2016 Predictions

Here are some predictions for 2016: with one hopeful prediction, one realistic prediction, and one bold prediction.

US FOREIGN POLICY

Hopeful: The Iran deal sticks and we start to leave the countries we have invaded while successfully defeating Isis without sacrificing our ideals and principles.

Realistic: After we destroy Isis and the Middle East due to “selective carpet bombing” a new, even more extreme, terror group will rise up and we’ll be back where we started.

Bold: Anonymous Twitter shames ISIS into disbanding and repenting for all the evil they have done.

YANKEES

Hopeful: The Yankees win the 2016 World Series and set themselves up beautifully for a future dynasty.

Realistic: Fans forget all about the domestic abuse allegations surrounding Aroldis Chapman due to him being in the midst of a CY Young season.

Bold: Alex Rodriguez becomes the first active player elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame.

KNICKS

Hopeful: The Knicks play 500 ball and sneak into the 8^th seed in the East due to the tremendous play of Kristaps PorzyGOD and Carmelo Anthony.

Realistic: Knick fans become fluent in Latvian.

Bold: Nothing bizarre that would only happen to the Knicks happens for the rest of the season.

PRESIDENT OBAMA

Hopeful: President Obama takes off his moderate mask to reveal the hardcore socialist we all hoped he was!

Realistic:  President Obama gives another one of “this has to stop” and “we’re the only country that this happens in” speech.

Bold: President Obama finally gives in and confirms that he was indeed born in Kenya.

PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS

Hopeful:  Bernie Sanders somehow wins the Democratic nomination and then goes on to take the Presidency.

Realistic: Hillary Clinton wins the Democratic nomination and defeats Donald Trump to win the Presidency.

Bold:   Donald Trump wins the Presidency on the combined strength of the Hispanic and Muslim vote.

ENVIRONMENT

Hopeful:  We start to make tangible steps to fighting global warming after realizing that the average temperature in December should be lower than 72 degrees.

Realistic:  We begin writing eulogies for the cities that will be underwater because we’re doomed.

Bold:  Losing those cities will be worth it because their eulogies will be magnificent.

STAR WARS

Hopeful: I see the Force Awakens only two more times in the theater.

Realistic: I spend the next year agonizingly counting down the days till Episode 8 (512 days!).

Bold: I fully get over the death of SPOILER SPOILER Han Solo (not bloody likely).

WOMEN’S ISSUES

Hopeful:  Women are finally able to express an opinion without having the first hundred comments being death and rape threats.

Realistic:  When Hillary Clinton gets elected the phrase “sexism is over we have a female president” will somehow be taken as a valid statement.

Bold:  People cease to believe that the least realistic thing in a film about hyperspace, lightsabers, and an all-powerful binding force is the competent ass kicking female heroine.

RACISM

Hopeful:  A grand jury finally convicts a police officer for shooting an unarmed black man.

Realistic: The phrase “black on black violence” will still be a major talking point on Fox News.

Bold:  Students will write a Black History essay on a figure other than Martin Luther King Jr, Rosa Parks, or George Washington Carver.

BOB DYLAN

Hopeful:  Bob Dylan tours again and plays some crazy set lists with some crazy guests.

Realistic: Bob Dylan tours again and plays the same set list but with good voice.

Bold: Bob Dylan releases a Joan Baez cover album of Joan Baez playing Bob Dylan songs. The universe collapses.

MOVIES

Hopeful: I will attend a movie where I don’t see the blinding light from a motherfucking cellphone for the entirety of a 2 hour film. What the fuck people?

Realistic: I finally go to one of those theaters with lazy-boys. And I’ll still see people on their motherfucking cellphones! Put it away for a minute people, seriously what the fuck!

Bold:  12% of all Hollywood films will pass the Bechdel Test – a record high!

TV

Hopeful: All the shows I enjoy watching come back strong.

Realistic:  1500 new shows come out and all of them are acclaimed complex dramedies with likable anti-heroes and redefine the way we think about television.

Bold:  Arrested Development movie/season 5 comes out.  C’mon!

MUSIC

Hopeful:  I will learn how to play a decent harmonica and cease lying about my harmonica skills.

Realistic:  People will forget that Drake was once a musician before he became a full time meme.

Bold:  I win the Grammy for my dramatic readings of my blogs (it could happen).

THE FATE OF THE AUTHOR

Hopeful:  I do the things that I want to do (in the order I would like to do them in).

Realistic: Finally get hired to be the spokesman for Tinder.

Bold:  My application for Are You the One? gets approved.   

Star Wars The Force Awakens Review

Star Wars Review – needless to say heavy SPOILERS

The Force Awakens was simply fantastic and one of the few movies that lives up to the hype. I could never have imagined after Revenge of the Sith to be sitting down to watch a new Star Wars film and the moment is indeed surreal. Watching the familiar “a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away” was overwhelming and had me welling up. It hit me during the crawl that this was actually happening, that something that has shaped me so much was coming back again. I was seeing the further adventures of Luke, Leia, and Han Solo (amongst some newcomers). My only complaint was that I wish Lando was there to join them. I want to see the smoothest man in the galaxy return wearing the hell out of a blue and gold cape.

The new characters were great and surprisingly funny. It’s been a long while since a Star Wars film was funny on purpose. Even Kylo Ren had some good humor moments (his impotent rage slashing scenes in particular). My kudos to JJ Abrams for finding Daisy Ridley and John Boyega because they were incredible in their roles. Rey was kickass at everything and her closing fight with Kylo Ren is one of the best lightsaber fights I’ve seen, even though I was a little surprised at how good she was concerning she had little to no jedi training (I bet she’s Luke’s daughter and was beginning her training when Kylo wreck the place). I’ll buy it that Kylo was physically and emotionally drained, but he could have taken out Finn a little quicker. Still, the fight was so primal and raw, especially the end when Kylo is swinging wildly at Rey when he knows he’s lost. As for Finn, he too had great lines and fantastic chemistry with every character. He and Poe’s instant comaraderie was more believable than Anakin and Obi Wan’s supposedly long years of friendship.  Here’s hoping he awakes from that coma and gets a major fight scene with Captain Phasma.

Despite the great roles for the new kids, Han Solo stole the show. He got the biggest applause when he entered the film and fit right back into the swing of things. Harrison Ford, for all his misgivings about the character, really gave the best performance of the film. He wasn’t just playing Han Solo, he was Han Solo. His death scene was my favorite part of the movie. Once he and Chewie split up and he saw Kylo Ren on the bridge you knew something bad was going to happen. Watching Solo confront his son and lose him to the dark side of the force is up there with “I am your father” for most emotional moments in the saga. Even though I knew it was probably going to happen and thought it made totally sense within the narrative, nothing can prepare you for the moment when Han Solo, the coolest cat in the galaxy, gets betrayed and killed by his son. The look of sadness, betrayal, and almost forgiveness when he touches Ben’s face and falls into the pit was the closest I’ve come to crying in a movie since the opening credits…well this film. For the rest of his life, Adam Driver is going to be known to generations of children as the man who killed Han Solo.

