NBA Preview: Central Division

Let us continue with our discussion about the NBA with a breakdown of

The Central Division

Chicago Bulls

Last Years’ Finish: Like watching a gritty 70’s Scorsese movie, but set in Chicago.

Best Player: Derrick Rose – Will somehow suffer a major injury despite playing the entire season in protective casing.

Best New Arrival: Mike Dunleavy – Will stretch the floor for the Bulls by setting up in the 3^rd row of the stands.

Strengths:  Joakim Noah will win the “I hate that fucking guy!” award from every opposing fan base.  Now that Derrick Rose is back, Tom Thibodeau will ease the pressure on Loul Deng and only play him 46 minutes per game.

Weaknesses: Tom Thibodeau has decided to play even more ugly and unwatchable basketball.  Carlos Boozer still refuses to deal with his last names’ alcohol problem.  

Team’s Stated Goal: To dethrone the Heat and win the NBA finals.

Team’s Real Goal: To infuse Derrick Rose with adamantium.

Cleveland Cavaliers

Last Years’ Finish:  The opposite of how Lebron James’ season ended.

Best Player: Kyrie Irving – It is considered an honor for an opposing player to be crossed up by this young man.  

Best New Arrival: Andrew Bynum– Even if he has an off season, he will be a league leader in Bleacher Report sidebar posts.

Strengths:  Kyrie Irving finally gets to play basketball among multiple players who have played the game before.  Jarrett Jack and Tristan Thompson will form a powerful alliterative duo. 

  

Weaknesses: If any player gives a negative glare at Coach Mike Brown, the owners will immediately fire Mike Brown. They are one of 29 teams NBA teams to not have Lebron James.

Team’s Stated Goal: To make the playoffs.

Team’s Real Goal: To travel back in time to before “The Decision” and get their shit together.

Detroit Pistons

Last Year’s Finish: Bad, but still one of the more positive stories in Detroit.

Best Player: Josh Smith – Will enjoy the challenge of playing in another overstuffed frontcourt. 

   

Best New Arrival: Josh Smith – He only signed with the Pistons to appear in this bullet point.

Strengths: Andre Drummond can now block opposing players with his mind.  Their announcer has elongated the phrase “Detroit Basketball” to Whitney Houston like levels.

Weaknesses: Brandon Jennings still does not understand why players other than him have to shoot the ball.  Chauncy Billups only has so many great stories from the 2004 championship teams to tell.

Team’s Stated Goal: To make the playoffs. 

Team’s Real Goal: To option Malice at the Palace into a Ken Burn’s style documentary.

Indiana Pacers

Last Year’s Finish: As good as you're gonna get playing against the Chosen One in his prime.

Best Player: Paul George – Will stop at nothing to make sure Danny Granger never regains this spot.

Best New Arrival: Luis Scola – Will add to the Pacers’ tough defensive identity by becoming their designated flopper.

Strengths – Will try to impress Reggie Miller even more by making every Knick player cry next season.  David West has never gotten lost on his way to the stadium.

Weaknesses – Roy Hibbert will not stop telling everybody about how his block saved their season.  The way Frank Vogel speaks when he is mic’ed up.  It just sounds weird.

Team’s Stated Goal: To dethrone the Heat and make the NBA Finals.

Team’s Real Goal: To acquire a selfish superstar and stop this “team basketball” nonsense.

Milwaukee Bucks

Last Years’ Finish: Went nowhere fast.

Best Player: Larry Sanders – He also hosts a great talk show.

Best New Arrival: OJ Mayo – Vowed never to drink the food and beverage concoction his name creates.

Strengths: Caron Butler is happy to be home and making people happy is what this business is all about.  They have a famous fan in Aaron Rodgers.  That’s exciting!  

Weaknesses: Garry Shandling is suing Larry Sanders for copyright infringement.  They are still lobbying Kareem Abdul Jabbar to suit up for them.

Teams’ Stated Goal: To compete for a playoff spot.

Teams’ Real Goal: To finally settle down with a nice doe.