4th of July Tips

What does the 4^th of July mean to me?  To me the 4^th is about doing little to nothing while attempting to catch the end of the fireworks display over the Hudson River.  But to others in this vast land, the 4^th of July consists of barbecues, hot dog eating contests, and displays of Americana so intense that not even Norman Rockwell himself would dare to paint such scenes for fears of being deemed too tacky.  So for those unsure of how to celebrate or rather what to do on tomorrow’s celebration of our nation’s independence from the English, please read my guide to celebrating this holiest of high holy American holidays.  The guide is below (obviously).

1)      If you have an ancestor who was involved in the Confederacy or if you yourself own a confederate flag, you cannot celebrate July 4^th.  You come from a line of traitors and should not be able to celebrate our day.  So sit this one out buddy.

2)      Today is the day that wearing a tri-cornered hat is okay and doesn’t put off the vibe that you are a fucking idiot and reason why this country can’t be like the rest of the progressive nations in the world.

3)      Sing the national anthem loudly and proudly!   Wait, you don’t know the lyrics by heart?  You only know the first line and the home of the brave part?  Terrible.  Just terrible.

4)      Get the Stars and Stripes badge on Sporcle.  Then ask the question, what happened? 

5)      Soccer watching on July 4th?  Might as well just piss on the Constitution there comrade?  If you watch any sport that’s not baseball today you are dead to this proud nation.  Dead.

6)      Paint a rosy picture of this country’s history by conveniently leaving out all the awful things that have occurred in this nation’s past and present (note: you can/should do this every day.  It’s the American way).   

7)      Make sure to use the phrase “let’s create some fireworks of our own” in any relevant moment. Notice the time it takes for that phrase to become tiresome and lame (hint – the first time).

8)      Remember these colors don’t run…when hand washed.  Never, ever machine wash or they will run over everything and ruin all your clothes.

9)      I know it sounds crazy, but today is the one day where it’s okay to believe that that President isn’t a Kenyan Muslim fascist socialist.  Then, by all means, go back to be crazy tomorrow.

10)   Watch American Dad! out of patriotic duty and because it is fucking hilarious.  Roger Smith for President!

So heed my advice and have a Happy 4^th of July!