The Letdown

The Letdown

There is that moment when it is all over.  You have finished the last page of the epilogue of the last book in the saga.  The about the author page is the only thing left to read at this point.  The author’s biography is the same as the last books, except for the fact that she has now become one of the richest people in the world.  Nothing you’ve just read eases that weird feeling of ending such a time spanning literary event.  You stay there consoling yourself with thoughts of “at least there are two more movies left”.  Those will be interesting.  But now two years have passed and you’ve just walked out of a crowded movie theater.  The film didn’t have a fun after the credits scene or anything to stop the inevitable from happening.  It is truly over.  Now, it is time to wrap yourself into a new spanning sensation.  Start by marveling at the dawn of a dominant new pitcher.  But nineteen years down the road, that career is coming to a close and you have the same feeling you had before.  A feeling of emptiness.  The television series that has enthralled you with many a twist and turn, the well-used guest stars, and the moments of earth shattering laughter and soul crushing drama is soon coming to an end.  No celebratory last episode party can stop the emptiness from creeping in.  The finale ends and it was good, but the show is still over.  A movie based on the television show is the only glimmer of hope you have left to see your favorite characters again.  But for some reason the movie is in infinite hiatus.  Emptiness has appeared once again.  But the emptiness doesn’t just arrive at the fade out in the closing scene of the epic movie trilogy or even in the last chapter of the thirteen book series.  It again arrives at the conclusion of the 224 page standalone novel which moved you for a good day and caused endless thoughts on the themes. We can call the feeling the emptiness or my preferred term, the letdown.

It’s such a peculiar feeling, the letdown.  All these matters discussed usually have no dire consequences.  Watching the end of a long running series has no effect on our physical health.   It just sucks.  Watching a piece of pop culture end is just a sad thing.  It signals an end to the familiar and something we held as supremely comforting.  There was always that episode to look forward to each week from September to May.  Every Thanksgiving was punctuated by the release of another movie in the series.  Nothing was more fun than the anticipation of the furthered exploits of your favorite gang.  Questions would arise like how is the next movie going to top this one?  Or will the author turn it around because that last book sucked?  When the letdown happens these questions cease to exist.  There is no thrill or anticipation.  You have to find a new obsession or interest.  Now that your favorite band is on hiatus the emptiness begins to freely run through you.  It is a fear that we will never be able to love something as trivial so dearly again.  In the end a favorite movie director simply makes movies that you happen to enjoy.  In the grand scheme of things it really doesn’t add up to much.  Your love and admiration for something so seemingly trivial though, is a feat to be admired.  Putting time, meaning, and effort into a series of books or a baseball player’s stellar career is a matter of intense devotion.  A celebration should be had for those who accomplish such a wondrous feat.    

If the penalty for having devotion and love for any form of popular culture is the letdown, I will gladly accept and welcome it.  The letdown is a sad and existential gnawing at the inevitability of time, but it also represents the opportunity to delve into another obsession.  The only way to get through a letdown is to get into something else.  To beat the letdown, savor the thrill of reading something new.  Marvel at watching a young team with a core of exciting players develop towards greatness.  Enjoy the meteoric rise of a new musical talent.  When those new passions end, and the letdown begins to rear that familiar face, greet it as an old friend.  Let it consume you for a bit, but then take its’ hand and walk on with it towards the next thrill and passion and enjoy the process together as two old friends.

American Travel Guide Part IX: Pacific Coast

American Travel Guide Part IX: Pacific Coast

The Pacific region is like no other area in America.  So take it easy and enjoy this last section of the travel guide with my tips to visiting the Pacific Coast of America.

California

When entering Los Angeles, remember to keep an award acceptance speech in your pocket.  You never know when it will come in handy.

Walk around Muir Woods making a chainsaw noise for as long as you can.

Remember, if you leave too many vital organs in San Francisco, you will die.

Not everybody in Los Angeles is in show business.  When you find one of these people, ask them why they choose another profession knowing that there’s no business like show business.

Oregon

Walk around Salem calling everyone a witch.  If somebody says you’re in the wrong Salem, scream louder.  That person is probably the head witch.