Chewbacca was amazing in this film. He had some hilarious moments (shrugging with the general comment and recounting his injuries to the nurse), but his stand out moment is in the aftermath of Han’s death. Like the total badass he is, he immediately hits Kylo Ren right in the side with his bowcaster after letting out the most emotional roar I’ve ever heard. I kept thinking about how Chewie must have felt in that moment. He watched his best friend of over 40 years die by the lightsaber of his son, a man Chewie probably had a part in raising. To watch Chewie shoot Ren was as cathartic a moment as you could hope for after watching everyone’s favorite smuggler die.

Adam Driver has cemented his place as one of my favorite actors around. es sold the unpolished and conflicted nature of Kylo Ren so well and held his own against Harrison Ford in the bridge scene. The reveal with his face could have been silly because it’s the guy from Girls playing a Sith apprentice but if there’s one thing I should have remembered, it’s that Adam Driver plays intense really well. Watching Kylo Ren develop as a Dark Jedi will be a highlight moving forward and I can’t wait to see him duel Rey again or maybe face off against Luke Skywalker.

I was initially disappointed with Luke having no lines, but then he sold the hell out of that last minute reveal to Rey providing for a last overwhelming emotional moment. It’s better to have Luke stay in the background for this film because you would cease to really care about the other characters (as co-writer Michael Arndt said). You would want to see full on Jedi Master Luke Skywalker kick some ass. Here’s hoping he does so in Episode 8.

I was surprised Princess Leia (she’ll always be Princess Leia to me) had such a small role. I thought she’d do a bit more other than simply man the command station, but she was great in her part. Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford will always have the most free-flowing and fun chemistry in the galaxy. I loved how they played up her force sensitivity when she could feel Han Solo’s death.  A great nod to Obi Wan sensing the destruction of Alderaan. My only complaint is that I wanted to see her have a moment with Chewbacca after the death of Han.

This was the best use of C3P0 in a while. His introduction to Han Solo was actually funny. I didn’t get why R2 was in low power mode because I would have enjoyed seeing some classic droid bickering, but oh well. Minor quibble. BB-8 putting up a flamethrower thumbs up: a meme waiting to happen.

I was disappointed with Captain Phasma as all she did was walk around and get jumped by Chewie. So much for her being this amazing Stormtrooper and central piece of marketing. Even Boba Fett got to shoot a blaster before being idolized. Same goes for Max Von Sydow’s character of Lor San Tekka. It would have been nice to see him do something other than get killed by Kylo Ren within a second of saying bye to Poe.

Lord Snoke is an interesting character but not an intimating one at all. Han and Leia know who he is and the film makes it clear that he was manipulating Ben for a while, so I’d be curious to see who he was in relation to everyone else. I bet that Luke gave him his nasty scar. I hear a rumord that he is Darth Plagueis the Wise (the Emperor’s former master), but that seems like a little too inside baseball to happen (like the rumor that Kylo Ren was Darth Revan).

A great thing about this film was that I left leaving with more questions than answers. I am nothing but psyched for Episode 8 and excited to see what Rian Johnson brings to the film (May 26^th 2017 can’t come soon enough). JJ Abrams hit the beats of A New Hope and it seems like Rian Johnson is the perfect choice for what should be a darker sequel chapter.

I’ve read people complain that The Force Awakens is too similar to A New Hope, and I’d agree, but it doesn’t really bother me because Star Wars is always repeating itself. In each first installment of each trilogy the same beats are hit. An orphan/poor child with special powers leaves a desolate planet (while being an excellent pilot) and gets swept up in the middle of a great adventure. A mentor dies and a big imposing ship/space station/weaponized planet gets destroyed. The first chapter of any Star Wars trilogy is taking your first steps into a larger universe as Obi Wan once said. So I’m cool with the repetition. After the disappointments of the prequel trilogy it was smart to go safe in this one. Hopefully, Episode 8 will go into new and crazy Star Wars places.

In conclusion, I will be seeing this movie a million more times in the theater (I will go with anyone who asks) and will continue to shed many a tear when watching Han Solo approach his son on the bridge.

Reasons to Vote Republican

Vote for...

Donald Trump: If you want to live in the prequel story to V for Vendetta.

Ted Cruz: If you want this to be in the National Portrait Gallery:

Marco Rubio: If you thought Mitt Romney’s biggest failing was that he came off as “too human”.

Rand Paul: If you want to spend 4-8 years trying to see if his foreign policy can make you forgot about his domestic policy.

Ben Carson: If when you saw former President George W. Bush struggle with basic facts and known truths thought “I’d like to see someone like that in the White House again”.

Carly Fiorina: If you were curious to see how a failure from the private sector will fail in the public sector.

Chris Christie: If you always wanted to see what would happen if Jon Stewart’s New Jersey guy impression was tasked with leading our great nation.

Jeb Bush: If you are the person who thinks the third installment of a franchise is always the best one.

Jon Kasich: If you always wanted to see Frank Grimes (or Grimy as he preferred to be called) lead our country.

Mike Huckabee: If you have ever uttered “the south shall rise again”.

Lindsey Graham: If you fancy a mint julep at all hours of the day.

Rick Santorum: If you believe that America could stand to be a little more Christian.

George Pataki: If you want to be that guy.

Hannukah Humbug!

Why is it when I tell people Happy Hannukah during one of the seven days (eight nights) of Hannukah I get nothing but smirks and people chuckling whereas if I were to say Merry Christmas during the same time period I would receive a sincere Merry Christmas back even though it’s not applicable? It’s maddening! What makes Hannukah so funny as compared to the sacred day of Christmas? Is it the oil thing because if it is I will concede that point as it is pretty lame. Keeping a temple lit for eight days is something that one would expect out of a street magician who wears a lot of metal chains and black eyeliner not the basis of a holiday that has to compete with the juggernaut that is Christmas.

Those orthodox trucks that play music and say Happy Hannukah are not helping the cause. If anything seeing them turns me into an anti-Semite. You’re not supposed to advertise your Judaism, it needs to come out naturally like giving a subpar tip. Plus the Orthodox should not be the face of the Jewish people. Then were just asking for it.

Christmas in its purest form is a birthday party for Jesus Christ. Now when it’s somebody’s birthday do you go around wishing them a Happy Birthday three weeks before the actual birthday occurs? No, you do it that week (if you’re not going to see them on their birthday) or ideally on their birthday. So why then for the birthday of someone’s who’s been dead for 2,000 years do we insist on essentially saying “Happy Birthday” for the whole month of December? It’s not like he’s going to hear it. The only time in my grinchy Jewish mind for it to be okay to say Merry Christmas is on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Every other day say Happy Holidays because not everybody in the world celebrates the birth of a carpenter who somehow worked his way up to son of god (must have been a really bad carpenter).

So for this holiday post I leave you with the words of my grandma (I’m paraphrasing): “We killed Christ and if he ever comes back we’ll kill him again!” Happy Hannukah!

