Spirits From Beyond Changed the Outcome of the 2004 ALCS 

Author: Derek Jeter

Da Fuck Was That?: A Guide to Every Time the Umpires have Fucked over the Yankees written 

Author: The Bleacher Creatures

The Merry Girlfriends of Derek Jeter: 

Author: Derek Jeter and William Shakespeare

It’s a Sore Left Knee: A Helpful Guide of Media Friendly Injury Euphemisms 

Author: Knick's Medical Staff

Pipe Talk: The Collected Twitter Musings of J.R. Smith

Author: J.R. Smith

Mike Mussina: Literary Detective 

Author: Joe Buck

Gregg Popovich and the Art of the In Game Interview 

Author: Craig Sager

NERRRRDDDDDDDDSSSSSSSSSS:  An Unbiased Look at Sabermetrics

Author: Michael Kay

400 Bleacher Report Articles That Directly Contradict Each Other 

Author: ESPN.com

Kwame Brown? - The Stephen A. Smith Story

Author: Stephen A. Smith

Steroids: The Wrong Kind of Performance Enhancer

Author: The 1986 Mets

The Unauthorized Biography of JD & the Straight Shot 

Author: MSG Productions

I Will Cut You

Author: Mariano Rivera

I’m Going to Have Sex With your Girlfriend...Now 

Author: Derek Jeter

They're Gonna Pay Me What?: Great Contracts in Knick History

Author: Jerome James

Count Fillium Fitzgerald and his Fantrabulious Flying Contraption 

Author: Rasheed Wallace

Repairing Your Mark Teixeira-bot 

Author: Yankee Trainer Steve Donohue

We Didn't Start the Fire: An Oral History of Human Existance. Forward by Chuck Klosterman.  Boston Forward by Bill Simmons 

Author: Grantland

Musical Costumes I'd like to Wear

If I possessed infinite musical talent and an uncanny ability to change musical costumes, this is what I would like to do on a stage in front of a hopefully live audience:

Recreations:

Bob Dylan: 1966 – Mod clothing, hostile audiences, a fuck you attitude, and on top of everything the most freewheelin’ music of all time with killer harmonica.  Sounds like a good time.

Bob Dylan 1975 – Rolling Thunder Revue, rollicking adaptations, haunting acoustic songs, and a carnival atmosphere.  Playing “Isis” would be a trip.

Bob Dylan 1976 – Rolling Thunder Revue in a bitter, angry, punk tone.  It was a beautiful cathartic bitterness that has never been matched on any future Dylan tour.    

Bob Dylan 1980 – The songs may be one dimensional, but Preacher Bob is powerful stuff filled with conviction.  The 80 Gospel tour had some covers and songs never released on any album.  A tour filled with unparalleled conviction and fervor, with some great backing vocals and strange, born again ramblings.  Nothing says fun like yelling about “going down in the pit with Kiss”.

Bob Dylan 1988 – Dress like a bum and play old classics with a tight, three piece band:  sign me up.

Bob Dylan Present – Dressed on stage like a mix between a civil war general and a bluesman while dancing like an old vaudevillian playing a crazy harmonica while growling his way through old classics and new masterpieces, a Bob Dylan show in 2013 is a show unlike anything out there.  This is a true in the moment style of performance that I’d love to imitate. 

Lou Reed 1973 – Full glam rock mode (with the Frankenfurter make up) playing great songs.  Who could complain?

Lou Reed – Take No Prisoners – One of my favorite live albums of all time.  Lou plays the vulgar stand-up comedian, taking long riffs and monologues through his old favorites to expose whatever is on his mind at the time.  “Walk on the Wild Side” last almost 17 minutes and most of it is Lou calling Robert Christgau a toe fucker.  His monologues would be the best to perform in front of an unprepared audience.

Chuck Berry – Leg kick and roll.  Pure rock and roll. 

Rolling Stones 1972 – One of the most legendary tours of all time.  Who doesn’t want to do the rooster and sing some classic songs?

Sex Pistols – Punk music to angry crowds ready to kill you.  Can you say energy!

David Bowie 1976 – The Thin White Duke.  A perfectly dressed, detached alien who feigns love and feels nothing inside.  Plus Station to Station is a fantastic album.  A strange excursion for the master of reinvention.

Other:

Singing classic girl band songs with an all-women backing band.  The lead singer is a man who plays no instruments and just sings the songs.  An interesting gender studies ploy.

Playing a bloated, washed up pop star trying to win back his fans and wife.  A man on the edge of desperation, with his suit askew, playing his old standbys out of a new found power and conviction.  Somebody who has been down and out for so long and is fighting his way out of the abyss.  Nothing says thrilling like a comeback special. 