Portland is famous for being a place to live out the dream of the 1990’s and the 1890’s.  So don’t come here if you are planning to live out the dream of the 1790’s.

If you can make it to Oregon without three members of your party dying of cholera, you’ve done it right.

Washington

Any resident not wearing a piece of flannel clothing is not a true Seattle local.  Ask them how it feels to be a poseur.

Washington has many beautiful totem poles.  Take some home.  Who’s going to notice?

Throw fish to the people at Pike Place Market who look like they deserve a fish in the face.

Alaska

Marvel at the natural beauty that only Alaska could sustain.  Then figure out a way to destroy it.

If you don’t see a glacier, you are most likely not in Alaska.

We couldn’t have named our tallest mountain after a better president?  Question the locals on this pressing issue.

Hawaii

If you can find five reasons why Hawaii is not a paradise, you need to leave these islands immediately.

Everybody tries surfing while in Hawaii.  Instead, try your hand at another Hawaiian pastime, hotel and resort management.

It’s not an official luau until you kill the pig with your bare hands and bath yourself in its’ blood.

If you can make it out of Waikiki without spending your lifesaving, you have not done Waikiki correctly.

This is the end of the travel guide.  Hope you got some useful tips from it.  Otherwise it is on to new and exciting writing pieces.

The American Travel Guide Part VIII: Mountains

The American Travel Guide Part VIII: Mountains

The mountain states house numerous natural wonders alongside other thrills.  Here are some friendly tips if one wishes to travel through these rocky passages.

Montana

Try to figure out why Larry Sanders would want to move here in the first place.

Honor Custer's Last Stand with a reckless and completely stupid celebration.  

Yellowstone Park has many ripe picnic baskets for the taking.

Become a miner if only for the cutting edge fashion.

Wyoming

Find a girl named Cheyenne in the capital city, Cheyenne.  Marvel at her for as long as you can.

Answer the age old question of what is more square, the shape of the state or the people living in it.

Wyoming is the least populous state in America, so do whatever you want there.  Who’s gonna stop you, the one guy fifty towns over.  That’s what I thought.

Colorado

Impress the locals by saying you thought Colorado was cool before they legalized weed.  Once you have established their trust, casually ask where you can find some of that aforementioned weed.

Remember Colorado is not a series of construction paper drawings or computer animated images that South Park would have you believe.  Make it your goal to realize that vision.

Denver is the mile high city, so you may feel woozy for a bit due to the thinner air.  Counter the unnatural high from the thin air with the more natural high of sniffing aerosol cans.

Utah

See all of the diversity Utah has to offer by visiting the Utah Jazz's locker room.

Engage the locals by saying you saw the "Book of Mormon" with the original cast.  They'll appreciate your dedication to their culture.

Are the people of Salt Lake City saltier than the normal American?  It is your job to find out.

Nevada

Treat yourself and get that BBBJ with the sex at one of the many Brothels Nevada has to offer.

Only gamble while wearing a tuxedo or an expensive dress.  That way you'll still look good when you quickly hit rock bottom.

Walk around Reno in the customary short shorts.  If people look at you funny, they have only themselves to blame.

Remember counting cards is only illegal if you’re good at it.

Idaho

Keep saying "Idaho no, youdaho", until somebody at least chuckles.  Then chide that person for having a lame sense of humor.

Marvel at how Idaho is the perfect state to fly over in order to reach Seattle, Washington.

Idaho is known for having many different and valuable gemstones.  They would have been all yours had you not wasted so much time taking that incredibly meaningless snack break.  You sicken me.

Tell the locals you supported Pedro during his historic election and even bought a shirt to help his cause.

More to come….

The American Travel Guide Part VII: Midwest Part 2

The American Travel Guide Part VII: Midwest Part 2

The western half of the Midwest is also known as the Great Plains.  If I had known this earlier I would have titled this section that.  So if you are traveling to the Midwest Part 2, read these helpful tips.

Missouri

Ask the locals why the cooler Kansas City is located in Missouri.  Is it for a real reason or are they just being dicks?