Chance Encounters

Why is a random or chance encounter more romantic than a planned or set up meeting? Is it due to the fact that we plan everything to the tee and know exactly where everybody is at all times? I’m not one to disparage dating/casual meeting apps, but even their power of the mutual opt in blind date cannot compare to the sheer madness of meeting a visage at 4 in the morning with absolutely no planning. Everything right has to happen. The time, space, and attitude must all be correct or else life goes on as planned. The chance encounter can be nothing more than a conversation, a wink, a smile, a kiss, or a brush of the arm but it still holds a power that cannot (for my words) be matched. When the random meeting happens, and is positive, it sets the mind and heart a flutter like nothing else. Do we (mainly me) put too much into the beauty of the doomed or failed encounter? I know I’ll never see these people again 99% of the time (the one time it did work, oh man was it a time and a half but then like all fables the clock struck 12 and that was it) but perhaps that’s the appeal. Our culture’s most famous love story is that of Romeo and Juliet. If that hasn’t set generations of lovers up for perpetual fail with its story of perfect love gone oh so wrong I don’t know what else could.

It may hit a nerve (the random encounter) because it fulfills the old question “do I dare disturb the universe”. Such a meeting (especially in these times of hyper connectivity) are not supposed to happen. You’re supposed to drift from point a to point b and not stray from the path. That’s a fine strategy because some paths are that good, but a detour, no matter how quick or ultimately meaningless, is always too powerful to resist. Different doesn’t always mean better but what if it did in this case? What if randomness became a positive and better than the path laid out? That would be a disturbing the universe moment indeed. Such is the magic of the random encounter. It disturbs the universe even if it is for a minute or two. Sometimes things need to be shaken up.

In conclusion, there is no greater thrill than finding a simpatico partner where you weren’t looking (or trying to look for one).

In further conclusion, I need to go to stop staying up so late.

Thoughts on September 11

As a native New Yorker, it’s interesting to see how September 11^th has changed as we move farther and farther away from the attacks. This year the film Man on Wire comes out and it has to be the first film I can remember that features the Twin Towers in a non-9/11 context since the attacks. There have not been any protests or think pieces about whether it is too soon to be discussing the towers but as the premiere to the film nears I could very well turn out to be wrong about the lack of interest the film’s main supporting character garner. I’m also curious to see how long it will take for jokes about September 11^th to make it mainstream. The most mainstream joke about 9/11 is how Rudy Giuliani has been the only person to benefit from the attacks and how he remains the tragedies chief exploiter. But in terms of jokes about the events of that day and not the scumbag who profited off it, Ted 2 is one of the few films (feel free to correct me in the comments…like that’s ever happened) that had a few jokes on the attacks, particularly in the scene when Ted and John yell out suggestions at the improv (Seth McFarlane has made a few 9/11 jokes in Family Guy as well). How long does it take tragedy to turn into comedy because as Alan Alda said in Crimes and Misdemeanors, “comedy is tragedy plus time’). It took around 40 years for Pearl Harbor to be made fun of when Spielberg made 1941. Hell, I’ve even seen a Pearl Harbor parody in Malcolm in the Middle. Holocaust jokes have been around for a while and the movie A Lighter Side of the Holocuast aka Life is Beautiful won critical acclaim. There have been countless Lincoln assassination jokes and the inspiring Helen Keller may be better known for the ways her parents supposedly punished her than for what she actually did in real life. It’ll be interesting to see when this happens to September 11^th. My guess is probably while we’re all still recovering from the latest tragedy to hit this country.

We as a nation will never forget 9/11 but I think the better thing to ask is did we learn anything in the aftermath. Look at what’s happened to this place after the attacks. The Patriot act. The endless Middle-eastern wars. Poor health benefits for first responders. Constant fear. Illegal wiretaps and excessive spying and the fact that most people (including myself) don’t really care as much as they should. We’ve given in to a culture of fear and military jingoism quicker than your average fascist state. We still have politicians clamoring for more middle-east wars because the first time went so well. We’re all drummed up about terrorist attacks and groups like Isis when we forget that a more pressing danger is the rate at which we’re killing the planet. Our military takes up 18% of our budget will education takes up 2% (http://www.cbpp.org/research/policy-basics-where-do-our-federal-tax-dollars-go). We spend more on defense than the next 7 countries combined (http://pgpf.org/Chart-Archive/0053_defense-comparison). Imagine if we spent that money differently. Imagine if we invested in education, infrastructure, welfare programs, or even something like keeping our natural parks pristine rather than using it to fight a concept. You can’t win a physical war against a concept or idea. A gun will not destroy the idea of extreme fundamentalism. Especially when half the strategy involves arming “moderate” rebels who eventually will turn against us. September 11 was a seismic change for the nation and as the years after the attack have told, it wasn’t for the better. 

A Real Science Project

I don’t understand the gall or reasoning behind people calling Caitlyn Jenner a science project.  For me the most controversial aspect of the situation is that Caitlyn isn’t spelled with a “K” (I’m also turned off by the multimillion dollar payoff/ TV. specials coming through this but the Kardashian money making machine is a discussion for another day).  This whole science project insult reaches a level of nastiness and hypocrisy that actually makes it rather appropriate for internet discussion.  My question is where were these people during other events that “go against nature”.  Where is the science project brigade when somebody receives a prosthetic limb?  That is the clearest example in my book of playing god and combining science with the human body (aka creating a cyborg).  Where were these warriors of the natural order of things when a pair of conjoined twins gets separate?  I do not see any nasty memes disparaging the pair of twins who improved their life using dare I say it – science.  Last time I checked, we applaud the survivors and medical experts.  These examples are much more of a science project in my book than Caitlyn Jenner.  And why is science project being used as a negative?  A science project teaches us (through convenient poster board format) something we didn’t know.  Using science project as the go to insult becomes just another example of how anti-intellectual and scientific this country is. 

Plus with the amount of pills and medicine we put into our bodies we are all as much a “science project” as Caitlyn Jenner.  I want to see the medicine cabinets and medical histories of the people yelling the science project insult at Caitlyn Jenner.  How many of them have taken mood or body altering prescription pills?  How many have used modern medicine to heal their wounds or to feel better?  Sounds to me like these people are utilizing that evil science to help them lead the life they want to live.  If you want to look for a people who are untouched by scientific help I guess the only pure humans are tribes in the Amazon who have never had human contact or the Amish. So it’s looking like a small list.  I do not know the details of Caitlyn Jenner’s transition but to me I simply see somebody who has taken steps to become her real self and live the life she sees fit.  Why this being dubbed a science project is beyond me.  To all the people yelling science project at Caitlyn Jenner as an insult I’d say to stop being a bigot and an idiot and take a look at your daily routine.  I bet you’re more of a science project than this brave woman.       

Nerd Prom and Our Journalists Suck

Prom is presented as a treat for graduating students.  The administration makes it clear that you only get to attend prom if you are passing all your classes and don’t get suspended.  Graduation I was told is for the parents, while prom is for the students.  Prom is a privilege, not a guarantee.  This brings us to the White House Correspondence’s Dinner which is otherwise known as “Nerd Prom”.  Here all the people in the news media get to dress to the nines and dine with celebrities while watching the president and a top notch comedian shoot barbs at the political and media scene.  From the looks of the whole gathering, “nerd prom” sounds like quite a scene.  But as previously mentioned prom is a privilege, not a right.  So why does the media get to celebrate themselves with celebrities and comedians when they obviously do not deserve it?

