NBA Preview: Pacific Division

This year the Yankees are not in the playoffs, and thus, baseball has lost all meaning to me.  The next sporting event I have to look forward to is the beginning of the NBA season.  To celebrate the upcoming NBA season I will expertly breakdown each division.  To show how different I am from the rest of these so called “analysts”, I will start with the Pacific Division and work my way to the promise land that is the Atlantic Division.  In full disclosure I am a Knicks fan, so if any bias shows at least you know the reason why.

The Pacific Division

Golden State Warriors

Last Years’ Finish: Average for a normal team, glorious if you support the Warriors

Best Player: Stephen Curry – Has spent all summer finally perfecting his broken ankle face.

Best New Arrival: Andre Iguodala – Nothing says team loyalty like defecting to the side that beat you in the playoffs.

Strengths:  Being name Golden State creates a wondrous and positive state of mind for the team.  David Lee sports the best chin scruff in the game. 

Weaknesses: The disappointment that their home arena is in Oakland.  A nickname of Dubs gets them in frequent trouble with the police.

Team’s Stated Goal: To make it to the Western Conference Finals.

Team’s Real Goal: To wear as many short sleeved jerseys as possible.

Los Angeles Clippers

Last Years’ Finish: Mauled.

Best Player: Chris Paul – Spent a trying summer after he found out that Cliff Paul was not his real brother but rather, just a lame corporate tool.

Best New Arrival: J.J Redick – He took the nickname J.J because his real name of January Jones caused him mass confusion with the acclaimed actress.

Strengths:  They know how to dunk the ball.  That’s a handy skill.  They finally hired a coach who is acquainted with the sport of basketball.

Weaknesses: Will have to limit Blake Griffin’s playing time as to not interfere with his true job of endorsing products.  Even for home games they are required to use the visitors’ locker room.  You think the Lakers would share a room with them?

Team’s Stated Goal: Make it to the NBA Finals.

Team’s Real Goal: To finally slay the beast that is the Los Angeles Lakers and take their rightful place at the head of the City of Angels.

Los Angeles Lakers

Last Year’s Finish: Hilarious to anyone outside of the Laker community.

Best Player: Kobe Bryant – All time winner of the prestigious Best Sidekick to Shaquille O’Neal award.

Best New Arrival: Nick Young – Possess all the worst components of Kobe Bryant’s game and is not afraid to show it.

Strengths: Kobe Bryant’s twitter account is one of the best in the business.  Mike D’Antoni will finally have the aging players he needs to run his fast, young man offense.

Weaknesses: Phil Jackson used that Laker’s voodoo doll very effectively last season.  Expect that to happen again this year.  If Kobe Bryant has to sit out due to last season’s Achilles injury, Pau Gasol and the rest of the Lakers could go seriously under criticized.

Team’s Stated Goal: Make it to the Playoffs and be competitive.

Team’s Real Goal: To have more nationally televised games than more deserving teams.

Phoenix Suns

Last Year’s Finish: A flameout (a quality pun)

Best Player: Marcin Gortat – Strikes fear in his opponents by having a classic Eastern European low level gangster’s name.

Best New Arrival: Eric Bledsoe – Adds a touch of class by ending his name with an e rather than a vulgar w.

Strengths – Their new logo will distract fans from how bad this team is.  Also, fans will get to enjoy young players develop before they are given away to better franchises.

Weaknesses – They will be disadvantaged by having to compete against real NBA teams.  They will probably fare poorly against them.  This is a young team and they may be shaken by opposing fans boos.  They must learn to not take it personally.

Team’s Stated Goal: To be competitive and develop their young talent.

Team’s Real Goal: To finally organize that team trip to the Grand Canyon.

Sacramento Kings

Last Years’ Finish: Surprisingly, in Sacramento.

Best Player: DeMarcus Cousins – Will try to repeat and win the “Most Publicly Disgruntled with his Franchise” award.

Best New Arrival: Ben McLemore – Would rather be known for his jump shot than for his last names’ resemblance to rapper Macklemore.

Strengths: They have a point guard named Isaiah Thomas.  That is usually a good name for a point guard.  Carl Landry was willing to come back to his former team.  What a nice guy.

Weaknesses: The arena is called Sleep Train Arena.  Not very intimidating.  For a team called the Kings, they have a remarkable lack of jewelry and crowns.  They need to look more regal.

Teams’ Stated Goal: To be competitive and develop into a good ball club.

Teams’ Real Goal: To change their name to the Sacramento Queens so they may finally wear their tiaras.