Generations Upon Generations

I can’t wait to get older and criticize the next generation for their perceived failings.  Just when they hit that age of maturity and develop civil sensibilities, wham, I’m going to talk about how they dress so much skankier than the girls of my time did.  No matter what good they are collectively doing, I’ll make sure it doesn’t impress me in the faintest degree.  I’ll simply said its' been done before, but better.  Ha, that’ll teach those smug fucks to think they can improve the world my generation helped to mess up.

 I cannot wait to say the phrase, “back in my day”, and mean it sincerely.  God, that'll feel so good.  Back in my day, our music was produced by actual humans not the Beatmaker 3000!  Bam, they won’t know what hit ‘em.  Probably because they are not as smart as my generation for we were the best and every generation after us is just copying our greatness. 

It’s going to be a good day when I have the power to write a million think pieces about how selfish and self-absorbed this new generation is.  I can picture it now: “The Help Me First Generation – Why Our New Generation Thinks Only about Themselves”.  Classic condescension.  While writing that essay, I’ll conveniently leave out anything written about my generation because the people that wrote about us were clearly out of touch.  Those people had no idea what they were writing about; they could barely even use the internet. 

It is going to be a golden day on this beautiful planet when I can sit back and tell everybody that the SNL cast of my day was so much more talented than the hacks preforming today (except for that hot girl and the fat guy).  I’ll revel about the glory days of film when they shot on digital and not on whatever scary new technology they are using today.

Or how about, back in my day, politicians used to stand firm in their beliefs rather than obeying to a system of muddled down compromises.  We used to believe in what we were fighting for and would threaten the whole country just to guarantee we got what we wanted and screwed over as many people as possible.  Back in my day, a lobbyist is what a politician became after he retired; it wasn’t merely the same thing.  I pray for that future day when I can have a faux nostalgia about a truly horrific time in American politics.

I just cannot wait for the day when I can be disgusted by the next generations’ loose morals.  In my day, we only had friends with benefits and sexting, not some new thing that’ll make me wish I had been born ten years later.  It’ll be fun to hide my jealously at the more progressive and looser sexual atmosphere of the next generation through some good old fashioned slut shaming. 

In conclusion, bring on the next guys because I am sick of hearing about why every out of touch generation thinks we millennials suck.  I want to be out of touch and jealous and angry that I’m not relevant anymore!  I want to yell at the new guys for being not me.  I just want to keep believing my generation's fifteen minutes of supreme cultural relevance hasn’t expired yet.