When was the last time you saw something from a news network that actually made a positive difference?  When was the last time a journalist from one of the big three or from one of the cable news behemoths did something worthy of admiration and not of scorn or mockery?  These guys do a terrible job and the proof of this is that Jon Stewart is considered the most trusted “newsman” in America.  It’s come to us praising a topical comedian, a brilliant one albeit, over real news people.  Think about the accomplishments of the two competing sides of late.  Jon Stewart helped to get the 9/11 1^st Responders Bill passed through Congress while the news media covered what was being said on Twitter.  Jon Stewart rallied against the reporting on the 2008 financial crises while the news media just sat there and took the side of Wall Street.  Where was the 4^th estate on that one?  Today Jon Stewart isn’t the main go to for news anymore; it’s another comedian John Oliver.  Last Week Tonight with John Oliver has garnered more praise and hit on more stories than the media ever cares to cover.  He goes deep into a story and doesn’t play to corporate interests.  He is a comedian doing a better job at journalism than the people who went to school for it.  If anything he should be at “nerd prom” while the rest of these phonies should be at home sulking over the terrible job they’ve been doing.

The media doesn’t deserve a night of celebration because they suck.  They don’t deserve to get roasted by comedians like Cecily Strong, Joel McHale, or Conan O’Brien because a roast implies some level of respect between the participants.  Watching the speeches of these comedians is great because they obviously don’t like the people they are roasting, similar to watching the roasts of Justin Bieber or Donald Trump.  The comedians have been following in the vein of Stephen Colbert and just taking it to our fourth estate and their lack of vigilance.  For that I enjoy “nerd prom” because it reminds me of Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globes.  It’s good when those in a bubble are forced to confront the fact that not everything they do is gold.  I enjoy seeing the rich and powerful squirm and get offended over a few jokes.  So I have nothing but praise for these comedians because they are doing a great service in my mind.  Plus it’s impossible to follow the performance that was Stephen Colbert in 2006.  Nothing will ever top that speech but I welcome those who try.

In conclusion, unless the press corps decides to do a better job they should not be allowed to have nerd prom.  You have to earn prom and so far nothing I’ve seen these journalists is anywhere close to earning a glamorous night out with celebrities who are only there to be seen.  In short I close with this new rule from Bill Maher who sums up my disgust with the news best:

Pinocchio: The Most Disturbing Children's Film of All Time

Today I’ll be continuing my look back at Disney by reviewing Pinocchio, or the most disturbing kid’s movie of all time.  Let’s begin shall we (or rather I).

Pinocchio scares the hell out of me because of how the film resolves the children to donkey plot.  There is no resolution as the children get turned into donkeys and sent to salt mines and circuses.  Pinocchio escapes with the help of Jiminy Cricket and then that part of the story is completed with no questions asked.  Neither of them decides to go back and help the errant donkey children and they are content to let these children live out the rest of their days in animal slavery.  In a modern day adaptation I would have to believe this would be handled differently because there is no hope of redemption in the original.  A current Pinocchio for kids would have Pinocchio going back to save his donkey brethren with Jiminy Cricket working out a way to reverse the curse which would of course succeed and the children would be back to normal having learned their lesson.  The film would end with a capture of the coachman and a shutting down of Pleasure Island.  We’ve grow accustomed to happy endings for all (thanks in part to Disney) so to see children, even though they are bad, condemned to a life of servitude without the slightest glimmer of hope is jarring to say the least.  I would show this part of the film on the first day of kindergarten to nip in the bud any future instance of bad behavior. 

I also find this part of the story very cruel as what child doesn’t want to give up school and hard work for a life of unlimited pleasure and fun?  This part of the film reads more like propaganda for the “protestant work ethic” mentality than a guide for mischievous children.  Also, I don’t like the fact that these kids are damned for eternity because they screwed up in their youth.  Do the writers behind Pinocchio believe that once a bad kid always a bad person?  Have they no mind for the idea that children can learn and grow from mistakes and youthful malevolence to grow into contributing consumers and capitalists?  The only character allowed to learn from his mistakes is Pinocchio who isn’t even real for most of the film!  It’s nice to see that Disney believes in the one strike and you’re out policy that made this country the number one jailor in the world.

My favorite character is Honest John and the best song in the film is “Hi-Diddle-Dee-Dee”.  That fox is a great flim-flam man and I enjoy his manipulative movements and sayings.  The scene where he convinces Pinocchio he is ill is the best use of his manipulative body language and talk.  I’m always a sucker for a snake oil salesman. 

My least favorite character has to be that Jiminy Cricket.  The guy thinks he’s the end all on everything and is the worst conscious in the world.  What kind of conscious forsakes his pupil when the going gets tough or the pupil won’t listen (he abandon’s Pinocchio at least twice in the film like a quitter)?  Plus the guy has some lame one liners and a holier than thou attitude who only seems to be in it for a possible gold medal.  Get over yourself cricket man.  Plus, how was he able to breathe under water?  That was never explained.

The clocks in Gepetto’s workshop are amazing.  The variety of different singing clocks is amazing and really shows off the creativity of the visual and writing staff.  It sets the tone of what a master craftsman Gepetto is and how he deserves a better son than Pinocchio.  They could have set the whole film in his workshop showing off the different clocks he made and I would have been okay with that.

I was surprised to see that Pinocchio’s nose only grew once in the movie.  It’s the most famous visual from the film and it occurs for roughly a minute with the Blue Fairy.  I also wasn’t expecting Pinocchio to be so willing an accomplice in his own mischief.  He willingly follows Honest John even after the whole actor thing doesn’t pan out.  That has got to be either the most trustworthy or most forgiving puppet in the world.  Or maybe he just likes messing around with that insufferable Jiminy Cricket.  I must also laud that they gave the role to an actual child and let the boy sing like a believable child.  In most musicals today the kids try to sing like they’re Whitney Houston because that’s all that people applaud for and want on those singing competition shows.  It’s refreshing to hear a kid sound like a kid and not pretend to be an adult.

In conclusion Pinocchio scares the shit out of me more than when I saw it as a kid.  Let that be a lesson: never re-watch children’s movies.

Lady and the Tramp: Love, Doggystyle

For some reason I’ve been watching a fair amount of old Disney animated classics and I feel compelled to write my feelings about these old standbys.  So following in the tradition of my Sleeping Beauty essay, here comes one about everybody’s favorite mismatched pair: Lady and the Tramp.

I never realized that every dog in this film skirts the line between funny, okay stereotype to downright racist ethnic stereotype.  Those Siamese cats are on Breakfast at Tiffany’s Mickey Rooney levels of racism, but to be fair, they do have the best song in the movie.  I stand by that position.  Still I feel like dogs and cats are the best way to go for broad ethnic humor without really drawing much offense because they are just so gosh darn adorable.  It also helps to make your film during the 1950’s.  But for the record I am a fan of the old hound dog and his faulty memory.  That folksy glory day’s living hound is alright in my book.  Plus I’m convinced that the girl dog in the pound is some sort of doggie prostitute besides being a vaudeville/burlesque/showgirl of old.  I think it’s the way she covers her bangs…like a doggie whore.  Still if I were the Tramp I would have been with her instead of Lady.  The hooker dog has a sultry voice and intriguing personality as compared to the posh bland stylings of that upper class “Lady”.  She is a bore in my book and fits in perfectly with the whole blandly nice Disney princess vibe.  When will Disney make the wisecracking/ironic classic princess I demand!

