Subway Musings

Subway Musings:

That girl in the Dr. Zizmor subway acne ad still doesn’t look so hot after she got her skin cleared.  She went from having some terrible acne to looking like the before picture in a weight watchers ad.  Plus the photo they use of her in the after shot looks like it has been heavily bleached.  She nearly changes ethnicities from picture to picture.  I’d love to see what she looks like today and if she has ever had to sit on the subway staring at her old acned face.  Imagine being reminded everyday on your morning commute on how ugly you once looked.  Now imagine that millions of people get to share in your disgust.  Sounds like the life to me!

I hate when people asking for money on the subway can’t finish their speech before the next stop.  These people should know how long each stop is and should have everything timed perfectly.  Its shoddy craftsmanship is what it is.  You have to know the restraints of your location.  Begging on the subway is an art and a skill.  You have to be able to sell to the rush hour Wall Street crowd and the midnight L train brigade.  Change it up, vary your word choice, and tailor you’re the lengths of your speeches (I cannot emphasize this point enough).   Hit all the major points (I’m out of work, been looking for a job, 2-3 kids) within no more than halfway to the next stop.  You don’t want to finish giving the speech of your career just for the doors to open on Canal Street and everybody to leave.  That’s not good begging.  Look to the subway dancers and jumpers.  They have their acts expertly timed to include both entertainment and money asking.  Watch them for a week or two.  Study how they time every single little detail.  Take some notes and put it all together and beg on the 6 train like a champ.

Those New York City Public Health posters are the scariest things on the subway.  All their ads are about paying child support, getting tested for venereal diseases, and losing your hearing.  Never a have a nice day post.  There’s always an ad with a picture of a baby crying or a young woman looking into an uncertain, but mostly likely miserable future.  And more importantly, what kind of parent would put their baby up as the poster child for practicing birth control?  I hope this kid never sees that he was the reason so many New Yorkers chose not to have a child.  Just one look at his crying mug and we all double timed it to Duane Reade.  Nothing says self-confidence like knowing you played the part of an unwanted child in a birth control ad.   

The subway.  Oh what wonders will you behold to our smiling and disheveled populace next?  Will it be a bum jerking off to the women sitting across from him?  Or will a race war break out late one night in the outer boroughs?  Only another magical ride will tell.