The American Travel Guide Part VII: Midwest Part 2

The American Travel Guide Part VII: Midwest Part 2

The western half of the Midwest is also known as the Great Plains.  If I had known this earlier I would have titled this section that.  So if you are traveling to the Midwest Part 2, read these helpful tips.

Missouri

Ask the locals why the cooler Kansas City is located in Missouri.  Is it for a real reason or are they just being dicks?

Attempt to build a swing on the Gateway Arch.

Visit Branson, Missouri to see what Las Vegas and Atlantic City would be like if it were a neutered dog.

Make the locals feel good by discussing how the Missouri River is the best river in America.  Then repent by writing “I must not tell lies” with that weird Harry Potter pen.

Kansas

Remember, Kansas is the only state in the union that is in black and white and not yet in Technicolor.

Keep asking people what’s the matter with Kansas until they give you the correct answer.

Join in the old frontier attitude by driving the bison population to near extinction. 

Nebraska

Warren Buffet is from Omaha.  Ask him for some money.  He can afford it.

Assume the Homestead Act is still in effect and demand your right to some land.

Are the Great Plains of Nebraska still great, or are they just coasting?  It’s your job to answer this question.

Iowa

You must pronounce “Des Moines” a different way every time you say it.

Instead of saying “I’ll eat an ear of corn” say “I’ll cram it in my corn hole”.  Trust me they’ll be laughing with you, not at you.

Learn to say the word caucus without laughing.  It is okay to let a faint smile slip out.

 South Dakota

Visit Mount Rushmore for the eighth time because what else are you going to do.

The capital is called Pierre.  To honor the French spirit of the capital, speak in an effeminate French accent for your entire visit.

The famous Native American Ghost Dance occurred here.  So yes, this would be a good place to score peyote. 

North Dakota

Drive down to South Dakota and see Mount Rushmore.

It is polite to supply your own wood chipper when visiting Fargo.

North Dakota has the highest church going population in the country. Now is the time to proudly declare your devotion to the Prince of Darkness himself, Satan.

More to come…