For me the saddest part in the film (other than the presumed death of the hound dog) is the rejection of the Tramp’s lifestyle.  The pivotal scene is when Tramp shows Lady the hills and the mountains and the untamed forests and proclaims this land to be their kingdom.  He says we can take this land and roam around freely in a lovely bohemian existence.  Lady looks out and simply sees the manicured town and responds how she has to watch over the baby, despite the fact that there are two capable parents there.  She decides to live in boring suburbia and drags our bohemian hero down with her.  Talk about a buzzkill. 

Since when do rats have it in for babies?  Why was that rat so intent on killing or hurting that poor little infant?  It made absolutely no sense but then again I don’t have a child nor do I own any dogs nor do I live in a small town at the turn of the century.  So if I’m missing anything pardon my ignorance on the matter.

Jim’s moustache is very distracting to me.  Every time it appears I just become fixated on it and can’t look away.  It’s hypnotic in a strange way. 

The restaurant spaghetti scene is a classic of cinema but I would like to see what was happening on the other side of the equation – the paying customer side.  How long were these people waiting for their fine Italian meals and did anybody notice what was causing the delay?  I like to imagine after about a 20 minute wait a guy looks out the window to the back and sees the wait staff attending to a doggy date.  Then he angrily narrates the scene to his fellow starving patrons until they start to become belligerent and violence ensues.  Or maybe Tony’s restaurant only serves animals.  Again I wasn’t around in America at the turn of the century so I have no idea if that’s how restaurants or small town Italian eateries worked backed then.  So again I ask you to please pardon my ignorance. 

This movie is the perfect date movie.  It’s probably one of the only reasons I would have wanted to be alive and dating in the mid 50’s.  A story about a sheltered uptown Lady and a streetwise rascal Tramp is more romantic than any lame drives up to lookout/make-out/fornication point (well maybe not the last one).  Add in some lovable characters like a Scotty in a vest and scenes of Lady being a puppy and you’ve got the most adorable movie of all time.  It is a force of puppy dog love.

In closing I believe Disney should have stuck with their original title: Love, Doggystyle.  

Daffy Duck is Immortal

Daffy Duck is immortal.  The question naturally arises of how I know this fact, but people it was right before our eyes the whole damn time.  Think about how many times Daffy gets shot by Elmer Fudd in the whole duck season rabbit season trilogy and try to convince me otherwise.  I dare ya.  Daffy gets shot countless times in the face and the only consequence is that is beak gets shifted around or falls to the floor.  On occasion his eyes become bloodshot but that’s usually the worst fate to befall poor old Daffy.   Naturally, Daffy Duck is perturbed at being constantly shot by our dimmed witted gamesman, but I’d wager that his anger does not stem from the fact that he is in a great deal of pain or near death.  His anger stems from the fact that he, rather than Bugs Bunny, was shot.  After every shot to the beak, Daffy is able to rebound in a few seconds proving that either Daffy Duck is an immortal being or/and Elmer Fudd has incredibly weak but showy bullets.  I lean towards the first answer because in all these cartoons, Bugs Bunny is trying his hardest to not get shot in the face.  Plus, at the end of “Duck, Rabbit, Duck”, Daffy gets shot by 10-15 odd hunters with different guns and still makes it out alive.  Furthermore, if Elmer Fudd had truly useless bullets, Bugs would not exert maximum effort on those disguises and schemes to escape a not all that grim fate. 

There is the possibility of a third theory which proposes that Bugs Bunny recognizes the ineffectiveness of the bullets, but Elmer Fudd does not.  So to prevent Elmer Fudd from acquiring new shells and lethal ammo, Bugs keeps up this ruse.  The worst that will come out of failing with the fake bullets will be Fudd’s recognition that he is using faulty equipment and the game starts for real now.  But I don’t buy this theory because I’m pretty sure Daffy Duck would expose Elmer Fudd to his shoddy arsenal.  The bullets I say are real and Bugs Bunny is a mortal rabbit.  His mortality has forced him to adopt a clever, outwitting personality to ensure his survival.  Daffy Duck is an immortal.  He can be careless and greedy because he doesn’t have to deal with any major consequences.  Bugs Bunny must always be on edge for he lacks the luxury of immortality.   Daffy has been hit head on time and time again and still makes it out to call Bugs “despicable”.  Why Daffy Duck has it in for Bugs Bunny is a mystery, but I assume it comes out of a combination of jealousy and insecurity. 

In conclusion Daffy Duck is immortal and I’m ashamed I didn’t catch that one earlier.  That’s some egg on my face.    

A Tale of Two Sleeping Beauties

Recently I saw the movie Maleficent which I thought was a fine film bolstered by an extraordinary leading performance by Angelina Jolie.  The movie hit all the right current blockbuster notes by doing the gritty revisionist history where the bad guy isn’t all that evil but rather misunderstood and it’s really the king that’s evil (who knew a goofy cartoon king had some much evil baggage).  The story made a bit more sense than the Disney story (of course Maleficent, the most powerful fairy in the world, would immediately know where Aurora is hiding and I do buy the mini-twist that Aurora would have no connection or loyalty to her father because well he decided to lock her away and never visit), but all it made me want to do was re-watch the old Disney classic.  I recall little from the Disney story other than the fact that the Prince had even less personality than Sleeping Beauty (quite a feat) and that the whole kingdom went through a bit of a snoozing period.  Other than that, my working memory of Sleeping Beauty came through various parodies and references.  It was as a good a time as any to revisit the old classic and see if the viewing experience would be any different.  Truth be told I liked the old classic a lot more than I can remember and much more than Maleficent.  Despite recognizing and calling out every weirdness or problem I had with the film, it’s hard to deny the effortless charm that pervades through the film. 

The magic in Sleeping Beauty is that I full heartedly enjoyed the movie despite agreeing with all the criticism of the film.  Sure Princess Aurora is a damsel in distress, but she really doesn’t do anything in Maleficent either.  Prince Phillip has even less of a personality in Maleficent than he does in Sleeping Beauty (at least in the later he gets to tell a few jokes or something of the sort before totally being helped by the fairies in battle despite their insistence that he’d have to do it alone-what a bunch of liars).  Plus I like evil Maleficent.  She’s happiest when she’s being a big old meanie so who’s idea was it to paint her as a tragic figure?  Why the best scenes in Maleficent are when Angelina Jolie gets to chew some scenery playing a spiteful baddie – like in the gift giving scene and or her lame ways at making life a bit hellish for the three fairies.  The lighter scenes in Maleficent were the best parts of the film.  All the grit and grime has been done to death so it wasn’t rather exciting or shocking.  Showing an “evil character” using her magic for pettiness and personal pleasure was a welcoming change from the rote boring behavior of most magical bad guys.