Attempt to build a swing on the Gateway Arch.

Visit Branson, Missouri to see what Las Vegas and Atlantic City would be like if it were a neutered dog.

Make the locals feel good by discussing how the Missouri River is the best river in America.  Then repent by writing “I must not tell lies” with that weird Harry Potter pen.

Kansas

Remember, Kansas is the only state in the union that is in black and white and not yet in Technicolor.

Keep asking people what’s the matter with Kansas until they give you the correct answer.

Join in the old frontier attitude by driving the bison population to near extinction. 

Nebraska

Warren Buffet is from Omaha.  Ask him for some money.  He can afford it.

Assume the Homestead Act is still in effect and demand your right to some land.

Are the Great Plains of Nebraska still great, or are they just coasting?  It’s your job to answer this question.

Iowa

You must pronounce “Des Moines” a different way every time you say it.

Instead of saying “I’ll eat an ear of corn” say “I’ll cram it in my corn hole”.  Trust me they’ll be laughing with you, not at you.

Learn to say the word caucus without laughing.  It is okay to let a faint smile slip out.

 South Dakota

Visit Mount Rushmore for the eighth time because what else are you going to do.

The capital is called Pierre.  To honor the French spirit of the capital, speak in an effeminate French accent for your entire visit.

The famous Native American Ghost Dance occurred here.  So yes, this would be a good place to score peyote. 

North Dakota

Drive down to South Dakota and see Mount Rushmore.

It is polite to supply your own wood chipper when visiting Fargo.

North Dakota has the highest church going population in the country. Now is the time to proudly declare your devotion to the Prince of Darkness himself, Satan.

More to come…

The American Travel Guide Part VI: Midwest Part 1

The American Travel Guide Part VI: Midwest Part I

I have decided to split the vast Midwest into two sections.  Here I will discuss some travel tips for the eastern side of the Midwest.  Read on if you wish to one day experience the heartland beauty of these Midwestern states.

Ohio

Enjoy all that Cincinnati has to offer by traveling to nearby Newport, Kentucky and spending the day there.

Visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and take part in the wonderful tradition of complaining about the lack of focus on your favorite band.

Go to Cedar Point and block out the fact that it is located in a place called Sandusky. 

Michigan

Ride your bike as much as possible to stick it to those auto workers.

Go on an archaeological visit to the City of Detroit.  Visit the ruins of what was once a proud and bustling metropolis.

Film a documentary and put yourself in 90% of the footage in honor of a famous Flint resident.

 

Go against the grain and proudly discuss how Lake Huron is better than Lake Michigan.  See how many people care.

Indiana

Visit Gary, Indiana and sing “Gary Indiana” until the people of Gary, Indiana sing “Gary Indiana” with you in Gary, Indiana.

Honor local son, David Letterman, by traveling around with a Paul Shaffer look alike.

If you see Reggie Miller, try to keep cool and resist the urge to scream at him for ruining various moments from the 90’s.

Illinois

Comment about how everything in Chicago is almost as good as everything in New York.

If you do not reenact at least three events from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, you will have broken my heart.  Again.

It is every American’s patriotic duty to warn the Lincoln impersonators in Springfield not to go to Ford’s Theater on April 14^th, 1865.

See the look on the Abraham Lincoln impersonators when you explain to them that they will soon be replaced by Barack Obama impersonators. 

Wisconsin

If you have time, volunteer at one of Wisconsin’s cheese head rehabilitation clinics.  They’ll be happy you came.

Order a beer not from Wisconsin.  See how popular you become with the locals whose jobs you just hurt.

Happy Days takes place in Milwaukee.  Impress the locals by dressing up and acting as any character other than the Fonz.  They’ll appreciate the thought.

Minnesota

Ever dream about having sex with twins in the twin cities?  This is the place to make it happen.

Bob Dylan and Prince are from Minnesota.  Profusely thank the locals for this.

Visit during the winter to see which one of your friends can go the longest without getting frostbitten.

