The American
Travel Guide Part VI: Midwest Part I
I have
decided to split the vast Midwest into two sections. Here I will discuss some travel tips for the eastern
side of the Midwest. Read on if you wish
to one day experience the heartland beauty of these Midwestern states.
Ohio
Enjoy all
that Cincinnati has to offer by traveling to nearby Newport, Kentucky and
spending the day there.
Visit the
Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and take part in the wonderful tradition of
complaining about the lack of focus on your favorite band.
Go to Cedar
Point and block out the fact that it is located in a place called Sandusky.
Michigan
Ride your
bike as much as possible to stick it to those auto workers.
Go on an archaeological visit to the City of Detroit.
Visit the ruins of what was once a proud and bustling metropolis.
Film a
documentary and put yourself in 90% of the footage in honor of a famous Flint
resident.
Go against
the grain and proudly discuss how Lake Huron is better than Lake Michigan. See how many people care.
Indiana
Visit Gary,
Indiana and sing “Gary Indiana” until the people of Gary, Indiana sing “Gary
Indiana” with you in Gary, Indiana.
Honor local son,
David Letterman, by traveling around with a Paul Shaffer look alike.
If you see
Reggie Miller, try to keep cool and resist the urge to scream at him for ruining
various moments from the 90’s.
Illinois
Comment
about how everything in Chicago is almost as good as everything in New York.
If you do
not reenact at least three events from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, you
will have broken my heart. Again.
It is every
American’s patriotic duty to warn the Lincoln impersonators in Springfield not
to go to Ford’s Theater on April 14th, 1865.
See the look
on the Abraham Lincoln impersonators when you explain to them that they will
soon be replaced by Barack Obama impersonators.
Wisconsin
If you have
time, volunteer at one of Wisconsin’s cheese head rehabilitation clinics. They’ll be happy you came.
Order a beer
not from Wisconsin. See how popular you
become with the locals whose jobs you just hurt.
Happy Days takes place in Milwaukee. Impress the locals by dressing up and acting
as any character other than the Fonz. They’ll
appreciate the thought.
Minnesota
Ever dream
about having sex with twins in the twin cities?
This is the place to make it happen.
Bob Dylan
and Prince are from Minnesota. Profusely thank the
locals for this.
Visit during
the winter to see which one of your friends can go the longest without getting
frostbitten.
The only way to leave the Mall of America safely is by
leaving a tribute of at least 20 oxen. Anything
less and you will have made a grave mistake.
more to come...
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