Sleeping Beauty utilizes no made up fantastical creatures (aside from some weird goblins) or scenes of majestic sweeping battles but still ends up as the more magical film.  These gritty adaptions of stories miss the whole point of why fairy tale adaptions were popular in the first place.  Sometimes it’s fun to watch a light story with a happy and predictable ending.  Not everything has to be as gritty as Frank Miller’s Batman.  We can (and should) keep the pro-woman messages in these new adaptions but we don’t need to sacrifice the charm that made us enjoy these classics in the first place.  I would like to leave a fairy tale with an enchanted feeling because it’s a fucking fairy tale not Lord of the Rings.  Let’s have some tonal diversity people.  Not every fairy tale movie needs to have an epic battle scene to produce a sense of grandeur or wonder; sometimes a simple duet through an enchanted forest is all that is required.  Well one time it was, once upon a dream.

On Bringing It All Back Home's 50th Anniversary

Dylan goes electric is one of the most famous musical controversies and it still doesn’t make sense 50 years later.  It would be one thing if he turned on an electric guitar and started making bad or derivative pop music, but that didn’t happen in the spring of 1965.  For fans and some critics to call his electric/ folk-rock music a complete sellout says to me that they simply weren’t listening.  How could anyone listening to “Subterranean Homesick Blues” consider that a selling out of style?  Even the lyrics to the more romantic songs (“Love minus Zero/ No Limit” and “She Belongs to Me”) sound like nothing that had ever been recorded.  Where has anything similar to the phrase "She knows there’s no success like failure and that failure’s no success at all” ever been uttered in a love song?  Doesn’t sound much like “she loves you yeah” does it?  The language used on these songs just never existed in popular music. 

For an album regarded as the epicenter of the Dylan goes electric firestorm, I find it ironic that the best songs on his sellout album are the acoustic numbers.  Songs like “Mr. Tambourine Man”, “It’s Alright Ma (I’m only Bleeding)”, and “It’s All Over Now, Baby Blue” (a contender for my favorite song of all time) are so good that I actually considered that the folkies had a point in booing electric Dylan.  Then I went back to Side 1 and quickly cleansed my mind of such a blasphemous notion (what a drag it must have been for Dylan to see them).  It’s funny to see how music controversies have changed over the years.  We’ve moved from the sellout of musicians changing from acoustic to electric styles to the sellout of musicians going from playing instruments to creating music on computers.  I would venture that this is my generation’s Dylan goes electric controversy, but it seems to press harder on the minds of those from the generation prior to mine.  I guess ours might be making sure that a musician’s lyrics and song styles perfectly match up with our ideology and whether they challenge us in ways that we deem acceptable.  Still Dylan goes electric just seem so crazy 50 years later.  This album brought forth the greatest year and a half in musical history and for people to be mad at such genius just sounds insane.  Oh to have attended all his concerts from 1965-66 where people would booing, run around on stage, and antagonize their former hero would have been a sight to behold.  Funny that in around 4 years’ time these same rabble rousers would be wildly applauding the very same songs at the Isle of Wright, and 10 years later would be requesting them from the rafters.  It just goes to show how far ahead some people can be over the rest of us.

So on this March 22^nd, listen to at least one of the songs off “Bringing It All Back Home”.  Gaze at its intoxicating cover and get lost in the magnificent wordplay of “Gates of Eden” and “Bob Dylan’s 115^th Dream”.  This album brought to the public the image of Bob Dylan as the coolest motherfucker on the planet.  Type Bob Dylan 1965 into Google images and try to disagree with me.  It is a foolish exercise indeed.  Sit back, turn on this masterpiece of pop music and always remember that the pump don’t work because the vandals took the handles.  

House of Cards Season 3

My thoughts on the latest season of House of Cards.  Spoilers ahead because duh.

I will always love Kevin Spacey’s accent and asides to the audience.  They will never grow old to me.  This season used his fourth wall breaking device a lot less of them then before and most of them were in regards to when people went after Claire.  If anything Francis Underwood is a devoted husband.  I liked the lessened use of audience asides because it sharpened the impact of the few times he talked to the faithful viewer.  You could hear the venom when he threatened to throw President Petrov down the stairs or end Heather Dunbar after her sleazy abortion stunt.  The asides welded more gravitas and presented Frank his only real moments of unchecked power.  Only in his talks to the audience this season was Frank cock of the walk as he spent the rest of the year dealing with leaders who weren’t utterly stupid (remember President Walker) or susceptible to train collision (do I have to say who this was).  So it was pleasant to see Frank Underwood go up against real adversaries and to remember what it’s like to lose.  I do wish we had another Meechum sex scene.  That absence is unforgivable.

Robin Wright is the other highlight of House of Cards but I didn’t like her character’s ending arc.  House of Cards is never subtle and I hated how everybody she ran into all but told her to leave Frank and set out on her own.  Her leaving Frank at the end of the season makes no sense.  What is she going to do other than oppose him for President or run for congressional office?  Their evil efficient pairing was so cool and for them to split was very disheartening.  I have to agree with Frank on this argument.  Claire knew what she was getting into when they set off to make Frank President of the United States.  She would have to take the backseat for a bit because her husband is, oh I don’t know, the most powerful man in the free world.  You’d think that somebody attached to the goal of ruthless pragmatism would understand this.  Plus, he gave her so many opportunities as UN Ambassador and she failed nearly every tasked assigned to her (aside from her awesome bathroom victory over the Russian Ambassador).  She made things so much worse, especially when anybody with a Russian accent was involved.  She is at fault for her performance and they took a huge political hit when she failed at her job.  Hopefully they get back together because other than the fact that I want to see more Meechum sex scenes, I really enjoy seeing them work in tangent as a pair.  Their devious Lady Macbeth wheeling and dealings are always a pleasure to watch.  Plus, I believe that Claire Underwood would go down as one of the most fashionable first ladies of all time.  She probably has inspired millions of Buzzfeed articles in her universe about how she is a fashion icon and “flawless” along with a million other articles on how she is a feminist queen.  Her term as first lady will probably be regarded very well.

It’s hard to care about the relationship between a novelist and a reporter when the President of Russia and the United States are about five minutes from fighting each other to the death in the Jordan Valley.  The stakes for a trite love affair do not concern me when you have the ultra-compelling characters of Frank and Claire Underwood.  Everything else is just small potatoes.  Also why does Frank think that a novel on America Works will turn the tide?  He’s better off making a Funny or Die video like Obama did for healthcare or doing a ton of viral videos.  Who wants to read a book when you can see Frank Underwood using a selfie stick while talking about how you are entitled to nothing.

And another thing, when would a Democrat ever be against entitlements?  Cutting entitlements is a Republican thing so I find it hard to believe that he wouldn’t have all the Republicans on his side for his America Works program.  Sometimes I think they made Frank a Democrat so not to attract criticism about House of Cards being another Hollywood show mocking conservatives.  Frank Underwood is at best a blue dog Democrat and at worst a full on Republican.

Doug Stamper continues to be the creepiest fucking person in the world.  Everything about him is creepy.  His apartment is bland, grey, pristinely clean, and a step away from having a refrigerator full of severed heads.  His two timing of Heather Dunbar was fun to see but enough with the Rachel plot, my goodness.  The whole hacker guy plot was doubly pointless as well.  Nobody cares what happens to Rachel unless she went up and confessed about Peter Russo.  Still though, Doug killing Cassie/Rachel was one of the best shots of the finale.  That quick cut from car coming down the road to him burying her was cold, brutal, and efficient.  They transitioned so fast I didn’t even have time to react.  Plus it’s always nice to have your Chief of Staff go missing for a week before the all-important Iowa Caucus where you’re neck and neck with a challenger.  Great planning.