The only way to leave the Mall of America safely is by leaving a tribute of at least 20 oxen.  Anything less and you will have made a grave mistake.

more to come...

The American Travel Guide Part V: Southwest

The American Travel Guide Part V: Southwest

The American Southwest has a distinctive cultural flair that helps it stand out from the rest of the nation.  Here are some useful tips if you wish to travel down to such a spicy area.

Oklahoma

Visit a Native American reservation and do your best to shed exactly one single tear.

To fully enjoy a trademark tornado, sit in a rocking chair next to a couple of cows.

Create a dust bowl ballad or a completely new dust bowl to fit in with the locals.

Texas

Remember the Alamo’s gift shop.  They have a delightful array of souvenirs to commemorate whatever happened at the Alamo.

Texans are a notoriously proud people.  Destroy that pride by recounting some facts about Texas.  That’ll teach them to be prideful for no reason.

John F. Kennedy was killed in Dallas, and last time I checked, you sir are no John F. Kennedy.  Hell, you’re not even Maria Shriver.  So I’d tread lightly if I were you.

Austin is a liberal city in a very red state.  Walk around Austin as if you are in the film Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

Arizona

When visiting the Grand Canyon, partake in the classic game of who can stand closest to the edge without dying.

 Mock the Hoover Dam for being named after such an awful president.

Ask people in Scottsdale what it’s like to live in the lamest named city in America.

The dry air is good for people with respiratory problems.  Make it a point to bring back as much air as possible for any hard breathing relatives back home.

New Mexico

Ask the locals where the name New Mexico comes from.  Tell them you understand the “new” part, but not the “Mexico” part.  Enjoy their befuddlement.  

Make sure not to make the same mistake as Bugs Bunny and turn left when approaching Albuquerque.

That chili pepper doesn’t look that hot.  I bet you can eat it all in just one bite.

more to come

The American Travel Guide Part IV: Mid – Deep South

The American Travel Guide Part IV: Mid – Deep South

This area of our nation has many wondrous gifts to offer any traveler.  Here are some tips to anyone taking a trip to the mid to deep south.

Kentucky

Remember, the city Frankfort is not as delicious as it sounds.

If you are a fan of horse racing, catch the exciting thrill that is the running of the Kentucky derby.  Also, if you are a fan of horse abuse and five foot three men, see the Kentucky Derby.

Kentucky is famous for their bourbon.  If there were a place to start on the destructive path of alcoholism, we haven’t found it yet.

Talk to the locals about bluegrass.  Do not specify if you are discussing the music or the actual grass.  They won’t care.

Tennessee

Proudly yell your hatred of country music in Nashville to anyone who will listen.  That will make you very popular with the locals.

You may only visit Graceland in a sequined jumpsuit or while shaking your hips in a sexual manner.

If you want to experience the life of a Tennessee moonshiner, travel back in time at least 70 years.

Mississippi

Ask a local to spell out Mississippi.  If they do not do it in a sing song manner, you are better than them.

To feel like a local, make sure at least half of your teeth are missing.

If you can convince somebody that displaying a Confederate Flag is really, really stupid and hateful, you have done your job for this nation.

Alabama

Make as many references to Forrest Gump as you can before somebody knocks you out.

Marvel at the fact that Alabama has cities named “Birmingham” and “Montgomery”.  Those sure do sound fancy.

Watch a NASCAR race at Talladega or drive around in a circle 500 hundred times.

Arkansas

Visit Hope, Arkansas and think about how being from a place named Hope would make for perfect campaign commercials.

Forever destroy the banjo culture of the Ozarks by showing them an electric guitar.

Arkansas has the image of being an intolerant place, so develop some arbitrary prejudices to fit in.

Louisiana

For a wild party, go to New Orleans on Mardi Gras or on any other day of the year.

Reminisce about your days out on the Bayou.

If you do not enjoy the food in New Orleans, the residents of this fine city are required to kick your ass.  They insist and you deserve it.

Be polite and only stab your new voodoo doll three times in the crotch.  You have to leave some pins for the head.

more to come!

