The American Travel Guide Part IV: Mid – Deep South
This area of our nation has many wondrous gifts to offer
any traveler. Here are some tips to
anyone taking a trip to the mid to deep south.
Kentucky
Remember, the city Frankfort is not as delicious as it
sounds.
If you are a fan of horse racing, catch the exciting thrill
that is the running of the Kentucky derby.
Also, if you are a fan of horse abuse and five foot three men, see the
Kentucky Derby.
Kentucky is famous for their bourbon. If there were a place to start on the
destructive path of alcoholism, we haven’t found it yet.
Talk to the locals about bluegrass. Do not specify if you are discussing the
music or the actual grass. They won’t
care.
Tennessee
Proudly yell your hatred of country music in Nashville to
anyone who will listen. That will make
you very popular with the locals.
You may only visit Graceland in a sequined jumpsuit or while
shaking your hips in a sexual manner.
If you want to experience the life of a Tennessee moonshiner,
travel back in time at least 70 years.
Mississippi
Ask a local to spell out Mississippi. If they do not do it in a sing song manner,
you are better than them.
To feel like a local, make sure at least half of your teeth are
missing.
If you can convince somebody that displaying a Confederate
Flag is really, really stupid and hateful, you have done your job for this
nation.
Alabama
Make as many references to Forrest Gump as you can
before somebody knocks you out.
Marvel at the fact that Alabama has cities named “Birmingham”
and “Montgomery”. Those sure do sound
fancy.
Watch a NASCAR race at Talladega or drive around in a circle
500 hundred times.
Arkansas
Visit Hope, Arkansas and think about how being from a place
named Hope would make for perfect campaign commercials.
Forever destroy the banjo culture of the Ozarks by showing
them an electric guitar.
Arkansas has the image of being an intolerant place, so
develop some arbitrary prejudices to fit in.
Louisiana
For a wild party, go to New Orleans on Mardi Gras or on any
other day of the year.
Reminisce about your days out on the Bayou.
If you do not enjoy the food in New Orleans, the residents of
this fine city are required to kick your ass.
They insist and you deserve it.
Be polite and only stab your new voodoo doll three times in
the crotch. You have to leave some pins
for the head.
more to come!
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