I really enjoyed the debate scene between Frank Underwood, Jackie Sharp, and Heather Dunbar.  It felt like a Republican primary with how brutal they all went at each other (you go Jackie Sharp).  Just great stuff and it was a welcome change to see Frank Underwood dominating in a political arena.  You can’t beat him in the political arena; you can only stoop down to his level as Heather Dunbar saw with her extortion attempt.  His line “you’rr finally one of us” was great.  Pit-bull Frank Underwood is a force to be reckoned with.

I’d like to see them check in on Remy next season and see him as a monk or working some blue collar job but loving life.  The more clichéd the better I say.

Overall, this is the perfect show for bingeing because you don’t have time to think about how dumb the politics of the show really are.  It’s enjoyable and campy and every episode feeds seamlessly into the next.  I enjoyed how they were a bit more flexible in episode running times this season as the shows ran from 40 minutes to an hour.  There is no need to pad out an episode to an hour if the story doesn’t demand it.  I felt that they didn’t stretch out as much this year and let the stories have the length that they deserved.  Here’s to a yearlong wait to the best binger online.   

The Next Daily Show Host

Nobody has summed up the whole Jon Stewart leaving the Daily Show situation better than the man of the hour himself.  He has mocked the weird tributes and eulogies that propped up hours before and after his official announcement which seemed to position him as a man recently deceased (Derek Jeter said similar things during his own Viking funeral, remarking how he felt like he was at his own funeral after watching the tributes roll in).  Last night on the show, Jon Stewart did some good old fashioned Fox bashing with the twist of mocking their reaction to his tenure on the Daily Show.  Go out and watch it because there is nothing better than when Jon Stewart mocks those at Bullshit Mountain.  For the porpoises (I have a large dolphin readership and I’ve wanted to make that pun for a long while, a long, long while) of this essay/writing piece/ one way communique, I have decided to throw out a couple names for people who would host the hell out of the Daily Show franchise.  I’ve thought long and hard about it and here are my suggestions:

Sarah Silverman

Norm MacDonald

Take a minute and soak in those names.  Both are master comedians with a rapier wit and penchant for unpredictability and fearlessness.  Neither one caves to convention or the powers that be and would keep the Daily Show required viewing.  Sarah Silverman has become more overtly political over the years with her great PSA’s on abortion rights and telling your grandma to vote for Obama.  She would be a more than worthy successor and would break the boy’s club that is the late night comedy scene.  Plus, on a personal level, I would enjoy seeing a late night host on television that is Jewish (hard to believe but Stewart is the only Jewish late night host-obligatory joke about all the writers being Jewish) and brings that culture to the foreground.  It’s always nice to see some Jewish jokes done by somebody in the know.  Plus, a highlight for me each year is seeing Jon Stewart take down the phony War on Christmas with the insight of a Jewish outsider.  This always makes the Hannukah candles hanging from my Christmas Tree last that much longer.    Sarah Silverman is not afraid to be controversial and will gladly not kowtow to any talking points spewing guest and would thusly be a great interviewer.  I remember how she had a tiff with the Ted Talks guy (they asked her to do a speech and then got mad when she did in fact do her planned speech) and flat out owned him on social media and started a discussion about what is wrong with Ted Talks.  Sarah Silverman is a great comedian and I have loved her specials in the past and would be very excited to see her take over for Jon Stewart.

SNL 40 reawakened my love of Norm MacDonald.  The way he introduced Chevy Chase with nary a care in the world made me go back and watch his specials and old Weekend Update bits.  He is a master of the long pause and has a charmingly blasé attitude to whatever is occurring.  Watch his interview on Letterman after he was fired from Weekend Update to catch my drift.  The man has been fired from his job that very day and discusses it in a casual “eh what are you gonna do about” way.  He is a great talk show guest and good interviewer as well, so that part of the show will never be a problem.  He’ll always procure something interesting or strange out of a guest and is one of the wittiest guests ever (again pull up any interview with him on Conan O’Brien – especially the one where he’s talking about a Carrot Top movie).  Norm MacDonald has done political material, but the Daily Show doesn’t need to be overtly political.  I would expect the new host to change the format or focus a bit and mold it to their strengths.  Norm MacDonald would be an interesting host and can weave quite a great story (follow him on Twitter where he has crafted fascinating yarns about Bob Dylan and Eddie Murphy at SNL 40).  So I say Norm MacDonald for the Daily Show.  Or if he doesn’t get it, how about Frank Stallone.  

Very Accurate and Specific Oscar Predictions

Behold my Oscar predictions!  Below lies nothing but the finest and most accurate soon to be revelations on what will occur at the 2015 Oscar award ceremony.  So lean forward into the glowing light of your computer screen, destroy your posture and eyesight, and marvel at what will soon be absolute fact.  Enjoy!

Call me crazy but the women at the show will wear dresses and the men will wear tuxedos.  Also the winner of best manicure will be Clint Eastwood.  It won’t even be close.

Neil Patrick Harris will do a rap at some point and will garner so much acclaim for his hosting performance that he will achieve his lifelong goal of never having to host the Tony Awards again.

The show will start at exactly 8:30 eastern time.  The information button on the remote never lies.

You will change the channel at 9:30 only to turn back to the broadcast at around 11:30 and be shocked that it’s still on and that they haven’t even announced best actor yet.  Yeesh this show is long.

The Jews that control Hollywood will put out eight anti-American messages that only Rudy Giuliani and other “true Americans” will be able to spot.

There will be a really lame Kanye West joke told during the ceremony.  It will be dead on arrival and only provoke a modicum of pity laughter.  The pity laugher will be immediately ejected from the auditorium and given a job writing jokes for next year’s ceremony.

Fret not; there will be more than enough lotion to sustain the three and half circle jerk that is the Oscars.  Your concern is noted though and appreciated.   

Something stupid like a weird face or dumb looking clap or innocent mispronunciation will replace Kanye West as our new played out national punch line.

When Selma wins for best song, Hollywood will congratulate itself for putting the final nail in the coffin of racism.  Conservatives will counter by saying this win proves racism has been solved for quite a while.

A very famous actor will extol the virtues of original screenplays and smaller budgeted pictures before signing on to star in a reboot of a blockbuster superhero franchise later in the night.

The same critics and cultural writers that complain about the Oscars will be the very same ones that spend the next week writing the same tired and annoying thinkpieces that will clog up every website you used to enjoy/tolerate. 

Jennifer Lawrence will do something that we would have found endearing two years ago but now we view as fake and totally annoying.  Ew way to be a try hard.

People will applaud during the in-memoriam failing to realize that death is not a popularity contest.

I predict that these predictions will all come true.  Call it the perfect way to end a perfect set of perfect predictions.  Aren’t I just the living end?

SNL 40 Recap

What I liked on SNL 40

• I enjoyed the Steve Martin opening monologue mainly because Steve Martin is still one of the funniest people on the planet.  The man is effortlessly hilarious and his red carpet line had me in stiches.  The cavalcade of stars that followed was fun as well with Chris Rock scoring a great line about his lack of airtime (also I wish Billy Crystal had more to do during the proceedings).  The only thing missing from the trifecta of great returning hosts (Baldwin, Martin, and Hanks) was an appearance by Christopher Walken.  That was a missed opportunity and one of the show’s returning champions should have been given something more to do than introduce Kanye West.