The American Travel Guide Part III: South Atlantic

The American Travel Guide Part III: South Atlantic

The South Atlantic is a proud region with many unique styles of life.  Here are some travel tips if you are making the trek down south.

West Virginia

Visit Harper’s Ferry, where John Brown’s Raid took place and think about whether he is a patriot or a terrorist.  Also, contemplate how he grew that fantastic beard while all you can get is a scraggly five o’clock shadow.     

Go hiking in the Appalachian Mountains or use it as a cover for any scandalous activities you may wish to engage in.

If a local does not engage you in an impromptu sing a long of “Country Road” by John Denver, you can revoke their West Virginian citizenship.

     

                                                               

Virginia

The capitol of the Confederacy was in Richmond.  Walk around shaking your head in disgust while writing down a list of possible traitors to our great nation.

Virginia Beach is a fun beach spot for the whole family.  Avoid it and spend all your time at the historic Jamestown Settlement.  Tell your children they’ll appreciate this later while you stifle your laughter at their hilarious tears. 

Remember a Southern belle is only as good as her hand fan, parasol umbrella, and fainting skills. 

North Carolina

Joke with the locals about how North Carolina is the superior Carolina.  When they agree and ask why you think so, run away as fast as you can.

Enjoy some famous Carolina barbecue by driving across state lines into South Carolina.  Believe me, no one will stop you.

Michael Jordan played basketball at University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.  Commemorate “His Airness” by sticking your tongue while clutching a basketball whilst strolling around this area.

South Carolina

South Carolina was the first state to secede from the Union.  Hopefully you kept that traitor list from Virginia because you’ll have a lot to add down here.

Charleston, South Carolina is called the most polite and hospitable city in America.  Try your best to disprove this saying.

Myrtle Beach is a fun beach destination where recently graduated South Carolina high school seniors go to celebrate their “Senior Week”.  Plan your trip to celebrate with them.

Georgia

Join in the local tradition and become a Georgia Peach.

At the Coca-Cola factory insist that they give you the version with cocaine.  If they refuse, get back at them by downing a refreshing Pepsi in their smug faces.

Recreate a favorite tourist pastime started by General Sherman by burning down the city of Atlanta.

Savannah is a city famous for its’ many squares.  Measure each one of these squares to make sure they are not rectangles.  If any rectangles are found, leave this city immediately, due to Savannah’s inability to understand simple geometry.

Florida

Test to see if that alligator is dead or just sleeping. 

Dress your child up as a Disney Princess in Disney World not necessarily because they want to, but because you think it would be adorable.

If you don’t own a white blazer and matching white pants, you are not allowed into the city of Miami.

While in Disney World, try to free as many captured costumed characters as possible.       

The American Travel Guide Part II: Mid Atlantic

The American Travel Guide Part II: Mid Atlantic

The Mid Atlantic houses some of our greatest cities and most culturally diverse areas. Here are some travel tips to those who wish to venture out into this great land.

New York

Try not to laugh when residents explain that there is more to New York than New York City.  They sincerely mean it.  To further infuriate them, say that upstate New York begins at Westchester. 

Walk around Brooklyn and sigh while saying gentrification.  A crowd around you will form and you will become akin to a minor deity.

It is your patriotic duty as an American to believe that the American Falls are better than the Canadian Falls.

Try to avoid the more popular and crowded New York City tourist destinations like Craig’s Discount Pornopolis.  Instead, go to out of the way local favorites like Times Square, the Statue of Liberty, and the Empire State Building.

New Jersey

Go on a fun scavenger hunt to find the one rest stop that doesn’t make you lose faith in the human race.  If you find it, you get two free Nathan’s hot dogs!

Atlantic City is just as good as Las Vegas if you’ve never been outside of the southern New Jersey area.

If you want to meet the famous Mayor Cory Booker of Newark, simply get caught in a house fire or any other dangerous situation.  He’ll be sure to rescue you.

Delaware

Visit the famous screen door factory that has been so lovingly referenced in numerous Simpsons’ episodes.

Joke with the locals about how small Rhode Island is.  They’ll like that.

