Telling Time

Telling time is a ritual as old as the stars and as old as the fiery pit of eternal damnation that awaits a plethora of sinners or the odd Italian poet taking a delightful, insightful Sunday excursion.  So to put it shortly, knowing how to tell time is important.  Not Cuban missile crisis aversion important, but Gulf of Tonkin Resolution important.  So, judge it as you may.  Now to tell time, simply take out your smartphones and click the button that turns on your screen.  This may be the power button, or you may have to tap your screen a few times.  When the screen lights up, there should be 3-4 numbers stretched out horizontally across the screen.  Read the numbers and boom, time is told.  Any questions?  Yes, you in the back.  Yes, you, who else is raising their hand in the back?  Wait, whatdya mean you don’t have a smartphone.  You have a watch?  With big hands and little hands?  That’s absurd.  Children call that boy in the back absurd to reinforce how silly and poor this young man is.  You all don’t have smartphones?  Okay I see my mistake.  I didn't just mean smartphones.  Take out a flip phone or something of the sort.  Hell it could be a burner phone.  Just take out a phone or electronic device and read the numbers on it.  That’s how you tell time.  Jesus Christ, what year is this people?  1965?  For real? Of course, it all makes sense.  No wonder you guys all understood that Tom Jones eating joke.  And to think I thought you guys were well cultured.

1965, eh.  That’s a shocker.  I must use my future knowledge for good.  Children, heed my  warnings!  When I say these next words picture my voice wavering like that of a ghost.  No, it doesn’t have to be a ghost, but I would prefer ghostly tone.   Listen for once children!  Now, in my ghost voice, I warn thee to not roast Chevy Chase as it will be incredibly uncomfortable for all in attendance.  Also, make sure Abraham Lincoln doesn’t go to Ford’s Theater.  Also – what is it now?   Lincoln’s dead, a hundred years ago?  Oh, so strike that one.  Also, tell your parents not to vote for Nixon.  He’ll do something so terrible that it will scar our faith in politics for years to – what’s he gonna do?  What do you think that tricky man is up to?  Wow, well done.  You rally pinned that one right on the nose.  Now who will star in the movie about the reporters who take him down – right again!  You kids are smart.  Wow, he hasn’t even done The Graduate yet.  Well done children, I am impressed.  Do I have anymore what?  Warnings?  Oh yeah, uh, don’t worry about Vietnam, you kids should be alright.  The next one is the real one to be worried about.  Grenada.  Children, I’d start studying for that one now.  My bet is that half of ya won’t make it through that one.  Ah, I’m just messing with you guys.  This future power is fun. 

Jesus, when does this class end, at 45?  Well it’s 42 now, so you guys can talk to yourselves or, emphasis on the or, you can ask me more questions about the future.  Talk to yourselves, huh.  Fine, I guess you don’t want to hear music from the FUTURE.  No, you don’t care.  Fine, whatever you ungrateful children.  Talk amongst yourselves and make sure Lincoln doesn't step foot inside that theater!