Is it B or C: The Test Writer

I see you are struggling to pick between two choices on a multiple choice question.  The two answers are so similar, yet only one can be right.  Is it B or C, who really knows?  Well I know.  And that’s because I made the test and the question.  I took a great joy in designing that twister of a query.  I took special pride in making those answer choices so similar.  It is one of my favorite questions in the test.

Have you noticed that you haven’t had bubbled in a D yet.  I’m not implying anything or trying to get you crazy, I’m just saying that is strange to go through the first 20 questions and not get a single D.  You had five Cs in row but not one D.  Seems a bit suspicious, eh?  That doubt I’ve instilled is just a perk of writing these questions.  I’ve made you doubt your own abilities just because you think you’ve fallen into an arbitrary answering pattern.  It took me three whole days to write these 20 questions, but seeing the look of bewilderment and frustration on that weary face of yours has made two of those days totally worth it.  Nothing can ever make that third day worth it based on the horrors I’ve seen.  The unadulterated horrors….

Excuse me that took a turn for the Brando.  Let us return to that test.  Ah, you’ve reached the short answer.  I’m hoping you didn’t use trial and error because you’re going to have to explain how you got there.  I want to see every step written down in the king’s immaculate English.  Is there any greater annoyance on a test than “show your work”? 

Of course there is a greater test taking annoyance and it comes in the form of one of my favorite devices, the indispensable “all of the above” or “none of the above”.  All of the above wastes valuable time by forcing you to review every answer choice.  Time that could be better spent working on the next problem, or going back to finally decide if it is B or C.  All of the above causes a time delay annoyance, but “none of the above” causes the real panic.  It took you four whole minutes to solve this albatross of a question only to find that your solution does not match up with the four choices that have been mercifully provided.  You could have made a mistake in those careful calculations, so why not take even more time and check your work again.  Everything seems to check out and the only thing preventing you from penciling in that E choice is that gnawing sense of self-doubt.  Oh it’s those little moments of student fear that I live for.

So think of me when you have to take that next impossible standardized test.  I spent a long time making it just perfect.  Every moment you are stuck between two choices, think of me.  I did that on purpose.  I thank you for falling into the trap that is question 17.  I applaud you for staring at none of the above for a longer time than it took you to actually solve the problem.  Those moments are the reason I do what I do.  The eye roll when you have to explain such a self-explanatory problem helps me go to bed satisfied at night when I feel like sleeping. 

You read me right.  I don’t sleep.  I’m always up, thinking of new improbable situations to put someone in for the purpose of giving you a hard time at school tomorrow.  I’m thinking of the perfect name to accent each question.  Without the name Darius, Question 13 would make no sense.  It would fall flat and I would not be doing my job correctly.

Enjoy the test and think about how I control your pretty little future in my hands.  If you correctly answer a majority of the 50 multiple choice questions and the 10 short response questions you get to move on with your life and answer the queries my colleague Daniel has slaved over.  If you fail, I suppose we will be meeting again next year.  And the pleasure will be all mine; I’m certain of it.  By the way the answer is A, not B or C.  Got ya again.