Joe Biden is a famous Delawarean.  Why not visit his home base of Wilmington, or are you too good to visit the home of a Vice-President? 

Pennsylvania

To fit in with the Philadelphia locals, gain 35 pounds by eating literally anything the city has to offer.

Remember the only time the phrase “City of Brotherly Love” does not apply is at any Philadelphia sporting event.  As an opposing fan you’ll be expected to bring your own shank if you want to make it past the 6^th inning, 3^rd quarter, or 2^nd period.

See how long you can last in Gettysburg without saying “four score and seven years ago”.  It’s harder than you think.

Pittsburgh is home to Andy Warhol.  Start a happening.

Maryland

If you want to have a guilt free visit to Baltimore, do not watch The Wire.

You can either visit the Annapolis Naval Academy or watch that awful movie, Annapolis, with James Franco.  You can’t do both, so choose wisely.

Maryland crabs are delicious.  Pick me up a few while you’re down there.

If you see a politician from Washington D.C. trying to escape into Maryland, alert an official.  They’ll know what to do with them.

Washington, D.C.

Yeah it’s not a state, but it’s our capital.  If you got a problem with that go back to whichever country we hate at the present moment.

Visit at least ten museums or are you a commie/Nazi/fascist/terrorist.

Run into the Supreme Court and yell “I object”.  Then fail to grasp why what you said makes no sense.

Send out fundraising emails and phone calls to various politicians.  See how they like it.  

More to come tomorrow!

The American Travel Guide Part I: New England

The American Travel Guide Part I: New England

New England is one of the oldest and most unique areas in our nation’s history.  If one wishes to travel to the land up north by northeast, here are some travel tips state by state.

Maine

Impress the locals by lying to them that there is more to Maine than the cheap, cheap, delicious lobster. 

Say the word “schooner” in as many conversations as possible.  Don’t be discouraged if the word does not apply to the situation at hand.

Pull a Henry David Thoreau and live a simple life for a bit surrounded by the natural beauty that Maine has to offer.  If that seems a trite daunting or unpleasant, well then good sir, get the fuck out of Maine.  We don’t want your kind.

Engage in some “Maine Justice” and celebrate with the traditional Maine food of crawfish étouffée.

New Hampshire 

Try to find the real shire in New Hampshire in order to warn Gandalf that Frodo does indeed possess the one ring.

 Make sure to confuse the capitol Concord with the Concord in Massachusetts, where the American Revolution started.  The locals will be impressed that you are in the ballpark with your knowledge of American History.

Robert Frost was a famous New Hampshirite.  Read something he wrote.  Now read something else, but by a different author.  Compare the two works in a three page essay and email it to me by tomorrow night.

Massachusetts

Test out the legendary friendliness of Bostonians by proudly wearing a New York Yankees cap.  You’ll be the bell of the ball for that day.

If you say Chowder instead of “chowda”, so help me god, I will kill you and your family.

Make sure to visit during the autumn to see the beautiful foliage that Massachusetts has to offer.  Pay no attention to the screams of the dying leaves around you.

Talk in a Kennedy accent and see how long it takes before you are elected to a congressional seat.

Rhode Island

Head over to Massachusetts or Connecticut, they are so close.

Make Rhode Islanders feel better by saying it is bigger than Monaco and houses less pedophiles than the Vatican.

Take a trip to visit Brown University to see where Emma Watson went to school.  On a side note, she’s just super cool.

Vermont

Brag to as many locals as possible about how your friend used to have a summer house here and how it was awesome. 

To gain the approval of the locals, don’t just eat maple syrup, but shower in it.  And do it real slow.  They like it real slow.

Go skiing or at least learn to tolerate snow.  It’s going to snow here and you’ll just have to accept it.

Connecticut

Visit Mark Twain’s house because you want to, not because you should.

Now I know it’s close, but resist the urge to drive from Connecticut into nearby Providence, Rhode Island.

Remind everybody from Connecticut that George Bush was born here.  Feel superior for a bit while they chew on that one. 

Coming Soon – Other areas of the United States

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