• Martin Short came out and proved he is the ultimate showman.  It was totally fine that he didn’t do a character because his routine was hilarious and Maya Rudolph does the best Beyoncé.  The musical numbers were great but way to short (only one line from Opera Man?) but it was great to see Joe Pisicopo (Phil Hartman is still the better Sinatra) and Bill Murray stole the entire show with Nick the Lounge Singer.  The Jaws theme has never sounded better.

• I liked the idea of performing updated classic sketches (save the Californians) with a mix of old and new cast members.  That was a novel idea and Celebrity Jeopardy and Wayne’s World were still hilarious.  It’s interesting how these guys can write and perform a decades old sketch and still have it come out fresh and funny as if no time had passed at all.  My special kudos goes to Dan Aykroyd who did the Bassomatic 2150 with the same energy as he did in the 70’s.  That was a great and unexpected callback. 

• The Andy Samberg and Adam Sandler digital short was another highlight of the night because it seemed to be written for both the audience and the viewers at home (more on this later).  It had a self-awareness that was nice on such a bloated and self-congratulating night.  Well played gentlemen and take that Jimmy Fallon. 

• Louis CK gave the best clip introduction of the night by saying something a lot of us have pondered over the years.  Listen to Louis CK SNL!

• The auditions were fascinating and I wished they would put them out on DVD.  You could tell off that bat that John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Dana Carvey, and Phil Hartman would turn into SNL legends.  The failed auditions off Jim Carrey, Stephen Colbert, and Kevin Hart were equally fascinating.  What could have made Lorne Michaels say no to Jim Carrey?  I’d love to see the audition to know why.

• It was fun to see the selection of greatest hits clips, but they felt like the only part of the show that was way too short.  It would have been great if they focused some more time on a selection of classic bits than on let’s say extraneous and strained Robert DeNiro introductions and other musical performances.  That would have been cool and a better tribute to the show. 

• The SNL in memoriam segment hit harder than any Grammy, Oscar, or Emmy one combined.  Who wouldn’t want to see what such greats as John Belushi, Gilda Radner, Phil Hartman, Chris Farley, and Tom Davis would have done throughout the years.  At least they leave a plethora of great work.

• Jon Lovitz got some airtime in some hilarious reaction shots (but it would have been awesome if he played the pathological liar).  Tim Meadows had a great line of “why are you surprised” during the question and answer session and Ellen Cleghorne had some good remarks as well.  Plus Larry David is the ultimate off the cuff riffer (I want to believe it was a riff).  Him and Seinfeld are always…gold Jerry, pure gold Jerry!

• Weekend Update was a pleasant nostalgia trip with Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Jane Curtin (who had that great dig at Fox News and sadly the best joke on Weekend Update in months).  The twist of having Emma Stone, Melissa McCarthy, and Ed Norton do old characters was not bad.  It was another great self-aware moment because who among us hasn’t come in on a Monday trying to imitate a great SNL sketch, only to perform it in the most mangled adaptation ever.  I remember singing “Lazy Sunday” to anybody who would listen and then getting punched in the face repeatedly after refusing to “stop ruining the bit”.

• Norm McDonald’s charm has always been that he doesn’t give a fuck and his ultra-casual introduction of Chevy Chase was hilarious (and the added bonus of seeing Garrett Morris didn’t hurt).  Norm McDonald is one of the few cast members who seems like he can make any other cast member laugh at will.  Plus I did enjoy seeing Kevin Nealon do some Mr. Subliminal. 

What I didn’t like on SNL 40

• It was weird of them to omit Cecily Strong from the Weekend Update host montage.  She did it for a full season and wasn’t terrible.  If you’re going to show everybody and Colin Jost, why not include Cecily Strong who is in the cast right now!  Why make such a blunder?

• Eddie Murphy got the greatest introduction and a standing ovation and then said thank you and promptly left.  Did he not want to do anything?  Hell he could have told some jokes or at least introduced a compilation of clips about his era?  This was the biggest disappointment of the show.  Eddie Murphy is arguably the biggest star to come out of SNL and when he finally returns they give him nothing to do.  Simply terrible planning.  It always seems weird when people like Eddie Murphy or Martin Short show up because they represent the non-Lorne Michaels years that people very much enjoyed.  They are the bastard children that SNL hates to admit happened because it distracts from the Lorne Michaels is a genius narrative.  Still, it was nice to see Mr. Fuck You Man on the stage.  Maybe he’ll host soon.

• The biggest omissions to the night were Christopher Guest, Dennis Miller, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus.  Dennis Miller was ranked as one of the best Update Hosts and was the first one of note since Jane Curtin.  You can’t talk about Weekend Update without mentioning Dennis Mille who, along with Jon Lovitz, saved the show from certain cancellation.  It would have been great to see him behind the desk with Dana Carvey and Tom Hanks doing their impressions babe.  A missed opportunity for sure.  As for Christopher Guest, you must invite the man who directed Synchronized Swimming (and where was Harry Shearer).  That absence is unforgivable I say!  Julia Louis-Dreyfus was the first female cast member to host the show and is one of their most successful and famous cast members.  Where was she?

• The Californians is the one sketch from the modern era they want to bring back?  It dragged on and on and on with pointless cameos (save Laraine Newman and Betty White) until it was mercifully brought to an end by David Spade.  Wish he got to do more than just a quick one minute bit.

• The audience for SNL was terrible and it was noticeably awful as some sketches and jokes and guest appearances didn’t get the laughs and applause they deserved.  An audience of Hollywood greats and insiders don’t get excited for random celebrity appearances because they deal with these people every day.  When a random guest steps on the stage during a normal taping of SNL the crowd loses their shit because they don’t normally see celebrities in their daily lives.  It changed the dynamic of the show because the cast had to perform to two distinct audiences; a cold insider one who attended to be seen and the normal viewers at home who watch the program every week.  The audience should have been filled out by some old cast members, crew and cast family members, and SNL super fans.  Have a contest and pick 50 or so SNL super fans to attend the taping.  Then the building would be brimming with excitement.  Hollywood insiders and A-list celebrities cannot match the excitement that would have been generated with an audience of super fans.

• Why invite Miley Cyrus on if you don’t want her to perform a Miley Cyrus song?  Why would she perform a Paul Simon song when Paul Simon is backstage?  It makes no sense.  Also enough with the Kanye jokes yeesh.  If anything it reminded us of the long held SNL tradition of running things into the ground.  The musical performances I thought were extraneous and the time could have been better spent on more clips and more Eddie Murphy.  Paul Simon makes sense because he’s been on the show a million times, but Miley Cyrus?  Not as much (even if she did do a fine job on her song).

• They should have had a moment where they brought the original cast (and Bill Murray) out to soak up a well-deserved standing ovation.  To see them on the stage together would have been great.  Hell they should have brought out all the different casts together and arranged them by era.  That would have been cool to see.

• The show was so long, so very long.  I can’t imagine what the 50^th anniversary will be like.

Feel free to comment with your favorite/least favorite moments below!