The American
Travel Guide Part II: Mid Atlantic
The Mid
Atlantic houses some of our greatest cities and most culturally diverse areas. Here
are some travel tips to those who wish to venture out into this great land.
New York
Try not to laugh
when residents explain that there is more to New York than New York City. They sincerely mean it. To further infuriate them, say that upstate
New York begins at Westchester.
Walk around
Brooklyn and sigh while saying gentrification.
A crowd around you will form and you will become akin to a minor deity.
It is your patriotic
duty as an American to believe that the American Falls are better than the
Canadian Falls.
Try to avoid
the more popular and crowded New York City tourist destinations like Craig’s
Discount Pornopolis. Instead, go to out
of the way local favorites like Times Square, the Statue of Liberty, and the
Empire State Building.
New Jersey
Go on a fun
scavenger hunt to find the one rest stop that doesn’t make you lose faith in
the human race. If you find it, you get
two free Nathan’s hot dogs!
Atlantic
City is just as good as Las Vegas if you’ve never been outside of the southern
New Jersey area.
If you want
to meet the famous Mayor Cory Booker of Newark, simply get caught in a house fire
or any other dangerous situation. He’ll
be sure to rescue you.
Delaware
Visit the
famous screen door factory that has been so lovingly referenced in numerous Simpsons’ episodes.
Joke with
the locals about how small Rhode Island is.
They’ll like that.
Joe Biden is
a famous Delawarean. Why not visit his
home base of Wilmington, or are you too good to visit the home of a
Vice-President?
Pennsylvania
To fit in
with the Philadelphia locals, gain 35 pounds by eating literally anything the
city has to offer.
Remember the
only time the phrase “City of Brotherly Love” does not apply is at any
Philadelphia sporting event. As an
opposing fan you’ll be expected to bring your own shank if you want to make it
past the 6th inning, 3rd quarter, or 2nd period.
See how long
you can last in Gettysburg without saying “four score and seven years ago”. It’s harder than you think.
Pittsburgh
is home to Andy Warhol. Start a
happening.
Maryland
If you want
to have a guilt free visit to Baltimore, do not watch The Wire.
You can
either visit the Annapolis Naval Academy or watch that awful movie, Annapolis,
with James Franco. You can’t do both, so
choose wisely.
Maryland
crabs are delicious. Pick me up a few
while you’re down there.
If you see a
politician from Washington D.C. trying to escape into Maryland, alert an
official. They’ll know what to do with
them.
Washington, D.C.
Yeah it’s
not a state, but it’s our capital. If
you got a problem with that go back to whichever country we hate at the present
moment.
Visit at
least ten museums or are you a commie/Nazi/fascist/terrorist.
Run into the
Supreme Court and yell “I object”. Then
fail to grasp why what you said makes no sense.
Send out
fundraising emails and phone calls to various politicians. See how they like it.
More to come tomorrow!
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