NBA Preview: Atlantic Division

Let us finish our discussion about the NBA with a breakdown of

The Atlantic Division

Brooklyn Nets

Last Years’ Finish: Like most things in Brooklyn, not as good as Manhattan.

Best Player: Deron Williams – Is looking forward to deflecting any team failure on his new teammates and coach.

Best New Arrival: Kevin Garnett – His legendary trash talking abilities have been further enhanced by living in Brooklyn for the summer.

Strengths:  The Brooklyn chant is effective not only as a cheer, but also as a mocking jeer.  Very few fan chants boast that kind of flexibility.  Paul Pierce and Joe Johnson will each be known affectionately around the league as “that fuck who shot 4-18 from the field yet still hit the game winner.”

Weaknesses: Still not the biggest draw in the Barkley Center.  The only team people want to see in Brooklyn is still the Dodgers.

Team’s Stated Goal: To dethrone the Heat and win the NBA finals.

Team’s Real Goal: To drink the blood of the New York Knicks and their fan base.

Boston Celtics

Last Years’ Finish:  Like a zombie that just won’t die!

Best Player: Rajon Rondo – He will insist this season that any rebound he gets or points he scores must be turned into assists.

Best New Arrival: Gerald Wallace – It’s gonna be a long year in Beantown.

Strengths: If Rajon Rondo seems disgruntled this year it will actually be for a good reason.  Jeff Green has a good last name for a Celtic player.  

Weaknesses: Lost the heart and soul of their team to Brooklyn resulting in them being one of the weakest metaphysical teams in the league.  Kelly Olynyk uses y as the vowel in his last name. 

Team’s Stated Goal: To develop Rondo into a superstar and have him lead the team into the playoffs.

Team’s Real Goal: To finally take down those pictures of Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett.  The healing has to start some time.

New York Knicks

Last Year’s Finish: FUCK ROY HIBBERT. 

Best Player: Carmelo Anthony – Still asking himself why he thought he could win a championship with the Knicks.   

Best New Arrival: Metta World Peace – In all likelihood it is probably Andrea Bargnani, but I just felt so dirty even attempting to type his name in this spot.

Strengths: J.R. Smith and Metta World Peace will combine to create one of the funniest locker rooms of all time.  Amare Stoudemires' Jewish roots have led to the Knicks having the best lox in the game.

Weaknesses: Spike Lee still causes the Knicks to lose an average of 4 winnable games a year.  James Dolan runs the Knicks like George Steinbrenner ran the Yankees in the 1980’s.  Poorly.

Team’s Stated Goal: To win the NBA Finals.

Team’s Real Goal: To be better than the Brooklyn Nets.

Philadelphia 76ers

Last Year’s Finish: There was more interest in Andrew Bynum’s hair than in the team.  So, not good.

Best Player: Thaddeus Young – It could be a number of okay players, but having a name like Thaddeus Young really makes one shine out from the litter.

Best New Arrival: Nerlens Noel– The 76ers traded all-star Jrue Holliday to get him, so no pressure.

Strengths – Will making tanking an art.  Voluntarily signing Kwame Brown to play for your team will cause Stephen A. Smith’s head to explode.  

Weaknesses – The Brotherly love only lasts so long when a team starts to slide real fast.  They will have to quickly adjust to playing basketball against vastly better opponents.

Team’s Stated Goal: To develop their young players and rebuild.

Team’s Real Goal: To be so bad that they acquire the 1^st through 8^th slots in the draft lottery.

Toronto Raptors

Last Years’ Finish: We have a basketball team, eh?

Best Player: Rudy Gay – He never gets sick of hearing the “Rudy” chant.

Best New Arrival: Tyler Hansbrough – Will enjoy making his mark as that annoying white guy on a new team.

Strengths: There is no pressure due to the population being wrapped up in the far more exciting hockey season.  Demar DeRezan will DeScore a DeLot of DePoints. 

Weaknesses: That plan to overpay Landry Fields to snatch up Steve Nash really worked out guys.  Nice job.  They have to hear two national anthems at every game.  One is annoying enough.

Teams’ Stated Goal: To compete for a playoff spot.

Teams’ Real Goal: To lobby the NBA to allow hockey sticks on the court.

This wraps up my NBA preview.  Hope you enjoyed it.  Comment below with some of your predictions and picks if ya like.