Here are some predictions for 2014: with one hopeful prediction,
one realistic prediction, and one bold prediction.
US FOREIGN POLICY
Hopeful: We make some progress in our peace talks with Iran
and we start leaving the countries we occupy.
Realistic: The status quo remains; we find a new country to
get mad at.
Bold: We finally invade and conquer Canada, finishing the
job we started in 1812.
YANKEES
Hopeful: The Yankees win the 2014 World Series and set
themselves up beautifully for a future dynasty,
Realistic: The Yankees go far in the playoffs but are
unprepared for the next few seasons.
Bold: Alex Rodriguez becomes Commissioner of Baseball and orders
executions of all who stand in his way as supreme leader of the Baseball
Federation.
KNICKS
Hopeful: The Knicks turn it around and make a run at respectability
and win some playoff games.
Realistic: Knick fans continue to be amazed at the news
surrounding the world’s most dysfunctional team.
Bold: Knick fans protest a horribly run franchise by only
selling out 90% of the remaining home games.
PRESIDENT OBAMA
Hopeful: Obama starts to act like a leader and doesn’t take
no shit from these Republicans.
Realistic: A hard
road of bitterly fought compromises and half deals coupled with more damning
revelations about our true secret government.
Bold: President Obama starts to act like Candidate Obama (this
is a pipe dream).
MIDTERM ELECTIONS
Hopeful: A real seismic
change occurs in Congress which means an incumbency rate of only 85%.
Realistic: A semi-seismic change occurs in Congress which
means an incumbency rate of only 90%.
Bold: The Earth shatters as Congress yields only an
75% incumbency rate. Oh the humanity!
PRIVATE TRANSPORTATION
Hopeful: We start to
use more environmentally friendly vehicles because c’mon already, my god.
Realistic: People who
drive those tiny, electric cars will be mocked on a continuous loop.
Bold: Flying cars or
jetpacks. Please!
WOMEN’S ISSUES
Hopeful: Women are
finally able to live in a progressive, 21st century world away from
all the regressive morons.
Realistic: A million
think piece articles on why _____ is/ isn’t a feminist.
Bold: A man says something
stupid about rape. I mean, what other
stupid shit is left to say?
RACISM
Hopeful: Every
Confederate flag gets taken down and burned and we put a moratorium on people
shouting reverse racism.
Realistic: Al
Sharpton at the center of an event that doesn’t really concern him.
Bold: Each race picks
a champion and a race war battle royal commences to determine the superior race
for the calendar year. The results are
final and there is no complaining.
BOB DYLAN
Hopeful: Bob Dylan
tours again and plays some crazy set lists with some crazy guests.
Realistic: Bob Dylan tours again and plays some crazy set
lists.
Bold: Bob Dylan plays Blonde
on Blonde in order for a concert.
Insanity ensues.
MOVIES
Hopeful: We stop splitting movies into millions of parts.
Realistic: Hunger
Games Mockingjay Part 2: The End Part 3: The Real Beginning of the End
Bold: The Oscars Ceremony
lasts for 8 hours - another example of how the Jews run Hollywood
TV
Hopeful: All the shows I enjoy watching come back strong.
Realistic: A new show
comes on that everybody likes and I don’t watch out of spite, only to find out
3 years later it was amazing and I was an idiot.
Bold: Arrested
Development movie/season 5 comes out.
Please.
MUSIC
Hopeful: Bassface
becomes all the rage.
Realistic: The noose
around the music industry grows ever tighter.
Bold: The Grammy’s
honor talent and skill rather than who can get them the biggest ratings.
THE FATE OF THE AUTHOR
Hopeful: Become rich
and famous and beloved for my expert writings and careful witticisms.
Realistic: Win the
lottery and stop writing these god awful blog posts.
Bold: Beat my brother
in a game of paddleball.
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