The American Travel Guide Part VIII: Mountains

The American Travel Guide Part VIII: Mountains

The mountain states house numerous natural wonders alongside other thrills.  Here are some friendly tips if one wishes to travel through these rocky passages.

Montana

Try to figure out why Larry Sanders would want to move here in the first place.

Honor Custer's Last Stand with a reckless and completely stupid celebration.  

Yellowstone Park has many ripe picnic baskets for the taking.

Become a miner if only for the cutting edge fashion.

Wyoming

Find a girl named Cheyenne in the capital city, Cheyenne.  Marvel at her for as long as you can.

Answer the age old question of what is more square, the shape of the state or the people living in it.

Wyoming is the least populous state in America, so do whatever you want there.  Who’s gonna stop you, the one guy fifty towns over.  That’s what I thought.

Colorado

Impress the locals by saying you thought Colorado was cool before they legalized weed.  Once you have established their trust, casually ask where you can find some of that aforementioned weed.

Remember Colorado is not a series of construction paper drawings or computer animated images that South Park would have you believe.  Make it your goal to realize that vision.

Denver is the mile high city, so you may feel woozy for a bit due to the thinner air.  Counter the unnatural high from the thin air with the more natural high of sniffing aerosol cans.

Utah

See all of the diversity Utah has to offer by visiting the Utah Jazz's locker room.

Engage the locals by saying you saw the "Book of Mormon" with the original cast.  They'll appreciate your dedication to their culture.

Are the people of Salt Lake City saltier than the normal American?  It is your job to find out.

Nevada

Treat yourself and get that BBBJ with the sex at one of the many Brothels Nevada has to offer.

Only gamble while wearing a tuxedo or an expensive dress.  That way you'll still look good when you quickly hit rock bottom.

Walk around Reno in the customary short shorts.  If people look at you funny, they have only themselves to blame.

Remember counting cards is only illegal if you’re good at it.

Idaho

Keep saying "Idaho no, youdaho", until somebody at least chuckles.  Then chide that person for having a lame sense of humor.

Marvel at how Idaho is the perfect state to fly over in order to reach Seattle, Washington.

Idaho is known for having many different and valuable gemstones.  They would have been all yours had you not wasted so much time taking that incredibly meaningless snack break.  You sicken me.

Tell the locals you supported Pedro during his historic election and even bought a shirt to help his cause.

More to come….