NBA Preview: Southeast Division

Let us continue with our discussion about the NBA with a breakdown of

The Southeast Division

Atlanta Hawks

Last Years’ Finish: Same as it ever was.  Same as it ever was.

Best Player: Al Horford – He is finally the best player on the Hawks.  It was his only wish on the cursed monkey paw he bought in Marrakesh that came true.

Best New Arrival: Paul Millsap – He is excited to play for a team with another dominant center who will overshadow all his accomplishments.

Strengths:  Kyle Korver looks like Aston Kutcher, so expect a confused Mila Kunis to attend many Hawks games and give a reason for the Hawks players to try hard.  Lou Williams has a smooth basketball name.

Weaknesses: The fans come out for big games, but only to root for the other team.  No matter how many different players they acquire, they will never get farther than winning two games in the second round of the playoffs.   

Team’s Stated Goal: To make the playoffs and make a surprising run.

Team’s Real Goal: To never give up on the dream to acquire Dwight Howard.

Charlotte Bobcats

Last Years’ Finish:  Not the worst season in NBA history –because that was set by them the year before.

Best Player: Al Jefferson – He was sick of the disappointment of always being so close to making the playoff, so he decided to go to a team that would never come close to being relevant.  

Best New Arrival: Al Jefferson – Will regal his teammates of what it’s like to be on a fringe playoff team.

Strengths:  They are changing their name next year to the Hornets, so at least their gear will be cool again.  We may get to see Michael Jordan return for a game and if we are lucky, he may also bring back assistant coach Patrick Ewing for a Space Jam reunion.

    

Weaknesses: Their best players may be a 50 year old Michael Jordan and a 50 year old Patrick Ewing.  Any breakout player will be traded by March for a disappointing haul.

Team’s Stated Goal: To be competitive in each game and to make some strides in the winning direction.

Team’s Real Goal: To have the Michael Jordan Bobcats jersey hit number one in jersey sales.

Miami Heat

Last Year’s Finish: Expected and thrilling, but still very evil.

Best Player: Lebron James – Will spend this season teasing every fan base so that the heartbreak is so much sweeter when he signs a 7 year extension to the Heat.  

Best New Arrival: Greg Oden – Once he plays in 10 consecutive games, he will retire saying he has accomplished all he set out to do.

Strengths: Lebron James is the only player to perceive the game in the 4^th dimension, giving him another edge over everybody else.  Chris Bosh will lead the league in most .gif-able moments.

Weaknesses: Ray Allen will no longer be accountable for any mistakes because of Game 6.  Pat Riley has decided to let Erik Spoelstra coach for real this time.

Team’s Stated Goal: To win 3 in a row. 

Team’s Real Goal: To win 3 and a row and then have the musical Damn Yankees rewritten about them.

Orlando Magic

Last Year’s Finish: As fun as going to Epcot Center.

Best Player: Nikola Vucevic – Enjoying his time in Orlando before he leaves to a more successful franchise.

Best New Arrival: Victor Oladipo– His dream to play in the NBA has been compromised by learning it would be with the Magic.

Strengths – There is nothing more heartwarming than watching a young team and picking out which players your favorite franchise will sign in 3 years.  After every win they get to go to see the Magic Kingdom fireworks.

Weaknesses – Jameer Nelson still refuses to believe that Dwight Howard is not on the team.  Glen Davis is still going by the nickname Big Baby.

Team’s Stated Goal: To develop their young players and become an exciting team to watch.

Team’s Real Goal: To stop the Lakers from signing all their great players.

Washington Wizards

Last Years’ Finish: If only John Wall was here all year.  Then we’d be laughing at you.

Best Player: John Wall – Is the only person in D.C. who is competent at his job.

Best New Arrival: Al Harrington – Seems to be on a new team every year.  What’s the deal man?

Strengths: Is the least dysfunctional organization in Washington D.C.  Has mastered the art of the filibuster and will try to employ it in as many situations as possible.   

Weaknesses: Nene has to be one of the least intimidating names in the league.  The ghost of Gilbert Arenas still haunts the clubhouse.

Teams’ Stated Goal: Sneak into the playoffs as an 7^th or 8^th seed.

Teams’ Real Goal: If they lose any game, would like to successfully shut down the NBA.