American Travel Guide Part IX: Pacific Coast

American Travel Guide Part IX: Pacific Coast

The Pacific region is like no other area in America.  So take it easy and enjoy this last section of the travel guide with my tips to visiting the Pacific Coast of America.

California

When entering Los Angeles, remember to keep an award acceptance speech in your pocket.  You never know when it will come in handy.

Walk around Muir Woods making a chainsaw noise for as long as you can.

Remember, if you leave too many vital organs in San Francisco, you will die.

Not everybody in Los Angeles is in show business.  When you find one of these people, ask them why they choose another profession knowing that there’s no business like show business.

Oregon

Walk around Salem calling everyone a witch.  If somebody says you’re in the wrong Salem, scream louder.  That person is probably the head witch.

Portland is famous for being a place to live out the dream of the 1990’s and the 1890’s.  So don’t come here if you are planning to live out the dream of the 1790’s.

If you can make it to Oregon without three members of your party dying of cholera, you’ve done it right.

Washington

Any resident not wearing a piece of flannel clothing is not a true Seattle local.  Ask them how it feels to be a poseur.

Washington has many beautiful totem poles.  Take some home.  Who’s going to notice?

Throw fish to the people at Pike Place Market who look like they deserve a fish in the face.

Alaska

Marvel at the natural beauty that only Alaska could sustain.  Then figure out a way to destroy it.

If you don’t see a glacier, you are most likely not in Alaska.

We couldn’t have named our tallest mountain after a better president?  Question the locals on this pressing issue.

Hawaii

If you can find five reasons why Hawaii is not a paradise, you need to leave these islands immediately.

Everybody tries surfing while in Hawaii.  Instead, try your hand at another Hawaiian pastime, hotel and resort management.

It’s not an official luau until you kill the pig with your bare hands and bath yourself in its’ blood.

If you can make it out of Waikiki without spending your lifesaving, you have not done Waikiki correctly.

This is the end of the travel guide.  Hope you got some useful tips from it.  Otherwise it is on to new and exciting writing pieces.