Perspective

Perspective can be everything.  Apparently the Phantom of the Opera has a major facial deformity that impedes on his progress with the ladies and has turned him into an insecure ghost of the theater.  When I went to see Phantom on Broadway, I was expecting to see a beast most foul and hideous.  I was waiting to see for myself why women of great sensitivity shrieked and men of great fortitude had fainted in the presence of this denizen of the Opera catacombs.  When I arrived at my seat for the evening’s performance of Andrew Lloyd Webber’s non feline related musical, I found myself sitting in the last row of the orchestra and as far away from the action as humanly possible.  So when the great unmasking of our tragic figure commenced, I could not for the life of me figure out what the big deal was.  From where I was sitting he looked rather normal.  At most he was sporting a punk hairdo or one reminiscent of the classic Batman villain, Two Face.  He didn’t look so bad to me.  His face was blurry at best and looked perfectly peachy to me.  The man beneath the opera was just an obsessive fan who may have a slight hair, kidnapping, and murder problem.  If I had sat maybe fifteen rows inward I would have been more offended, but from my vantage point, there was no problem.  The key moment in the musical was lost on me due to a TDF purchase made months ago.  So goes fate.

Before I got my prescription glasses, I had no idea that the world was drawn in such specific detail.  I had faintly remembered seeing everything in precision, but that reality seemed to be another lifetime ago.  When I received the news I was going to join the fraternity of glasses wearers, I was devastated.  I immediately thought of all the meaty leading man role I’d have to give up due to my glasses, and all the smart-aleck sidekick roles I’d be forced to read for.  In retrospect, crying over getting spectacles was a ridiculous move on my part.  Why would I complain about something designed to help my already failing body.  I was ten years old and my body was already beginning to deteriorate.  That doesn’t paint a rosy picture for the future. 

My first pair of glasses was under my parent’s UFT plan and I had the choice between the Harry Potter model or the John Lennon model.  Faced with two conflicting generational icons, I chose a mix between the two, forever endearing myself to the Gryffindor House and Japanese Avant-garde artists.  It was a wise move on my behalf.  I put the glasses on and felt like Dorothy in Oz.  The world was clear and in Technicolor.  I could read signs from blocks away.  I could make out the first three lines of the little legal print.  I was a visual citizen of the world again.  My perspective had grown sharper, my vision stronger, and my appreciation for those who wear glasses out of necessity rather than for fashion reached an exponential level.  I was whole and it only took a major part of my body to fail.  Perspective, as somebody once wrote in the first sentence of this essay, can be everything.

Cruella de Vil

Does anyone else think that Cruella de Vil is awesome?  She wants to skin puppies alive to make a new coat.  That is just all kinds of crazy and evil.  And sexy.  Very sexy.  This is a woman that is willing to kill 101 Dalmatians so she could have a coat that she’ll eventually throw out after a few seasons.  Sign me up for that piece of explosive crazy.  She was also able to convince two people to go along with her sinister plan.  You can’t buy that kind of charisma.  How many people would take a job that would lead to skinning animals to placate the unquenchable fashion thirst of a socialite?  Other than me and those two idiots, I’m supposin’ not many people. 

This declaration of love may also come from the fact that last night, a gigantic dog chased me for a few blocks at 3 in the morning whilst barking and growling very loudly.  My opinion on man’s best friend has dropped below 50% for the first time in a while.  His idiot owner had what looked to be the “grim” running the empty streets sans a leash.  That is illegal and downright dangerous.  I could have been hurt physically rather than just spiritually.  In my moment of terror, I knew there was only one woman who could help in my hour of extreme need.  Cruella.

Cruella.  What a great name.  I hope she was born with a normal boring name and changed it to be that person.  That’ll bring her up a few notches in my book.  It’ll put her at notch more than a few.  De Vil.  That sounds French.  I, unlike most of this country, can’t get enough of the French.  Their language makes English sound even more like a gutter language, and French New Wave movies are just plain swell.  Jean Paul Belmondo is a treasure.  And don’t get me started on that Anna Karina (she’s a French citizen now).    

But they all pale to Cruella de Vil.  The best Disney villain/ and maybe Disney character.  Standing on her two hind legs like a young Rory Calhoun, she inspired one of the greatest Simpsons songs (“See My Vest”) of all time.  If she came to me with the carcasses of 101 dead Dalmatians and their separated skins and ordered me to make a fur coat, I’d whip one up faster than you could say “Tallulah Bankhead”.  I’d ask no questions.  Other than the obvious one of cash or credit.  And the other obvious one of “I was going by the pound tonight, want come with and decide on a new spring line?”  One can dream.  Oh, one can dream.        

A Typical Day at the Office

A normal Monday morning in a big firm in the heart of the financial district of an eccentric city...

Bill: Hey Joe, how was your weekend?

