The War on Christmas

Santa Claus is a foreign concept to me.  For as long as I could remember I never believed in this jolly, fat man who traveled across the world giving presents to all the good boys and girls, but that may be due to the fact that I celebrated a lesser December celebration, the one with the candles and the weird top.  You know, the holiday that got the jingle ball rolling on the War on Christmas and with the help of our atheist allies will continue our work to dismantle a holiday that everybody loves and worships.  Yep, that’s why I say Happy Holidays rather than Merry Christmas.  I want everybody to feel the pain of belonging to an inclusive December rather than focusing on the holiday that orphans many young pine trees.  My holiday simply just lights innocent candles on fire for 8 nights.  We are dismantling the establishment, and sometimes from the inside.

If you went to any SantaCon event yesterday, you may have seen a multitude of naughty Saint Nicholas’s not living up to their saintly images.  They may have been standing in the middle of the street yelling and vomiting, or have been peeing all over Tompkins Square Park, or they may have simply just been stumbling and bumbling around town.  To the untrained eye, this was just a group of bridge and tunnel people traveling to our fair city attempting to compensate for their own meaningless suburban lives.  Now, you would be right with some of these people, but to the eye that has witnessed the inner sanctum of the masterminds behind the War of Christmas, SantaCon was one of our most ingenious coups.  What better way to turn the public against Christmas than to corrupt their incorruptible leader?  This is a man so universally beloved that we forget the fact that he utilizes a work force of enslaved elves (there is a great youtube documentary on this).  So what better way to turn the tide in the War against Christmas than to have their Saintly leader puking in front of impressionable children on the corner of 9^th Street and 2^nd avenue?  Every time you saw a Santa stiff a bar tab, or an elf grope anything with legs, that was our doing.  We had courageous men and women brave the cold and the snow and the Jersey crowd to do their part for the cause.  And they did it beautifully.  If anybody saw the Miss Claus fight right outside of Penn Station, you know what I mean.   

Now that SantaCon has ended,  the War on Christmas still rages on in its quest to destroy a holiday that has engulfed 4 month of the year and you’ll just have to guess what our next strike will be.  Obviously we have done a great job fighting Christmas due to the fact that only 95% of the people in this country celebrate it (30 years ago it was 95.6%).  It’s just a matter of time before we revert Christmas back into the pagan winter solstice celebration it started as and make people celebrate Christmas on Christ’s actual birthday or another random day.  Won’t that be a riot?  Imagine celebrating Christmas in a month other than December?  How stupid would that be?   I mean Christmas in July?  How dumb is that?