In about a week, the new plot to destroy the Jewish
community will unfold and there is nothing we can do to stop it. No Jew will be able to survive this occasion
fully intact and by the end of the year, most will be a fragment of the person
they once were. The occurrence I am
describing happens as frequently as a complete reversal of the geomagnetic
poles (please don’t fact check me on this one).
The Jewish community knows what I’m talking about, but for the
percentage of the world’s population that is non-Jewish (99.8%), I’ll explain
the upcoming near catastrophic event.
Thanksgiving and Hanukkah will overlap and some people will celebrate both
holidays on the same day.
Now this may seem like a Neo-Nazi or Anti-Semitic doing, but
so far my leads on those stories have gone nowhere. I thought for a minute that maybe the
Catholic Church had planned this as a final revenge for the whole Jesus thing,
but this Pope actually seems to care about people outside his circle of Cardinals. Keep that revolutionary spirit going, Pope
Francis. ThanksHannukkah just seems to
be another way of our Judeo-Christian god proclaiming that we are the chosen
people. Our imaginary god likes to fuck with us.
Many may think that this is a hilarious and fun
coincidence. Latkes with turkey? Sounds delightful. Wrong.
Who actually like Thanksgiving apart from the days off from work, the
sometimes decent food, and the choice sporting matchups. Other than that, Thanksgiving is usually
terrible. First, let’s enjoy the genesis
of this holiday. Way to celebrate the
one good moment the white man had with the Native Americans before they were
ruthless slaughtered or smallpox blanketed to death. Thanksgiving is a day that anybody who has
colonial settler ancestors should pay heavy reparations or at least give a
donation to a museum on Native American history. Thanksgiving is filled with conversations
with Republican relatives asking the normal slew of why don’t you have a
girlfriend, why is your girlfriend here, why don’t you have a job, why aren’t
you looking harder for a job, why did we elect a President from Kenya, why isn’t
Ted Cruz president, why can’t you be like your cousin, and why are you crying. Nothing says a fun, relaxed evening like
listening to that cattle chorus of delicious sounds. Only the quiet relief of tryptophan can ease
the shouting and yelling as you drift face down into the mashed potatoes. Always a delightful holiday!
At least Hanukkah has presents. Otherwise its like Thanksgiving but on Hebrew
crack. Only a Jewish grandmother can
reach deep down and effortlessly remind you of your many failures as a human
being. The Hanukkah dinner is where we
let down our gentile guard and let our stereotypes run free. The same questions asked at Thanksgiving get
asked again, but in a whiner and more Brooklyn oriented tone. Only the sweet feeling of receiving a present
at the end of the night makes the evening tolerable. The last act of Hanukkah is to add actual
fire to the figurative powder keg, by lighting the candles. Nothing says family togetherness than yelling
at each other for not lighting a bunch of candles correctly. Always a bundle of joy wrapped in a blanket
of fun.
Naturally, it makes sense celebrate both on the same day. Its convenience as hell and presents a great
novelty. In reality, it’ll be an arduous
day and not even the thrill of eating latkes with sweet potato pie will be able
to save the Jewish people. We’ve
survived by the skin of our teeth, but next Thursday may mark the end of our
glorious run. We’ll be doing the job of
the Anti-Semites for them. Oye Vey, the
Thanksgiving yelling will be combined with the Hanukkah guilt. The Thanksgiving Republicans will ask a
million questions about why we don’t celebrate Christmas. Thanksgiving relatives and Hanukkah relatives
will stare at each other with utter disgust.
Most foul of all, Hanukkah will be spelled in 800 wrong variations. In short, it will be terrible and towards the
end I see mass murder suicides occurring all over areas of Jewish
strongholds. Proud neighborhoods in Long
Island, Miami, Los Angeles, and Brooklyn will be wiped out. An upside though is that the lines for Black
Friday will be marginally thinner.
So I urge Jewish families to utilize the other 7 nights of
Hanukkah. I know it sounds stupid, but
use night five as the holiday celebration.
It could work, why not. Just
resist the urge to celebrate the super holiday and we may just make it in time to
celebrate our favorite holiday: Christmas.
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