The American Travel Guide Part I:
New England
New England is one of the oldest and
most unique areas in our nation’s history. If one wishes to travel to the
land up north by northeast, here are some travel tips state by state.
Maine
Impress the locals by lying to them
that there is more to Maine than the cheap, cheap, delicious lobster.
Say the word “schooner” in as many
conversations as possible. Don’t be discouraged if the word does not
apply to the situation at hand.
Pull a Henry David Thoreau and live
a simple life for a bit surrounded by the natural beauty that Maine has to
offer. If that seems a trite daunting or unpleasant, well then good sir,
get the fuck out of Maine. We don’t want your kind.
Engage in some “Maine Justice” and
celebrate with the traditional Maine food of crawfish étouffée.
New Hampshire
Try to find the real shire in New Hampshire in order to warn Gandalf that Frodo
does indeed possess the one ring.
Make sure to confuse the capitol Concord with the Concord in
Massachusetts, where the American Revolution started. The locals will be impressed that you are in the ballpark with your knowledge
of American History.
Robert Frost was a famous New Hampshirite. Read something he wrote.
Now read something else, but by a different author. Compare the two works
in a three page essay and email it to me by tomorrow night.
Massachusetts
Test
out the legendary friendliness of Bostonians by proudly wearing a New York
Yankees cap. You’ll be the bell of the ball for that day.
If
you say Chowder instead of “chowda”, so help me god, I will kill you and your
family.
Make
sure to visit during the autumn to see the beautiful foliage that Massachusetts
has to offer. Pay no attention to the screams of the dying leaves around
you.
Talk
in a Kennedy accent and see how long it takes before you are elected to a
congressional seat.
Rhode
Island
Head
over to Massachusetts or Connecticut, they are so close.
Make
Rhode Islanders feel better by saying it is bigger than Monaco and houses less
pedophiles than the Vatican.
Take
a trip to visit Brown University to see where Emma Watson went to school.
On a side note, she’s just super cool.
Vermont
Brag
to as many locals as possible about how your friend used to have a summer house
here and how it was awesome.
To
gain the approval of the locals, don’t just eat maple syrup, but shower in
it. And do it real slow. They like it real slow.
Go
skiing or at least learn to tolerate snow. It’s going to snow here and
you’ll just have to accept it.
Connecticut
Visit Mark Twain’s house because you
want to, not because you should.
Now I know it’s close, but resist
the urge to drive from Connecticut into nearby Providence, Rhode Island.
Remind everybody from Connecticut
that George Bush was born here. Feel superior for a bit while they chew
on that one.
Coming Soon – Other areas of the
United States
.
The American Travel Guide Part I:
New England
New England is one of the oldest and
most unique areas in our nation’s history. If one wishes to travel to the
land up north by northeast, here are some travel tips state by state.
Maine
Impress the locals by lying to them
that there is more to Maine than the cheap, cheap, delicious lobster.
Say the word “schooner” in as many
conversations as possible. Don’t be discouraged if the word does not
apply to the situation at hand.
Pull a Henry David Thoreau and live
a simple life for a bit surrounded by the natural beauty that Maine has to
offer. If that seems a trite daunting or unpleasant, well then good sir,
get the fuck out of Maine. We don’t want your kind.
Engage in some “Maine Justice” and
celebrate with the traditional Maine food of crawfish étouffée.
New Hampshire
Try to find the real shire in New Hampshire in order to warn Gandalf that Frodo does indeed possess the one ring.
Make sure to confuse the capitol Concord with the Concord in Massachusetts, where the American Revolution started. The locals will be impressed that you are in the ballpark with your knowledge of American History.
Robert Frost was a famous New Hampshirite. Read something he wrote. Now read something else, but by a different author. Compare the two works in a three page essay and email it to me by tomorrow night.
Massachusetts
Test
out the legendary friendliness of Bostonians by proudly wearing a New York
Yankees cap. You’ll be the bell of the ball for that day.
If
you say Chowder instead of “chowda”, so help me god, I will kill you and your
family.
Make
sure to visit during the autumn to see the beautiful foliage that Massachusetts
has to offer. Pay no attention to the screams of the dying leaves around
you.
Talk
in a Kennedy accent and see how long it takes before you are elected to a
congressional seat.
Rhode
Island
Head
over to Massachusetts or Connecticut, they are so close.
Make
Rhode Islanders feel better by saying it is bigger than Monaco and houses less
pedophiles than the Vatican.
Take
a trip to visit Brown University to see where Emma Watson went to school.
On a side note, she’s just super cool.
Vermont
Brag
to as many locals as possible about how your friend used to have a summer house
here and how it was awesome.
To
gain the approval of the locals, don’t just eat maple syrup, but shower in
it. And do it real slow. They like it real slow.
Go
skiing or at least learn to tolerate snow. It’s going to snow here and
you’ll just have to accept it.
Connecticut
Visit Mark Twain’s house because you
want to, not because you should.
Now I know it’s close, but resist
the urge to drive from Connecticut into nearby Providence, Rhode Island.
Remind everybody from Connecticut
that George Bush was born here. Feel superior for a bit while they chew
on that one.
Coming Soon – Other areas of the
United States
.
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