The Perfect Employee

Some Tips on Being the Perfect Employee:

Underdress at all times.  Nothing says a try-hard like wearing a suit or even a button up shirt.  Way to try hard try-hard. 

Do your best to instill a strong sense of distrust and dissent into your coworkers.  Do this by slowly convincing them that the work they are all doing is utterly pointless and vaguely evil. 

Provoke your fellow employees until they cause you physical or emotional harm that will lead to a big cash settlement and an early retirement.  Make sure to doctor all tapes and sound to make you the clear cut victim.  Also, make sure to not fall for any tricks at the hearing or arbitration.  If you have a neck brace and somebody makes a large noise behind you, resist the urge to instinctively turn your head that way.  That juts looks bad. 

Make sure to not talk about work related matters when your boss walks into the room.  We want our employer to think we have a life outside of this soul crushing job. 

Office gossip can be harmful to team morale and can make going to work a living nightmare for most people.  Those people are pussies.  It is your job to destroy them to keep our glorious company for the mentally strong. 

It is natural to feel some jealousy and resentment when your colleagues get promoted around you.  Turn those negative feelings around with an intricate plot of revenge.  That’ll teach those little try-hards. 

I hate try-hards.  Mock every try-hard at the office even if that means mocking yourself you little fucking try-hard.

Resist the urge to enjoy your work.  Enjoying what you do is the first of 3 steps to selling out and becoming a shell of the person you always wanted to be.

If they are asking for it, sexually harass that person.  Corporate will understand (chances are they are doing it right now).

If a colleague tells an unfunny joke, don’t laugh.  It will only encourage them.  Yell “haha, NOT FUNNY”.  Repeat this until they get the message.

When at an office party, only hook up with somebody in the copy room or on a copy machine.  Provide the room or the machine if the party location does not have either. 

Proudly display a countdown clock of how many more hours you’ll have to spend with these insufferable morons and their “important work”.