Joe:  Actually kinda crazy.  Get this, last Friday I was a block away from my apartment when I see the cops have blocked off my whole area due to some bank robbery.

Bill: Yeah, yeah I heard about that, there was some hostage situation or something.  The bank with the giant penny.

Joe:  Yep.  So I join the crowd to see what’s the deal and out of the bank comes - get this - you’re not gonna believe it…

Bill: Who?

Joe:  Two fucking Face.

Bill:  No way, you saw fucking Two Face.   Is his face that messed up?

Joe:  I was far away, I couldn’t really see.  It looked he just put some purple make up on half his face.

Bill: One time I saw the Phantom of the Opera, but I was in the last row, so I couldn’t make out the guys face when he took his mask off.  He looked pretty normal to me.

Joe: It was just like that.  Remember when we tried to go to see Cats and right before the show started, Poison Ivy came out and tried turn us into stone or some shit.

Bill: Were lucky we got a full refund on those tickets.  Phantom was great thought.  But Two-Face, shit man.  Was Batman there?

Joe:  Nah, just Nightwing.  We were all pissed.  I thought finally I'd get to see Batman, but it was just that guy with the ponytail.

Bill:  Man, I’ve been living here for 17 goddamn years and I’ve only seen Poison Ivy.  I did get a glimpse of one of the Robins.  The rude one.

Joe:  Two Face was a thrill.  I once missed the Penguin by like ten minutes.  I was walking by the aviary and saw some Ostrich picking the lock, but I just kept walking cause I had to meet Dana at Viper. 

Bill: Viper, is that place still around?

Joe: Nah, remember the Joker planted some bombs in there like a three months ago to kill some mobster or something.

Bill: Yeah, Susan was there that night and actually saw him and Batman fight.  She came home like it was no big deal.  She was like you’ll never guess who I ran into tonight.

Joe:  Hasn’t she seen Batman like 8 times.

Bill: Seen him, he’s saved her life like twice.  Her first week in Gotham, Batman inject her with some anti-fear toxin after a run in with Scarecrow and a month later he caught her after Harley Quinn threw her out of her office window. 

Joe:  Lucky bitch.  I’m up to Two Face, Poison Ivy, and I’ve passed some of the Falcones on the street.

Bill: Some people get lucky like that.  Do you want to go see the Knights take on the Falcons Thursday at the Garden?

Joe:  Didn’t Scarecrow threaten the game?

Bill: He did and that’s why the tickets are half off!  I got box seats for like 90 bucks.

Joe: Damn straight I’ll be there.  I’ll pack the gas masks and meet ya there around 7?  I wanna see the new stadium.

Bill: Cool…

(A woman screams and a distinctive laughter fills the air)

Joe:  No way, is that the…?

Both: Joker!

(Both run towards the laughing madman to get a glimpse at the criminal legend).   

Slacking Part 2

Half stepping near the downtown 6 train on Spring Street when a woman of ill fame grabs me by the ankle and invites me up to her pad saying she’ll cure my dreams and give me the profit.  I run up 8 flights of descending stairs only to find an apartment cluttered with every Brazilian newspaper dated from October 5^th, 2013.  She closes the door behind me and punches me in the left bicep, until she throws me head first out the window, where I somehow land on top of three sunbathers.  We laugh about the incident and they throw me off their roof and I land on the collective umbrellas of 4 sunbathers who are afraid of the sun.  We laugh until I see the women of ill fame talking to the sunbathers above us and I begin to sprint fearing that I don’t have many rooftop falls left in me.  I call for the escalator and run down the stairs in a panic and barrel through the door absorbing the glass in my leather jacket.  My jacket screams in agony and wants me to put it out of its misery, so I take it off and bury it next to Gertrude Winthrop in Trinity Church.  They both seem relatively happy about the union (though I swear I saw Gertrude wince when I left).

I make it further downtown when I stop for some soup dumplings and just as I am about to dig in, the pork buns on the platter next to me decide to rob me.  The pork buns steal my socks and eat five of my soup dumplings.  They were very generous to give me the remaining three.  They were amazing.   I leave the restaurant shaking before I stumble down a manhole and into a penthouse apartment filled with silhouettes of people floating back and forth.  They strip me naked and we sit for a while discussing the ins and outs of the arraignment process.  We agree on many parts.  They ask if I would like to become a silhouette and I politely decline because I’ve grown far too fond of my chest hair.  They sigh and throw my clothes back at me, but my clothes are missing their colors.  I ask for the colors and am given all but the blues.  Good enough I think as I walk out and dress myself in the hallway. 

Another door opens and out walks a man with so much time to spare that he throws me into his apartment to sit around.  I sit in a sofa that turns out to be a hole and again I’m falling for an undisclosed amount of time.  Old habits die hard I figure….